::Insert Cute Italian Phrase Here::

So incase no one had any idea, I had the opportunity to visit Italy for a bit last week. Fortunately, the day I touched ground, that dude got blasted in Iraq so it gives me more shit to talk about. If you don’t know the story, you can read it here
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,150248,00.html
I won’t repeat it for you, and if you don’t care to check into, just continue on. Otherwise, we can learn a few important things:

1) If you knew anything about Italian drivers and driving conditions, this would not be any surprise to you whatsoever. I‘ll touch on this later, but we can basically learn that it‘s a good to understand things like stop signs, and other similar traffic protectors like traffic lights, crossing guards and check point armored vehicles.

2)If you have information someone should know, the sooner you get it to them…the better.

3)If a tank flashes some lights at you while you’re no doing anything wrong, you might want to stop.

4)If a tank shoots shit in front of you while you’re not doing anything wrong, you might want to stop.

5)If assholes don’t follow the rules, blow the shit out of them.


Stop or we'll shoot

Front page after the Iraq elections. I can assure you that caption does not say "Oh shit, the terrorists won."

“Italy” you might be asking your uneducated self, “Where the fuck is that“? That’s a good question. I couldn’t give you specific latitude or longitudes, but it’s usually on the right side of a map in that Europey place and is always colored in green. It has a 6 hour time difference and takes 8 and a half hours to fly to from the east coast. If you’re having problems finding it by name, I think they call it wussville or poopypants land too.

Oooooooh, Ahhhhhh

Now, I know it’s in my assholish nature to automatically start shitting on something, but in all fairness it’s wasn’t that terrible. Although, in fairness to my sanity, I’m going to shit on it anyway, just not that bad. I’d like to point something out before I get too into this that seems to be the best example of going there. Everyone and their mom would usually freak their shit about going to Italy because of the scenery, the food, the culture, all that stuff. That’s cool, but it’s not Disney Land cool. It’s cool cause it’s different. If you were into just the food and the scenery you might as well visit the Italy portion of your local Busch Gardens. Italy is no amusement park. For some reason Italy gets perceived as that, but there’s too much walking and the “cool” stuff to see like the buildings or art or certain landscapes are so few and far between that you just get super aggravated by the time you get to your destination. It’s cool cause it’s different.

What I’m going to do is make a list of the cool things to crappy things, in that order, followed by some form of conclusion. Don’t assume because of the title of this post that I’m going to be a hateful ogre-twat, even if that would be a fair assumption. Let me give you a few pieces of information about this place. Not like “Italy has a population of 58 million”, or average rain fall or anything. More like “this is how the typical day goes down”. I’m going to dumb it down big time here and for the remainder of the post and refrain from using the Italian terms like “siesta” and just replace them with “nap time” unless otherwise noted. I hit 5 or 6 towns in over a week so I know everything about Italy, ever, so shut the fuck up.

Oh yeah and I think one more thing I forgot to say. Italian is pretty much exactly like English. There’s 3 basic rules to follow.
1) They have the same amount of letters in their alphabet as we do
2) They don’t really use the letter Y to start any words, and
3) A lot of their words are the same as ours they just put a vowel on the end of all their nouns and verbs.
Now just say everything with an accent like you’re really angry and slightly retarded, and that’s 80% of their language. I just saved you 4 semesters of school. Congratulations, you can speak Italian.

So a typical day as a 20 or 30 something is as follows:
You’re not in school anymore so you probably wake up around 10am., or you are working, so you are probably working till about 5ish. Lets say you have no money, school, or job to attend (*) so you bum some money off your parents and run down to the bar -yes bar, ill interpret in a sec- for a croissant and a coffee-whatever-foam-thingy. Now if your over 16, grab some smokes and it doesn’t even seem like there’s a drinking age there so throw some coffee brandy down and have a seat outside and watch the traffic for a few hours. Once 12 rolls around, you might as well go get some food. If you have any money left over from your mom, you might go to a restaurant, but chances are you’ll just go home since the home cooking tastes the same as any place you go out to.

(*) there’s no room to cram any more shitty jobs anywhere, and everything is fucking expensive as hell. On top of that, with the exception of the fuck load of farm land, most places by law aren’t allowed to be open more than 35-40 hours a week so generating more revenue for businesses and increasing job growth, more labor and income for people is completely out of the question. Horray for European free enterprise. The typical kid finishes school around 18 years of age, and they take tests for the next 12 years, or whenever they get off their ass to study and take them. That‘s kind of their college. Because of this, kid‘s live with their parents for-fucking-ever since they can‘t make it on their own. So what else are you going to do if you have no job and no school except for sleep in all day and then go annoy the tourists? Fortunately for them, just cause your 30 in Italy makes you a mother-fucking genius and a huge chunk of their jobs are distributed by seniority, so just fuck off your first 30 years and then toughen up for a month just so you can finally get a job. The GOOD side about this, is your considered a failure if you‘re a woman and never married, so the guys get to fuck off till their 30 living at their moms house, then get married, just to have their wife wipe their ass for them.

During lunch, or actually every meal, eat like a mother fucking bastard and then…take a nap. If you have a business like a restaurant, wait till the last prick leaves and then shut the fuck down. If you have a small clothes shop, shut the fuck down. If you’re the biggest super market in town, shut the fuck down. It’s mother-fucking nap time. There might be a few things still open like a Bar or a guy or two wandering the streets, but other than that the whole country is a wasteland, tumbleweeds and all. Oh yeah, bars are awesome. They have pubs, like our bars, and bars, which are like nothing we have... And there’s at least 20 in every town. Bars have smokes, some gum or candy, coffee maybe, possibly a few pastries, and a wall full of booze. Pretty much it’s a pit stop but you don’t own a car. Take a shot of whatever, grab a cookie and get the F out.

Okay so you wake up from your nap. If you own a business, you might open back up…but it’s pretty much whenever you feel like it. The landscape is littered with those little twister hanging window clocks that say “will return at” but where you set the time the hands are just busted off, or spun and stopped on something like 3 am. The big towns are usually hoppin at about 6 pm, and most places to eat at 7. People running the streets, bouncing in and out of shops, nut to butt traffic, pretty lively. So you grab something to eat while you’re out, or again go home and eat like a bastard. Now this is the moment of truth. The news is at 8. There’s no 6 o’clock news, and no 11 o’clock news, just one at 8. That’s cool. I would just assume they’d be right to the point with local then national news. Now if you’re out, you might be some of the small percentage that just stays out and gets their shit done, otherwise you’re at home, or at a restaurant/pub that’s got a TV.

Let me explain the news to you real quick. Starts at 8. World news, no local. A few topics on the pope, and then talk about everyone else in the world. The pope in Rome and how he’s not pooping in his sleep is the only local news they got. There’s 60 million people there, and none of them make enough of an impact to even make the news casters sneeze at. The rest of the cast isn’t even good coverage. They touch on the war as if it we’re touchy. They talk about the 2 inches of snow in Germany, but not the guy who ran over three pedestrians and ran from the cops in Naples. How can we take any of these bastards seriously when they can’t even take themselves seriously? The news ends at 8:30...excuse me, after 12 pm it goes into 13...14...15 etc. which I’m all in favor for. but for your sake, 8:30 the news ends and it’s a point/counter point. 2 hot chicks sit on opposite couches being pretty basic in their arguments. This goes on for about 10 or 15 minutes when all of a sudden, the fucking show ends…10 seconds of black, and everyone holds their breath for the Italian version of “The Weakest Link”.

When is the next unveiling of the monuments in Spain for the victims of that bus bombing?

Who’s gonna win 750,000 euro today?

This questions pretty easy, you sure you want to use one of your life lines?

These fuckers who run home in time aren’t even in for the news! They’re in cause they wanted to get back early so they don’t miss the fucking commercials before their game show. It’s like 5 minutes of actual news, 40 minutes of fluff, and 3 hours of game shows until soft core porn comes on at like midnight. Judas. Well since everyone is home jerking off to “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”, you might as well close shop and head home to jerk off too. Get 13 hours of sleep and prepare for another day of absolute devotion to existing and your proficiency in jack shit.

Now for the details within the day, from best shit to worst:

3 wheeled trucks -

LOFL

LOFL.

Kid’s actually used these to pick up their dates, after their dad hauled 40 cubic feet of dirt in 19 trips. It only goes like 25 mph and stops traffic everywhere. But man it’s like a parade every time I see one. LOFL.

Assiago cheese - If the moon were actually made of cheese, it would be assiago. We have it here, but they make a lot of their shit from goats and buffalos. It’s un-believable. If God himself shat cheese, it would be assiago.

Chisel point - If you don’t know what this is, then I might as well hold off for another post or leave it to my brother to explain. Otherwise, it doesn’t exist there. It could have been the cheese, or the air, but definitely not the water. It must be against the law or some shit but it’s so unnatural with just getting over the flu, with that amount of walking and that amount of eating…that it would just not exist. Bizarre.

Road signs - Do they actually have anything to do with the road? There’s fucked up signs everywhere, on boats, in hallways, and it seems none of them apply to anything that’s going on in the area. Fortunately I got to use my prime translating skills and other keen observation techniques to decipher the meanings.

Incase of enormous boner, run directly into nearest rectangle

Incase of enormous boner, go directly downstairs

Keep walking it off

If families are found smuggling in more families inside themselves, they will be ran at from all directions.

LOFL, this was on the train so I'm assuming you should face the door to prevent getting sucked out backwards

No stepping through red circles

Stepping through red circles is permitted here
please note the traffic chaos

Italy makes it simple for you to get a whole range of diseases. 2 seconds after I snapped this another 3 wheeled truck drove by. It could have been the best picture ever taken.

Places to eat - I also touched on this earlier. Eating out is the same as eating in. The same applies to going to restaurants. That was in bad taste, I’m sorry. No, seriously, the restaurants are run by families who cook just as well as the people upstairs form them. This, of course, does not detract from the greatness of their food. It is very good and there are a lot of choices, you just won’t see as many locals out to eat as much as someone from out of town, unless it’s a large gathering.

Oh, ::burp:: Jesus

“Mezzo litro, vino rosa de la casa, grazie” - translates to “Half liter, wine of the house, thanks”. Fuck yeah. That’s all you really need to know. House wine rocks. It’s a gamble everywhere you go. It’s either right out of some shitty store bought bottling plant, or it could have come from the owners 12 hot virgin daughters, who slept and bathed in them, and licked each grape clean only to roll naked in them and bottle the wine using the butt-cheek to butt-cheek filling technique. Either way there’s something about house wine that makes you that much more loopy half way through the night. It also makes you incredibly sleepy.

Hey Adam! What's crappenin? I take requests!

This guy -

LOL, this translates to “A better country…Now there is.” Every time I walked by it I kept thinking it really said “Vote for me…Motherfucker”.

The great thing is it’s WAY easier to distinguish the two parties.
This is awfully reminiscent of our election. These two posters were everywhere and I’m sure they’ll make the right decision.

Alright this is like borderline now:

WTF? -

The 6 legged fire breathing spike monster means gas up here. Yeah I know we got the Michelin man, but this thing is a staple in every town.

Bar on every corner - I already touched on this but it’s tit. At my bar, 4 shots of Jaegermiester is 12 bucks. Here, they put two shots in each glass and charge you 4 euro, which is like $5.50 here. The exchange rate bounces but to keep my money straight I just said 1 euro = $1.40. 8 euro and you get twice as much Jaeger at 1 in the afternoon. No wonder I was fucked by 3...everyday. Slight downside is all their beer tasted like PBR. Italians are definitely not known for their beer. Not that I hate PBR, but it’s one of those beers you don’t start with, you end with cause it tastes like everything else you’ve been drinking or even your own vomit.

Cheese 3 times a day - God damn it I love assiago but they unfortunately don’t make everything with it. Give it a rest guys. You eat cheese filled or cheese sauced everything. Or just walk around with bricks of cheese in your hand. Just thinking of those little triangular wedges they have in supermarkets they try to give you to take by the bucket-full makes me shit myself.

1 ways going both directions -

Incase you're wondering, theres no traffic lights and I doubt that van has two tail lights out.
Try braking. I was really hoping to see some tit cars like some old romeo’s or a few Ferraris dotted across the landscape or…fuck anything classic. All they have are Ford fiestas, VW rabbits, and all their compact Fiats/Opels/Citrons/Renaults…which are our Civics and Neons. Problem is, all their cars are banged to shit cause of the small streets. Shitty drivers and shitty streets make shitty looking cars. I’d be scared to take out my nice car too if it were anything like this:

Swift

LOL, hope your kid wasn't in the back seat

I mean, seriously, who needs to look behind them anyway?

Italian chicks/guys - All Italian chicks are funny shaped. They’re not fat, they’re just wide. It’s like they only gain weight sideways. And if you are fat, it bunches up in your Italian stomach and you can’t tell if they’re pregnant or a fatso. And all Italian guys have one eyebrow and hate everyone. They always have facial hair they always missed, or shave it before they go to bed so it grows back by morning. All Italians have black hair, before they dye it, bald or turn gray. I still don’t know if the guys hair is naturally greasy or not. Italian guys are mostly pussies. If there are 3 or more in a group, and a girl walks by, they’ll cat call and woo and annoy…possibly even stalk. If a guy is with that girl, instead the group stares at the wall or at the floor and quietly talk among themselves. It’s impossible to start a fight with an Italian because all there insults are mumbled under their breath and their physical pushing wont actually involve you…they’ll take out their frustration on one of your inanimate objects like pushing your backpack along the floor or pushing your pocket book with their ass if it’s too close to them on the bus. Wooooh, way to show me. I am the asshole of all observation.

McDonalds - WTF. This is supposed to be the American embassy if not a place to get my digestive system reset to normal. I’m walking down the street to get to the airport at like 5:30 am and saw a McDonalds down the road. I was like “shit, ours open up no later than 6 back home, worse case I’ll wait a half an hour for them to” This shit didn’t open till like 9. WTF. I need a god damn sausage-egg-and-cheese-biscuit and the owner wont show up till 9...if he feels like it. Fuck those guys. That’s the only reason I really hate it, because of the hours. I went to another one just to see if it was similar to ours, and it is. They just open later and take a nap halfway through the day.

No Sunkist - In fact, they only have a few types, mainly Coke, A little Pepsi, Sprite, and Fanta. I love Fanta. Not as much as Sunkist because Fanta has no caffeine, but it’s got a fine fine orangey taste. Little known fact: Adam drinks a Sunkist every morning. He enjoys the caffeine alternative from coffee and loves the taste but dislikes the pick-me-up power of orange juice.

Bidets - Pronounced “Bid-day”, also known as “the other toilet” I was at a hostel (hotel for travelers) and ran into an American guy from Oklahoma and shot the shit with him for a good 3 hours. 2 hours in we started joking about the bidets in all the rooms and he asked me if I tried it and I said I was too scared. Like a first gay experience, I was way to concerned with the pain and the awkwardness afterwards to really know if I’d enjoy it or not. He said I should give it a shot so I did. If you’re confused as to what it is, it looks like this:

You see, to me it looks like a weirder toilet, so I stare at it and say to myself “Well Adam, there’s really no big enough hole to crap in, and I’d feel weird peeing in it then trying to maneuver the faucet part around to wash it out”. I soon realized its pretty much a big roll of wet toilet paper. You just scooch down and balance yourself while it washes your nether regions. Harmless enough I suppose but I’d rather just take a shower and try to do that because at least you have a shower curtain in the way and you wont feel stupid with someone walking in on you while your trying to balance your anus in front of that spout. So I tried it and it totally blasted my ball sack clean off. Now I’m just wiener. Thanks guys.

I like my toilets like this, but why does it look like train tracks where the water should be?

Pussy metric system - Oh, big fucking deal, I can count to 1000 too. Grow some balls with your fucking math. A pound? 16 ounces. Fuck yeah. Where’s the pattern there dildo. I know the origin of all this stuff but seriously, metric is like the food stamps of the math world. You don’t even need to work to get results, they’re just practically handed to you. A meter is such an unnatural measurement and they label everything in walking directions like that too. “20 meters up a hill and to your right” 20 meters? That’s nothing like, or even close to a stride, or an arm-span, or any of that. That’s like measuring the liquids in your cooking with mouthfuls.

So all in all, Italy is a great place to visit. Nice sunsets, food and spirits…nice cause it’s different remember? But How can we sum up Italy as a country? I’ll recap the bolded comments above if you didn’t get the subtle hints in the first place:

They don’t care about you: They’re constantly pissed at tourists, even if we do help their economy to an unfathomable amount, They purposely talk fast or change to English even if you’re trying to show you have an interest in the language. They put Bidets in bathrooms.
They don’t care about themselves: Who lets there kids smoke at 16? Shitty business techniques shows a shitty economy.
They don’t care about anything important: Shut the fuck up, my show just started.

Pretty....mmmmm....

Awwww, cooooool....

Neatooooo....

LOFL!!!

Please visit, but if you willingly live there I’ll make fun of you.


Also I’d like to inform you that we will be doing a new secret contest in a few days, so feel free to post what would be a decent prize for the winner in this entry, like “not getting shit on for a week” or like, throwing up a winning contestants essay or some shit.