I'm Back, but...

I'm going to be doing some overseas journalism in a week/for a week so I'll have to leave again soon :(

I’m just going to jump right into this because I’ve had way too much time to get aggravated and no one to tell me how right I am for it. This Post is just more or less shortened versions of 4 or 5 entries, and enough pictures to keep your attention. First off, I had my first abortion! It was great! She didn’t want the kid at all so I tried doing every possible circumstance a guy would do in this situation. This included crying a lot because I didn’t think I was ready, driving off and not calling for a week, researching back alley fees as well as costs to a doctor, dropkicking her in the stomach, and pushing her down a flight of stairs. When everything was said and done, we both felt that spending 400 bucks and a few weeks of hell was much better then not giving into temptation in the first place. Libs: caring for kids, as long as they’re not born.

Take this bastard back

Second, because I couldn’t add posts or entries, I’d like to give props to jesse for continuing the liberal beat down. I suppose reading these past entries, I need to add a few things:
1) If jesse and I were gay, and not brothers, and had a kid, it would be this site. The site is fucked up enough as it is so you could only imagine the ridiculous colossal bastard that would be the product of our upbringing. It would rip trees out of the ground and derail trains and only stop to sleep and shit.

2) This whole “doing it because it feels right” is absolute nonsense. I don’t think there’s anything in the constitution about not making fun of people because hurt their feelings. I don‘t even think that shit was written based on “feelings”. This is why women shouldn’t vote, but don’t bother posting comments on that quote, we’ll get to that soon enough. If you must be gay in public, do it where I can’t see you. We’re fucking surrounded on all sides as it is: We gave you California, as well as I think the most eastern point in America. I accidentally went there and stayed overnight while on a road trip with a girly and I never knew gay folks were so hateful. I could fill up a whole 4 pages on how being there proved gayness is a mental malfunction. For fucks sake it can’t even be hereditary due to that whole “can’t procreate with two of the same sex” thing, so how can you be born with it? It’s a hard concept to understand, I know.
3) Considering the small amount of comments on jesses lack of taking responsibility post, as well as mine on jobs, I’m pretty sure we’re all on the same wavelength. Now get a job.

So anyway, A few nights a week I wait tables. There’s not a whole lot of exciting things that happen, or even really that many odd people that come in to eat, but some seriously fucked up shit happened to me a few weeks ago and I just realized that I was a victim of racism.

A white, probably Florida-bound retired couple and a late 20’s well groomed yet ridiculously hirsute…I dunno, Arabian guy came in to grab a bite to eat. I already knew this was trouble from the second I took the table just cause of the glare they were giving me. It wasn’t the good “staring at your enormous package” glare, it was more like the “caught masturbating” kind. Now, let me set the premise here. All three of these guys had blue circle shit on their foreheads. No it wasn’t ash Wednesday where they smear that black shit on them, it was way before that. It was more like a Rorschach test that resembled a spaghetti-o. I seat them and ask them for their drinks, and being the observant son-of-a-bitch that I am, kept staring at their foreheads. At this point, the coffee colored uni-browed guy said “are you staring at our foreheads”?

Now let me take a time out here. Before I opened my mouth, I thought of this whole guys best case life scenario in about 3 seconds. The seniors at the time probably had troubles having a kid, and fortunately, they adopted this thankfully non-aborted kid in where he was taken from a poverty stricken area a decade or so ago. This kid was given the opportunity to grow up and go to school, become successful, and then crap on America. I’d put money on my assumption. And…go…

Me: “you bet I am”
Mr. Brown: “why?”
Me: “well, you have something on it”
Cobra Charmer: “I don’t see why you‘re so curious.”
Me: “I’m actually worried, did you guys all fall on the same soda can out in the parking lot? Should I get my manager? A doctor?”
Aladdin: “I’ve been ridiculed my whole life, your insults don’t harm me”
Me: “I’m being serious, is there something I should know?”
Sand Nig: “You should know to treat everyone with the same type of respect”
Me: ::snapped:: “…There’s some shit on your forehead.”

I pretty much knew where this was going, and that all chances of having a decent conversation or even a pizza-for-money scandal were nixed from the plan. The next 5 or 10 minutes were spent with him explaining how his god-parents had just accompanied him to some sort of 29 year old religious circumcision or some shit. I don’t know if the circle was a stamp made from the fabled foreskin to forehead ritual, it was all lost on me. Anyway, for the remainder of the evening I went about my business as usual.

I’d also like to point out the fact they didn’t tip me on their way out, so I have no choice but to assume that was a hate crime. The greatest part about this was how misunderstood he was in the fact that I didn’t know what was on his god damn head, and how he thought I already knew it was a culture thing.

The racial insults weren’t going through my head at the time, but they are in there now since I realized how much a bumbling dunderfuck that guy was. Like I should fucking know everything about foreskin prints. Why is it my fault that he has a permanent 5 o’clock shadow? It didn’t even cross my mind his magic carpet broke down on the way there, or how he used to have to shovel camel shit 50 hours a day, or how he dug up a nuke in his backyard, or ANY of that shit that he apparently thought I was thinking.

I saw three people,
with shit
on their motherfucking foreheads.

Come back with my tip asshole

I like how every case of racism I’ve heard in the past 5 years is all a product of causing their own damn problem. I never understood why oh say, moving to a place where you know races don’t intertwine, just to do a bunch of preaching and acts of “stamping your foot real hard” in the area. For fucks sake you don’t see me going to Compton to tell them to cut the shit. Isn’t bringing attention to the situation…acknowledging the fact someone doesn’t like another dudes color a racist act in itself? I never considered myself a racist guy, and sure, I dream just like every white guy to some day stroll through Harlem without getting shot, but in reality, they have just as much of a right to not like white guys as you do to complain about it. Reverse racism is awesome.

I guess you want to be made fun of?

So I went to a concert in Boston the other night with a friend of mine, and had a great time. The music and crowd wasn’t exactly my type of click, but with a few a Bullmiesters I got over it easy enough. There was one part of the show, where for 20 minutes I wrote this whole post up in my head, from seeing someone who looked a lot like this:

What the fuck is the position you’re trying to take?

Dressing like this and trying to state your point is like a rock climber who’s missing both their arms. You might make it to the top using your teeth and legs, but it’ll take too long and people are going to laugh at you the whole time.

he's our assistant in the lab too

And that was just the bassist. The real headache came from this fat bitch of a lead singer who was on some rant about how TV told her we went to fight in some unjust war or some other cliché bull shit. You see, what would really happen in this situation, is you’d stop playing to say something semi-profound, and we’d go up and bust you in the head with a bar stool.

Thanks for coming on stage

In this place, I can’t because they would've either, A) run away, or B) hire a lawyer. Its just becomes the salt rubbed in the wound from driving 150 miles, pay 30 bucks for gas and tolls, and then pay for a ticket just to hear an opening no name band go off about some kid you don’t even know got hit by a tank.

You don’t know these 3 guys in the pajamas either, but I guess you can feel bad for them too

Plus the chick singing was fat, but thought she was hot. I don’t care what anyone says about being able to bang a fat chick because you feel emotionally comfortable with them. That shit doesn’t work, I‘ve tried. I’m not being insensitive, I’m being realistic. It’s just like a guy in a wheel chair that’s trying to get into the grocery store but there’s no wheel chair ramp. He’s not going to wait out in the god damn parking lot for them to build one, He’ll just go take his business elsewhere. On the other hand, if he does try, he’ll gimp along trying to climb in and he’ll just feel like an idiot for it later. Plus your friends will give you that whole awkward “aw man, I can‘t believe you did that” thing.

analogy amplifier

I suppose freedom of speech is on my side, just like the chick who looks like butt. I swear to god half of those young lib dildos were there too. I just feel bad for those poor 16 year olds in the crowd who can’t even vote, or form a logical opinion, that cheer just for the sheer fact that the guys on stage said the same thing about bush that puhdiddy said on MTV the other day.

"Is this thing on?…Attention Younglibs: find out what the economy is before talking, thank you."

Which brings me to my next question.
A day off for voting? Are you retarded? YOU HAVE 3 ½ FUCKING YEARS to prepare for an election! I’m sure if you start your job at starbucks next month, you can request off 3 ½ years in advance. They probably won’t give you a hard time. And if they do, YOU HAVE 3 ½ FUCKING YEARS to find a job that will let you if it’s that important to you. For Christ’s sake, if everyone at least tried that, the people who couldn’t get off for work will have no lines by the time they get do show up. And in the rare circumstance that there’s that guy who works 20 hours a day and no polls are open before or after work, well that’s his own damn fault. PLUS, if he’s working that much, he probably knows a thing or two about responsibility, so he’ll probably vote republican anyway. You shouldn’t make too much racket, it’ll fuck you over. Isn’t there some kind of absentee ballot or some shit too? They make it sound as if waiting in line for a few hours to vote is a new disease they need to cure. Three Cheers for patience. A day off from voting...Judas.

LOFL, you lost cause no one could show up
not because you were too cool to wear a helmet.

And to anyone who didn’t know, I got that lump out of the top of my head. Apparently it was some kinda cyst. Gross I know, but the ironic thing it was exactly the same shape as a tiny brain, so all those jokes you guys made about the bump actually being my brain, turned out to be pretty funny.
I got more but I’ll leave it at that for now.