LIBHATER - PROTECTING YOU FROM YOURSELF

Year In Review

2005-12-06T16:57:00.000-05:00

At the end of every year, I enjoy looking back on the things that made the biggest impact on certain aspects of life. Some things can’t be ignored like chart topping albums, latest reality shows, and most importantly, what happened in my life. So due to the over abundance of events, I decided to give out official Libhater awards to the top performers in their respective categories. So without further hesitation, I give you the first installment of the 2005 Libhater Awards. If you notice, the award is a plaque, on top of a trophy, inside of a medal. This is some prestigious shit, so listen up.

Ugliest Chick

The lead singer of Coheed and Cambria. She’s got such a pretty voice, And I like her hair, she just needs to lose a little weight and shave that shit around her lips. Runner up was Ashton Kutcher was runner up. Bizarre, Ashton is an awfully masculine name for a girl.
*If I hear one more review of this band being compared to Rush I’m gonna throw up.

Comeback of the Year

Carrot top has always been sorta jacked, so this picture might not be as fake as I thought it was when I first saw it. You know what, it’s true. I don’t care even if you tell me it’s not. Props to him for staying out of the public and taking the time off to make himself absolutely awesome. Carrot top is my favorite comic ever.

Worst Band

Wait a sec, I thought you guys were like 35 or 40 now, and you’re still wearing eye liner? Listen, you’re not helping America. In fact, All you’re really doing is becoming less punk and tricking the youth of America into thinking they can all be rock stars, which would in turn make people who didn’t have a band like me, popular. You can’t always do what you want, and you definitely can’t tell that many people to fuck the system cause then no one will have money to buy your shitty music. Supply and Demand. If you’re gonna get old and refuse to sit out as the pop train picks up passengers, you might wanna take some hints from Henry Rollins and get an education, play the music that’s actually good, and keep some dignity in the process.

I will have to say that Henry Rollins is the only celebrity Lib that I’d actually like to hang out with, mostly because If I said I didn’t want to, he’d probably come to my house and beat me up.

alright, next:
Almost Cool but not quite

Does this guy even act in his films? It seems like he’s just…talking like he would to anyone else. I guess he’s a natural talker. Okay, so he talks like a retard on the family guy, great range. I’m convinced.

Dumbest Idea for a game, still.

Getting laid is overrated anyway.

People are still playing this fucking game. Just cause I can hurdle a fence in a cow pasture doesn’t mean I’m ready for the Olympics. Maybe the 3000 dollars of your moms money could’ve gone into dance lessons instead of teaching yourself how to river dance. You guys see the commercial for the video game rentals where a guy in his girlfriend are reading off titles like “lets count sand” and “lets wait in line”. I could’ve sworn I saw a title in there that said “lets step on squares”. Fuck yeah. I’m sure Bruce Lee limited himself to only 8 squares when trying to destroy someone in three moves. I’m still waiting for “Write Write Institution” where you sit in a desk and you have to write an essay to the tempo of getting hit by a ruler, or “Smell Smell Flatualation” where you stand in front of a vent and try to not pass out. If you’ve been to the Boston Museum of Science than just try to think of that god awful exhibit in the basement where they blow the animal odors at you to get a sense of what it’s really like to be there. The only pro I’ve found to this game is a story on the news where this chick lost 50 pounds playing this game, but she was still gross. Come to think of it, everyone I’ve ever heard or seen play this game looks like an ugly tree victim.

If you still don’t get it, I worked in the lab for a while hoping to make an analogy even you could understand.

If this is the standard for how dancing can be acquired, then they should dumb down and give me a free pass with other social interactions, like I should be able to take my wiener and hit a chick in the face with it. Instead of getting slapped maybe next time they’ll say “Wow, you must’ve been playing Dink Dink Slapitation“. 2/3 of the DDR’s title it a lie, and revolution is kind of giving it way too much credit.
*I was just informed that DDR only has 4 squares to jump on, which makes 4/3 of DDR’s title a lie.
Yes, 133% of it is Bull Shit.

That’s all for this installment, more coming next week, plus a great story about an old guy who only had to drive 3 miles from his friends house, back to his own…and got lost and hasn’t been seen since.

Your Music doesn't Suck, You Do

2005-12-06T11:22:00.000-05:00

With my brother slacking on adding to this site (probably because he's too busy sitting in his recliner bitching), I am now taking it upon myself to direct this vehicle of hate and rage in a new direction.
I've decided to add a new dimention to this site. While in the past we have decimated all opposition on the topic of liberal incompetence, I feel the stage is now set for me to discuss other issues. More specifically, I am going to make fun of the music you like. Music is something that defines your character, and if I can criticize it, hopefully you will make the connection that I am criticizing you as a human being, as well.

Country Music.

Okay, this is just pure shit. It makes any sane person's ears bleed. The reason that country sucks is that all the songs are exactly the same. All songs are so depressing I'd rather have a jellyfish in my shorts than to have my day ruined by some cowboy with hurt feelings. All songs have that ever-present extruciating fiddle in the background. All songs have one of three subject materials:
1. My Wife Left Me (Time Fer Some Drinkin')
2. I'm Leaving My Husband
3. I Miss My Wife (Time Fer Some Drinkin')

The only way you could possibly enjoy this frothy diarrhea is if your brain is pickled with tooth-rotting moonshine, you fucking gultch.

Everyone who isn't a moron knows that this shit is made specifically for rednecks. Rednecks aren't inherently bad, they just aren't good, either. Something about the uneducated, non-directioned, ignorant inbred just doesn't help give me hope in America's future.

Hip Hop.

Now this shit has no place in the New World. I have a real problem with this fucking crap because there are no guitars in it, and you need guitars to make music. Listen, if I made you french fries without using potatoes, you'd say 'what the fuck? What's with this plate of oil and salt?' And then you'd get the point. In fact, I want you to go make a thermos of salt-oil that you can sip the next time you are in your car and chillin' to Beyonce. If you are going to be an ignorant cunt with music, you might as well be ignorant in all ways.
And what's with Fat Joe? He's a stupid dressing no talent fuck. Now let's all rush out and throw money at him. He is porky pig's son. Why didn't I think of it first, naming myself after an erection and stalking J-lo.

One Metric ton of Fertilizer, 14 grams of Yankee hat

Emo. (sadcore)

Easily the most insignificant of all the genres. I love these Emo people, because they already have a headstart on feeling like shit; they don't need me to tell them. But I will. Until very recently, I didn't even know there was such a thing as 'emo'. I was simply under the impression that there were just an influx of nerdy little depressed teenagers everywhere, which I was completely comfortable with, since it gave me constant reason to chuckle. However, it turns out this is a fad, which means it is linked to liberalism.
It turns out that all this shit is simply typical crappy teen poetry that somehow leaked its disgusting filth into our radios. Slowly rock music began to turn all heartfelt and whiney, and I realized this was just a ploy for mediocre kids to get attention.
Here's an IM conversation I intercepted on the internet (note the need for drama)
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: omg my gf just left me
acidburnedsoul: that sux man
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: i blame myself only i'm such an ass *cries*
acidburnedsoul: dude come over to my house and we can cut ourselves together
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: okay *cries*
acidburnedsoul: omg dashboard confessional has a new cd, i preordered it already
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: dude they're my favorite band to self-mutilate to
acidburnedsoul: i prefer to cut myself while watching Napoleon Dynamite on my bigscreen
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: dude that movie is so deep. i cry every time i see it
acidburnedsoul: me too. i hate myself
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: yeah we're such tortured souls, nobody understands how hard life is for us
acidburnedsoul: yeah we got it tough dude. pass the tissues

What a bunch of estrogen filled pussies.

Kill these people before they try kill themselves

NuMetal.

It's hard to even say that term without pausing to giggle. I know, you can't decide if you want to listen to slayer or backstreetboys, so let's just compromise and listen to something exactly in between. It seems you don't want to rock too hard so as not to offend anyone around you, yet you want to send the message loud and clear that you rock the heavy shit. Nothing says testosterone like being a moped kind of guy in a motorcycle world. I mean, if you are going to try to piss off your parents with your rebellious music, why not start listening to the vengeful and bloodthirsty sounds of limp bizkit.
And if you are starting your own band, remember: You may only play a 7 string Ibenez even though you won't be playing a guitar solo. Ever.
Here's the blueprint for all of the NuMetal songs:
So here's the blueprint: start with a nice processed drumbeat for 8 bars. then come in with big, fizzing, power chords. Take the guitars down a notch and allow your buddy to rap in an unimaginative fashion. This is all part of the plan. The slightly drab verse builds up and before you know it you're upping the stakes, pulling out the stops, and hitting the kids with the huge angry chorus, instruments thrashing wildly, vocals wailing, and the tune with a hook as infectious as herpes. Maybe your pals can shout behind you a bit here, to give your anger more authenticity. This whole process should then be repeated, and followed by a bridge that's a bit shouty. Then repeat chorus until only the most stupid of people won't be able to recite it back.

What used to take four people, now takes six.

Can Someone Please Tell Me What The Fuck Is Going On

2005-12-01T14:38:00.000-05:00

With the Yankees in the off season, I've had more time to observe just how fucked society is getting. It seems that during the baseball season I had become so distracted and oblivious to the actual patheticness and mind-numbingly pitiful interests of the rest of the world. So since you are still reading, you obviously want me to tell you about what I've noticed in the world lately.

Can someone please tell me why Hillary Duff is a celebrity? Is she a fucking singer? Is she a fucking actress? Why do I keep hearing about her? Don't get me wrong, there is nothing I love more than a girl built like a 12 year old boy. But I still don't know why she is famous.

Large Penis Support Group. Okay, usually I am too busy getting drunk to be concerned with the goings on of dudes with enormous wieners. However, stumbling upon this organization's website just shook me to my very bowels. This whole time I've been so ignorant of the plight and constant hardship of guys with gigantic wieners. I mean it's such a terrible debilitating infirmity that they have to have to have meetings and shit. I bet they envy me for having a wiener that is perfect for dialing a rotary phone with.

Reality Show about Gorillas.
While you've been having sex with your pillow every night, pretending that it's a real girl, I've been trying to pretend that reality TV hasn't taken over the universe. But it turns out that it has, and this new series proves that we are now fucked. Just thinking about the ensuing riveting drama makes me stop what I am doing and masturbate furiously.

Extreme Rock Paper Scissors. The original game was bad enough, only being played by wishy washy liberals when deciding who's turn it is to go down to the store to buy the slimjims and mountain dew code red with their foodstamps. If you're freakish enough to be able to play this new game without having to look at the legend, you might as well humiliate yourself on a national level and get a giant face tattoo like Mike Tyson did.

Faggity-ass MySpace people.
Here's the harsh reality: Nobody likes you. Not only that, nobody that knows you gives a shit that you like the mocha espresso at starbucks, and as a stranger, I will not give a shit about it either. Oh, how clever, you figured out how to pipe in 'Lean Back' for me to listen to as I get a glimpse of your empty life. Please kill yourselves.

Nerdy/Trendy Chicks/Hookers.
I know you are still finding yourself, and maybe you will find her while having sex with everyone you meet. Those glasses make you look like a retard. Face it, you are not hot like the chick on american pie. I know they go well with your replica Atari lunchbox, but the combination of the two just makes for interesting overload. Most people can only take you with one interesting accessory at a time. Nice Judas priest t-shirt. I'm sure you were a huge fan of theirs back when they were at their prime, when you were like 3. In my day, your types were known as ravers, and got the shit kicked out of them. The world has grown soft, I tell you.

Cellphone mania.

This asshole is stuck in the stone age with me, and I'm comfortable with that. My cellphone is such a piece of shit that I have to squeeze the screen in an exact place to read it. I have to team up with a buddy to call people and check out is who is calling me because I don't have three hands. My roommate has a cellphone that watches football with him and gives him a BJ after the game. I have to survive on Ramen noodles and his phone is hogging the stove making him prime rib. Fuck him and his phone and fuck you too.

Just because you're gay doesn't mean you know anything about the economy.

2005-11-07T20:53:00.000-05:00

Man recovering from burns after costume fire

A Lisbon man is recovering from burns after his Halloween sheep costume caught fire at a Halloween party.

An investigator with the state Fire Marshal's Office said Kenneth Daigle Jr., 28, created a sheep costume to wear to a party by gluing about 1,800 cotton balls to a pair of long underwear.

Chris Stanford said that the cotton balls burst into flames at about 2 a.m. Sunday when Daigle brushed up against someone's cigarette while in the garage at a party in Greene.

Daigle told officials he watched as the fire spread from his right arm to the rest of his body in a matter of seconds.

Officials said Daigle suffered second- and third-degree burns to his hands, arms and thighs. He is listed in fair condition at Maine Medical Center in Portland, where he is expected to remain for several more days
-PPH

Alright now that I got that out of the way…oh right:

Just because you're gay doesn't mean you know anything about the economy.

Listen Meow, I'd like to thank everyone who sent in E-mails and comments over every gay issue we've ever had. Because of this, I get to separate myself from Jesse's: "being gay is gross" campaign, so I can attack from the business standpoint of "I don't care if you're gay, just get out of the way". This is already ridiculous, but I'm about to put it in bite size pieces for you to understand.

I'll read your findings Jesse, you just gotta let go of the bindings.

The origins of this post are a combination of Jesses last week post, and the election that’s coming up in Maine tomorrow. If you want to read all the issues, you can right here, but there's really no use. the issues can be summed up as "Would you like to not be able to make your own decisions regarding your personal views on gay/lesbians, and can we take a crap load of your money to fix shit we could've done ourselves? We were too busy raising your taxes and spending it on other crap". I'm going to focus on question one, since the other questions are waaaaay to boring to deal with right now.

Just staring at question one for more than 30 seconds tricks me into voting for something I didn't even want to. Let me get this straight - Do I want to REJECT the new law that would protect people from discrimination in employment, housing, education, public accommodations and credit based on their sexual orientation? - I figured the more CAPITOLIZING, underlining, italisizing and bolderizing I did to the text, the easier I could understand. It doesn’t help. As soon as i see the word "protect", it tricks me into thinking I'm already doing something wrong. Fuck that. I'm pretty sure I want to keep the right to make my own decisions, but it's worded so gay-ly that I can't figure out if I should vote yes or no.

Retards. First off, reverse discrimination is awesome. Thanks for making up a syndrome that we can just use against you. Kick and scream about being gay and not having whatever rights you don't think you have, and that just gives us more ammunition to launch back at you in the form of "You're discriminating against us for not letting us not like you, which we have just as much of a right doing as you do putting it in someones butt". I like how you can make laws over being a cry baby, or because people are big meanies.

I'll leave that stuff to my brother, the biggest issue that's been popping up around here is people using this question as a stepping stone towards gay marriage. All in all, the concept wouldn't be so terrible is you didn't fuck it up before it even became legal. You kids already have Civil Unions and you can't even do that right. Not to mention, I guess you guys can’t help but to kick the fuck out of eachother whenever you get the chance.

What does all this mean? Statistically, the gay and lesbian community can't even stay in a relationship for longer than 2 or 3 years until they reach like 40. The reason? Who the fuck knows. I have about 8 billion theories, but all I can tell you is that it's not my fault. I probably would not mind legalizing marriage for them, if they would also propose that divorce would be illegal. Where am I going with this? Why do I care if they get married? In my own little tiny few acre world, looking out the window, It doesn't affect me one bit. But the second I try to go get a loan, chances are...I'm fucked.

Follow me here. If you took an economics class, this wont be hard for you at all. I'm going to try to use something most of us can understand, being car insurance. For most companies, if you're married, they assume certain things like multiple cars, combined income, and the possibly of offspring that will also be included on the policy. For these reasons, this insurance company can offer a discount on the agreement. Statistically, this is a safe bet for ACME insurance because the odds are in their favor that they will be paid on time, and the odds are good that they will keep the policy for an extended period. The same company has a same sex couple come in and apply for the same insurance. The rate isn't the same? What the fuck?! "Just because we're gay doesn't mean we don't drive a car". That's very true, but statistically, they can't gamble on giving you this rate if you're just going to get a divorce next year. It's extra work, you have to sign up for 6 month or 1 year programs in most instances, and it's just not a circumstance that any normal business owner would want to participate in.

How can facts be discriminatory? You're the ones doing it to yourselves. Get your shit together and maybe people will take you more seriously. If you don't understand yet, I've included some pictures to help.

"This is fuckin’ stupid! This company is being a bunch of age-sists. Just because being under 25 doesn't mean I'm gonna get in an accident."

No, it does. Out of everyone that I know that has a license, every single one has been in an accident. It would be financial suicide to have lower rates for 20 somethings if statistically, we crash cars all the fucking time.

"GOD! I just lost $4000 on my team! They shouldn't even have the under picks if they're destined to lose."

You're right Libs. Vegas shouldn't exist either. They make those odds so they can make a profit, knowing the chances are, that team is not going to win.

"I can't even sit on a couch or drive a car without killing myself. Because of this, I should be in charge of transportation and comfort laws in this state".
Why leave this guy in charge of anything that he can't even handle. I'm suprised breathing hasn't gotten the best of him yet. If you read that second link, it also mentions that he broke three of his ribs just getting the newspaper.

I'm dumbing this down more and more in hopes you're going to understand why you can't bet on things that are destined to fail. I got one more for you.

"Ah yes….I have no hands and I'm calling in regards to your secretary job."
Not only should discrimination be legal, it should be manditory.

I am not saying they're pushing the legalization of marriage for the sake of benefits, but if they're this concerned about discrimination and it's not legal, little things like this will be the nit picky crap that will only fuck things up more. You have to think long term, not just because it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside now.

Money makes the world go 'round, not feelings. Thanks for nothing Lennon. Just because something feeeeeeeels good, doesn't mean it's going to help anyone but yourself. Im not going to run the sanctity of marriage card, the affect of our kids in school card, but I will run the economics card any time I get the chance. Just because you're gay doesn’t mean you’re granted the automatic ability and know-how to run a business, unless it’s a smoothie shop or an art museum.

Liberals are slowly being extracted from the human population

2005-10-29T12:22:00.000-04:00

I'd first like to say that it is great to be back. Now fuck off.

Jesse works diligently in the analogy lab as his brother looks on

After months working tirelessly in the lab, I have uncovered new and overwhelming proof that gay people deserve all the shit that they get. That's right, I have found in my researching that discrimination and the general picking on of gay people is not only acceptable, it is actually a natural human tendency. The icing on the cake is that my theory was proven using Darwinian philosophy. Gay people are liberals, and liberals are evolutionists since they hate God, and evolutionists believe in Darwinism. So I used a gay peoples' faggity-ass reasoning on them. Beating them at their own 'gaym', if you will.

Chances are that you remember going outside during recess when you were a child. Probably you remember playing games with the other children. But things have changed since I was a little boy. The liberals have taken over the school systems and banned some of the games we played when I was young. One of the games those fucking whiners outlawed was called 'Smear the Queer'. It was AWESOME. The rules are simple, according to Hoyle's Official Rules.

Smear the queer is a rougher tag variant common among children. In this game, "it" is instead called "the queer" (the word is used in the sense of "homosexual" to contemporary players). The queer does not try to tag the other players; instead, he tries to avoid being tagged, or, more often, tackled (knocked down to the ground as roughly as possible).

Smear the queer is often played with an object such as a ball which is held by the "queer". Once the "queer" is tagged or tackled, he throws the object at another player. The other players then try to avoid the object, so as not to become the new "queer". Like other forms of tag, those who stay "it" (queer) the longest are considered the worst players.

And it looks a little like this:

Remember to go for the pressure point

Oh and as a side point, the above picture came from this cutting edge research story in the UK. Shimply ex'shtrod'nry journ'lism, old chaps.

The point here is that children, who have not yet been infected with agenda-based grownup's mentality, are operating on instinct when they are away from the grownups. The games they play are along the same lines as the shit baby lion cubs play with each other when they are tiny and misleadingly adorable. Do you watch nature shows? Me neither but some how I know that adolescent animals roughhouse like this all the time to prove dominance, seek acceptability, and all that kind of instinctive experimental shite. And oh yeah, if one of the lion cubs was discovered by the others to exhibit some type of major difference between it and the others, you could bet that it would be the one singled out and fucked with on a regular basis. (As grownups, we cannot legally play Smear the Queer, because we are burdened by large liberal government with many laws.) That's how nature works. Natural selection. If you act in unacceptable ways, the others will kill you. I miss playing smear the Queer.

The whole natural selection thing that God-hating liberals believe in actually does have merit. Just look at the hurricane situation in the South. It was awesome! It helped weed out the true idiots of our species and punished many more lesser idiots. Chalk this up to evolutionary theory disposing of the bottom tier of human intelligence.

The local government called for an evacuation of New Orleans. Thousands of people who live in a city that is below sea level heard that call, shrugged, and said, "Fuck that. I think I will just chill where I am." Now they are paying the price of their liberal ignorance. It really pisses me off when I see some Katrina victim on the news say, "But all the buses going out of the city were full. We had to stay. We had no option!" FUCK YOU. It is called a "disaster" for a reason. If the buses are full, find another way out! Hire that old Creole bastard Francois Villeneux and his rowboat and get the fuck out! Do what you have to!

This tree actually landed just feet from where this guy slept. Hard to believe this guy is even stupider than

This non-planning jerkoff

There are always options. This is a perfect case of Darwinism revealing itself in modern day America. If you act like a dumbass, you might die. But oh we are supposed to feel sorry for Leroy Washington who claims he couldn't get on a bus out of town. Aww, not everything was provided to you? Poor fucking baby. With three days notice, you could have outwalked the storm, you fucking stupid dildo.

To sum up, liberals are slowly killing themselves off, which frees up a lot of time for people with skills.

Liberals should know not to try to compete with such a well rounded actor as Wilson. They will get upstaged every time.

Liberals, Masters of Originality... P.S....Southpark is better than Family Guy

2005-10-28T16:31:00.000-04:00

Yeah that’s right, I said it. Southpark is way fucking better than Family Guy, and you know it. I’m not saying Southpark is the best cartoon ever, those spots are reserved for Popeye, Ren and Stimpy, Simpsons, and possibly Beavis and Butthead. I’m also not saying Family Guy would be put right behind Southpark…what I am saying if SP were #4 on the best cartoons ever, FG wouldn’t hit the top the 10.

remember the cartoons you could watch with your kids?

What the fuck does this have to do with anything? I’ll tell you if you just fucking chill out for a second. This all started when Comedy Central started the new season of South P and I TOTALLY forgot how great this show is. I enjoy Wednesdays because you get a new episode and then they started the new season of Drawn Together, which is a lot like FG in many respects. Anyway, being wicked excited about a new Wednesday night ritual, my friend decided to say something absolutely fucking retarded, and that being “Yeah…I like Southpark, but it’s not nearly as good as Family Guy”.

Remember when this show used to be called the Simpsons? It was around the same time Linkin Park was called 311.

So after dropkicking him through the window, I set out to find other people who might of thought this way. There’s a lot of people that like Family Guy, and it’s understandable. The show is pretty funny. I mean, for fucks sake, 4 seasons is definitely long enough to solidify its right as the best cartoon ever. Oh sure! In fact, I support the fact cartoon network runs the all 4 seasons 30 times a day. Why the fuck not. I still can’t figure out if that British football shaped kid says “fuckin cry” or “laugh and cry” at the beginning. I’m sure you all want to correct me right now, but before you do, understand you’re just going to make yourself look like one of the libs I’m about to blow away.

Libs? Oh yeah. Here’s the connection. I’ve found that everyone who thinks Family Guy is better, is a Lib. Whaaaat? Oh yeah. All of them. And considering everyone is a Lib until they’re 20 anyway, comments are null and void if you’re under 21. Why, you may ask, is Family Guy the choice of Libs? I’ve boiled it down to one distinct reason, and that’s lack of originality.

South P is original. The way the animation was in the first place, and most of the topics are good too. Most original cartoon ever? Fuck no. But at least they’ll make good situations like Cartman attempting the Special Olympics, Center a whole episode around a couple who has asses where there faces should be, and they poke fun of current events, on a timely manner, not 20 years after they fucking happened ::cough cough family guy cough cough::

No thank you, Chili makes us throw up

Listen, We all know Liberals are very un-original people. Much like the fact there’s no such thing as a conservative Rap artist. It would be commercial suicide and rappers tend to recycle older tracks, or borrow it from someone else. The whole mantra to make themselves (liberals) feel cool is to have a bunch of smaller groups that believe their own thing, and you’re not cool if you don’t get it. The drawback is, when all 400 groups that have their own cool thing are underneath one giant group, it makes you lame. You make yourselves the majority by combining the smaller groups…nice job. Way to stick it to the man. You guys are so original, that everyone is just like you.

Holy shit! Did you see that? The Kool Aid guy just busted through the wall! Oh Jesus, remember when we used to drink kool aid? Oh man! Adam West! HA HA HA! He used to be batman! Holy shit…that kid just got sucked into that video, you remember that video? Whoa, it’s like they took the same video but added that retarded kid in there. NO WAY! Was that just the Fonze? Did he said he the clap? Un-fucking-believable. Wait, was the an Oompaloompa? No way! Charlie and the Chocolate factory did exist at some point in time, so I guess that’s game to throw it in this cartoon.

Just because it happened, doesn’t mean you HAVE to use it in your god damn show. Try thinking up of your own ideas, instead of recycling old ideas to try to make them funny again. Sometimes it works, but not as a basis. The distinction between the two is Southpark = Classic, Family Guy = Cult Classic. You can lump a crap load of those cartoon network shows in there too, like anything underwater, anyone with wings, anything with a sword, and those guys in my happy meal. What the fuck is up with that show anyway? Is it soooo Bizarre and soooo different that it makes it cool? Alright, If Family Guy is Howard Dean, then I now label Aqua Teen the Art Funding of the democratic party. Howard, do whatever you want, say everything everyone already said, and people will like you. And Art Department…you guys are right, that is art, if you‘re high and/or retarded.

What else are they gonna make shows about? Or better yet, what else are they gonna rip off? If I’ve learned anything about adult swim it’s: Random Talking Food + Chinese eyes + Action lines + Recycled Humor = instant classic.

I’m next on the list of cartoon ideas. Just make my eyes slanted.

Recap? Classic = Punch Drunk Love. “You’re so beautiful I just want to smash your face with a sledgehammer“. Cult Classic = Happy Gilmore. Oh shit he beat up Bob Barker!…remember that guy? He used to be on that game show! HOLY SHIT THAT’S FUNNY!!! I just tried watching that movie the other night and I remember it being funny when I was in 7th grade. So I’m expecting you 20 somethings to come to your senses when you’re about 35, and you finally part with your Brak show seasons 3 and 4 DVD’s.

All in all, three cheers for an absolute unoriginal party with an absolute unoriginal show. Have pride in the fact that the more numbers you have supporting something original, the less original you are.

Brilliance

because you were wondering

2005-10-03T20:38:00.000-04:00

+

=

combining the two makes a lazy baseball fan.

If I Were Christ, This Would Be My Like My 4th Coming

2005-09-22T20:41:00.000-04:00

Oh yes. Yes yes yes. I missed you. Did you know that? I did. I thought about you all the time. I’m sorry too. Even though I knew how important you were, I kept doing other things, and putting you off. It ate away at me, until I couldn’t take it anymore, but I’m back baby. I’m back, and I won’t leave you again, or at least for another few months. I love you Libhater, in Libhater we trust.

If you check back every once in a while, and found NOTHING was new for god knows how long, I apologize. I spent a good few months trying to put myself in a position where I would be consistently happy, and it worked. I wont be giving specifics unless you ask, so just take that as a valid excuse. My brother? Oh, he’s somewhere. He’s doing well just no internet anymore, and he’s looking for a better place to set up camp. In the mean time, fuck him. I’m running the show.

If you’re new to Libhater, let me give you a quick run down. My name is Adam. I enjoy orange juice with the pulp in it, drinking beer, and being unreliable to the people that I don’t like. The premise of the site is pretty simple. It’s not as much about politics as it is about common sense. Plenty of sarcasm, pictures, captions, and leaving comments only makes this place better. We’ve made people shut down their sites, launched assaults on other sites, and I’m pretty sure made a few peoples heads explode. My usual shtick is I pick a topic that, isn’t really a bad thing that’s going on, or a topic that I generally agree with, and then pick it apart as to why it sucks. The real humor comes from the people that don’t understand the sarcasm, and then come to the conclusion I support something stupid like killing immigrants or supporting rape. I don’t enjoy picking apart current events because then it just turns into red vs. blue, or just sounds like the regular crap you can hear on talk radio. So unless if I can come up with a better spin, I won’t even bother.

I would like to say something about the hurricane real quick. Old news, yeah, but aside from the fact it sucks what happened, I came to 2 conclusions. One is, Katrina is such a sexy name for a hurricane, and unless the hurricane gave everyone an orgasm or only fucked their clothes up and went away, there’s really no reason to name it that. To my knowledge, most storms are regular names, and they are names is order of the alphabet, like they wont jump to R or X after this. I might be wrong, I dunno, but my proposal is not name the hurricane until it’s over with. It’s not like anyone’s not gonna know which fucking hurricane you’re talking about. “oh, THAT hurricane… I thought you were talking about that hurricane that happened 4 years ago”. We had a storm here…oh jesus like 10 years ago or something, named Hurricane Bob. Bob, yup. No power for like a fucking month and trees just all over the fucking place. Rednecks unite, I tell you. If you had a chain saw, you might as well have had the hand of God. But hurricane Bob!? I don’t even know any bobs, but I guarantee they don’t rip trees out of the ground and hurl them at my house.

Holy shit guys, it's hurrcane Adam

After the storm leaves, we keep the idea of coming up with the next name in alphabetical order, but name it after what it actually did. I probably would’ve named it Hurricane Kock Face, or Hurricane Knot Good. Hurricane Kajun Krusher. Now, The other thing I gotta say is what is with these people and the government handouts. I understand money needs to be given to kick the economy back up, roads, transportation, build up commerce and get peoples lives moving and the income flowing again. What president or anyone with money to burn wouldn’t donate? What I don’t understand is why some of these people on the news are pissed off because Bush didn’t give them money and shit, as fast as he did.

What the fuck. Let me get this straight. You’re living in an area that chances are, you weren’t forced to live in. It wasn’t mandatory for you to live there. Your house gets crushed by, essentially something that was nobody’s fault, and you’re biggest concern is you aren’t getting free shit as fast as you want. Smooth. I think the pres did fine. The government is donating ass loads of cash, so chalk that up to that “compassionate conservatism” idea that you don’t understand. As well as millions of people, including myself, donating to the people who need it. Beggars can’t be choosers, unless it has to do with Bush, in which case the book goes out the window. That sound about right? You libs are charming.

I’m not being insensitive, and even if I were a little, it’s still not as ass-holish as the guy who made this picture:

Now the real meat of this post is what I stumbled about here. http://www.menagainstdv.org/index.html

Ending domestic violence ends with my involvement? I thought not getting involved with punching my kids would be a much better idea. If you don’t want to read it, it’s a group of men who go on walks and parades and give out news letters, spreading the word that they don’t beat their wives and girlfriends, and they don’t think you should either. Really? I shouldn’t? Jesus, thanks guys. I guess I’ll put down this lead pipe and stop hitting my wife now. I thought it was a normal thing to knock your girlfriend around. Are you guys serious? Listen, there’s better ways of getting revenge on your significant other.

For instance, when my gf leaves her new box of tampons open on the floor, I don’t really know what to think. It’s a little tacky if you have company over, and I don’t know where to put them where in case of an emergency, they are still able to be found. Instead of kicking the crap out of her, I just took that little piece of warning paper off the top. You know that piece, it says “important instructions on toxic shock syndrome”. I scratch out the essay about TSS, and write in my new thing, so the end result says: “Warning: Leaving out new box of tampons lets boyfriend count how many have been used. Boyfriend does not want to keep track on the extent of your satanic flow today.” You see, beating your wife and writing a blurb like that are equally as humiliating, but one leaves a lot less bruises, and is a hell of a lot funnier.

I was gonna put a picture here but i was talked out of it.

Now that they have my attention, I guess I should donate money to them? If I don’t, will they go back to tossing around their loved ones? Do I support domestic violence if I don’t support the site? Are they threatening me? Should I call for help? I seriously can’t tell the difference between this website and something the newspaper doesn’t already tell me everyday.

scream all you want, you're not gonna make me late to my AA meeting

Oh yeah, and i found this:
“If you are currently in an abusive relationship, please seek assistance by clicking ::here::. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 now.”
….”hi, 911? Yeah, my husband was wrapping my head off the computer screen while I was looking at this site, and I got your number off of it. Should I have called you first before looking for information on the net?”

Listen, it’s a noble cause, I understand what they don’t want you to do, and I agree. You get that? But I have a feeling that the cause is lost due to it’s obvious brain dead nature. It’s like having a site talking about how you shouldn’t stick your hands near the timing belt of a running car, or how fire is hot. My solution? We know theres instances of domestic violence everywhere, and it’s not cool, but find me someone, that beats the crap out of their kids and record them saying “Well geez, I thought when they cry that meant I wasn’t hitting them hard enough”. And if you do find that guy, give me his address and I’ll go club them for you. Something tells me that people who do that kind of thing aren’t gonna be “talked out of the situation”. Lets make a site where we take names to add to the shit list, or better yet, let’s just use this one and maybe we can help a few people.

Here‘s where I bring you full circle, Joe Torre is a big contributor to Men Against Domestic Violence. If you don’t know who Joe Torre is, he’s the manager of the Yankees, so I’m doing my part to tell you that as of Sept 22, Yankees are in first place in their division.

Yankees nation.

It's good to be back. Let the arguments begin.

You Fucked More than 2 People Before You fucked Me?! What a Slut…

2005-05-16T18:02:00.000-04:00

I love being a guy, and for so many reasons. The troubling title of this post isn‘t the subject, but it’s just one of the perks of having balls. I can bang all the people I want and I become the conqueror with a cock. You on the other hand, are just nasty. Now I don’t hate girls, and I certainly can’t live without them, but there’s something that’s quite disturbing about the assumptions we make about gender differences. That’s your fault. I could care less between gender differences in the workplace, “roles” in the home, all of that junk. The thing that chumps my bump is how, at least a lot of females that I know, use the fact that their a chick to make excuses for stupid shit, whenever it helps their situation. I don’t quite know what the direction of this entry is, but I can definitely give you some great insight as to things that would happen in certain situations if rules were reversed.

Let me start off by saying there are a lot of things I do enjoy about the sexes. For instance, I think every once in a while it’s cute when a girl accidentally puts the toilet paper on the dispenser backwards, so the slack is harder to get to because it’s up against the wall. When my roommate used to do it, I would get so aggravated that I’d crap in his bed.

My first example, and maybe only because I already feel like straying from this topic, is this site. I’m making a safe assumption I think in stating that this author is a female. I stumbled across this site a few weeks ago and reading through things like this and this and this helped me come to a few conclusions about myself.

Being successful is my only option if I want to be considered above sub-human status.
I’m better than people who I try to help,
“Mediocrity in suburbia” is an absolute ridiculous suggestion, and
Kids are way to much of a chore, and I’m getting rid of mine

If you noticed, a big portion of comments were deleted on the ass grab post. If you don't want to read it, she complains that she talked to a cute guy at a bar for a half an hour or more, and then he grabs her ass. I made some comments on there, the deleted ones, yes those were mine. Most of my replies were comments like “well, take it where you can get it, I bet those things don’t happen to you very often”, “I’m sure you were only entertaining his conversation” and “why don’t you cry about it”. Heartless, sorry. I tried reasoning with her, I added stuff in like “so let me get this straight, you were at a bar…and someone grabbed your ass? A bar? What’s this world coming to…” or “He can do whatever he wants but he’ll have to pay for the consequences. You could’ve kicked him in the balls, and I’m sure he wouldn’t have tried to snap your neck in retaliation”.

The point of that example? It’s always someone else’s fault. This is the benefit to being a girl. If this were a guy that were this much of a whiner in real life, he probably would’ve gotten his ass beat. So in reality, you‘re keeping the ovary of feminism rolling along its rainbow path by exercising your right of not shutting the fuck up. “Boo Hoo, my job sucks, I went to this totally awesome school that’s way better than yours and life is sooo hard. I’m only ‘helping’ people for my own personal gain”. Judas. It’s not even your job. They didn’t have to employ you. But, chalk another one up for lack of responsibility, and how the man is holding your Mexican ass down.

I’m not trying to start a fight, as much as I’d like one...alright I’m lying…I do want to start one. I enjoy starting problems as much as I enjoy watching my co-worker eat her giant dill pickle for lunch, but the following should apply to ALL sites I come across: There’s no point to having thoughts written down on a site anyone can access if you don’t want anyone to give a crap about them, and there’s no point to having a comment option if you don’t want to hear what people have to say, or if they don’t agree with you.

That’s just a warning shot

Which brings me to something slightly off topic. I hate the fact that I’m not allowed to hate anything. This all started a few years ago where they put a smoking ban in all indoor businesses, so now I have to go across the border…to New Hampshire, just to sit at a Denny’s and smoke. Fuckin’ bull shit. I don’t think anyone is going to debate that cigarettes kill me, but with a philosophy of “the world is going to end before I die of lung cancer”, I find it hard to find a reason to stop. Plus I don’t see why it can’t be the owners decision, but that’s history now.

My hatred sparked back up again when they had a commercial on the radio about this landlord who’s putting a classified add in the paper for his apartment he’s trying to rent out. It pretty much goes like “’It’s a 2 bedroom, 1000 a month, no dogs, off street parking…um, heat and hot water are included. No Mexicans, Koreans, Jews, Arabians, no one of any small religious affiliation, and…I guess that about it’ discrimination isn’t always as easy to recognize as this…if you think you’ve been a victim of racial or ethnic discrimination while trying to become a homeowner or tenant, call the state at blah blah blah…”

Last I knew, that guy owned that apartment building, I thought he would’ve had a choice to keep those feisty Puerto Ricans out of his building, but I guess not. Why am I not allowed to hate anything anymore? If the landlord didn’t like you for whatever reason, and he didn’t speak up about it, wouldn’t that just cause more grief in the long run? If you knew he didn’t like you, and you kicked and screamed and whined because you didn’t get the place, went to court about it and won, you still wouldn’t be living there anyway.

I didn’t know that you could have law suits with the basis of you being a pussy. Think of it this way: I can’t wait for my kid to come home from school or day care one day and say “Jimmy is pressing charges against me because I wouldn’t share my bologna sandwich with him“. You little ingrate, I made you that sandwich so you could give it away, just like I bought this apartment building to put someone I don’t want into it. I just don’t get why people aren’t allowed to hate or even have anything anymore without someone regulating it because it might make some people sad. :(

My Sandwich + Not sharing = Jimmy pressing charges? .....Maybe I should just bite him.

You Never Cease To Amaze Me

2005-05-12T17:31:00.000-04:00

Mmmmhmmm, yes it has been quite a while hasn't it. The blog is not dead, it never was. The past few weeks, er, months, have been spent doing much more important and productive things like getting laid or cooking hamburgers. And if I was feeling feisty, I might’ve even done both in the same night. I'm actually trying to kill two birds with one stone by typing this on my down time at the Post Office. I've been working crazy MF'ing hours and the last thing I feel like doing when I get home from work is argue with people over the internet. The posts are probably sub-par due to time restraints, but i can only go so long without being bitter, so let me jump right into this.
First order of business is...this piece of shit:

goes together like peanut butter and jelly

This is old news, or at least i saw it on the news a week or two ago. Is it a dolphin? is it a Walrus? wait...no a whale...it sort of looks like hippopotamus. God damn it. Libs, what are you thinking? A Wolphin?!? Judas. I'll tell you why this thing is retarded, even more retarded then this happy looking Zonkey, and I'll also tell you why this was a liberals idea.

What can you do with this thing? When you mix two sea creatures together, does the product become an unstoppable force? Can it do calculus for me? Does it shit gold? Can I employ it? Can it baby-sit my kid? Can it catapult even more people into the air like it's sea world predecessors? I can't own one. I can't domesticate it, and even if I could, would I? Fuck no. I worked for hours in the lab this morning before I came to work to come up with a good analogy as to why this is the most ridiculous idea ever. It broke my data machine. It would pop and fizzle and smoke and then spit out a piece of paper that said "combining these two is like combining a whale and a dolphin". This poor thing is a joke in itself. So essentially, you raped the dolphin, and made it spit out this bean against it's will? Two things you apparently don't support...so why didn’t you just abort it?

And I know why you mother fuckers are doing this. You've already fucked up my tuna, now you're making my whale dinners dolphin safe too. It's hard to get the dolphin off our harpoons when they get shishkabobed while aiming for the delicious whales. On the other hand, to protect the whales as well, why not just breed them with a dolphin so just like John Kerry, you can choose whichever side best fits your argument.

I voted for that whale before it was a dolphin!

I really tried hard thinking of other reasons as to why you’d do something like this, aside from making an animal that will just try to kill itself, as well as fucking with my food, and the only one I could think of is for government funding. Since rootin' tootin' cowboy conservatives like myself enjoy a good hunt every once in a while, and blew the fuck out of all your other "endangered species", your subjects to receive the money has probably been getting a little thin. So props to you guys for inventing a new species. Is this really where my money is going? For fucks sake, if I were president and I were sitting in my office, and someone dropped this request on my desk, my reply would probably look something like this:

Attn: Liberal Scientists
RE: Funding you're not going to get

Dear California Scientists
After half-heartedly skimming over your request for further money to research the ability to breed an opossum with a kangaroo, I regret to inform you that you're a dildo. I have not seen any progress or results that will provide a cure for cancer, patch up your fake o-zone holes, or benefit mankind in any way shape or form. The request had not mentioned anything about using a male and a female subject, so I can only assume you are attempting to turn all of Americas animals gay. I am not going to let you fiddle with the animals, or help with your plan to spread sexual tolerance through wildlife. And since both the opossum and kangaroo are both marsupials, presumably the same "family", I am making it mandatory for you to breed with your Mother. The funding will only be sent to the camera crews to record the whole session, and further funding will be provided for you and your Mongoloid child through the forms of food stamps and other types of welfare, which are already, and have been available for you. Failure to comply will result in automatic removal from the country. Thank you for your request and I hope you think it over a little more before you request money for useless ideas to avoid or at least protect yourself from further humiliation.

Have fun banging your mom, as I'm sure the kangaroo would naturally love gay opossum sperm!

Your friend and President,
Adam

First things First

2005-05-10T21:41:00.000-04:00

Shut the fuck up. I’m writing a post right now but I realized I shouldn’t finish it until I discuss the caption contest. We had a discrepancy in the scoring as to who should have won and who our favorites were. You see, since I am the one with the money to buy the pies, my brother doesn’t actually have any say in who actually wins. Now, I’ve come to a decision that you’ll just have to deal with. Because of Emptymans Wade Boggs comment, he should have just walked away with the pies. That’s the running joke around here, that he looks like Wade Boggs, so it’s just too ironic and absolutely ridiculous to look that caption over. My problem is, Strykeforce didn’t exactly say the Boggs comment, but got across the character of the individual in that picture, just a little more eloquently than he would have actually said it. On top of that, the Dhalsim comment was fucking brutal. I had two options on how to get an absolute winner, and those were either posting one more picture and have a “sudden death caption-off”, but I have the feeling you guys would have assumed I was just drawing the contest out even longer just to procrastinate more. My second option was to flip a coin.

So emptyman won, which I feel bad about because I would have liked to see a sudden death round, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles, unless of course enough people feel like vetoing my decision and dragging this on. I’ll be doing another one very soon anyway because I just found some absolutely awesome pictures. So emptyman, congratulations on your lucky coin toss result, and feel free to send me your mailing address via the email link on the side there…yeah…..no no, too high….lower…..lower, yeah that one. Gimme your address and ill ship them out pronto. You can trust me too, because even though I apparently support rape, it doesn’t mean I will actually go to your house and commit it.

Libhater Caption Contest

2005-04-07T18:45:00.000-04:00

Yes yes, we suck. We‘ve had too much shit going on in the past month and we never really got around to giving a shit about this site. Fortunately, we actually have a bunch of drafts of posts that need only need a small amount of revision, and then we‘ll get back on the ball. In order to make up for the wait. I bring to you now, the first ever “Libhater Caption Contest”

The rules are simple. We post four (4) pictures. Your job is to create a caption for each of the four pictures. Don’t fuck it up. Only make one post please. We will grade via point system (1-5) on three things: your captions immediate appeal, lasting appeal, and since there’s 4 pictures, consistent humor. so if you at least try, scores won't be any less than 4, and no more than 20. you get it. Don’t post captions like you know us either. The contest will end on April 22nd. How can we reward someone for doing something so great? Well this is where the real dilemma came in, but I definitely found the best prize ever.

I wanted to do something American, something everyone could enjoy, and most importantly, something I could mail to the other side of the country if need be. So I sat down and thought long and hard and came up with the following, being the 4 most American things, ever: Baseball, Indians, Apple Pie, and McDonalds. Fuck you if you think I’m wrong. Each thing is great in it’s own right, but I needed to kick it up a notch. In order to do this, I used the spare room in my basement and built a combination lab, right next to the analogy lab.

The theory was simple enough, in which I combine 2 or more things into one in order to maximize the proficiency of the product, but carrying out the procedures turned out to be quite a horrific task. My first experiment was trying to combine the Indian, the Baseball and the apple pie.

The result was a baseball and apple-filled pie, in which the Indian would take it to your house and partake of the pie with you. To see if this would work, I sat down with him and allowed him to test the first bite.

The second he started to carve, an absolute rocket of a fast ball shot out of the pie and he got fucked right in the face. Disgusted, Tatanka went home.

With one of my four American items gone, and the baseball apple pie being more dangerous than tasty, I only had two more options left, starting with the McDonalds and the baseball.

Awwww, fucking adorable. I think I added too much steroids into the tincture and not only did it shrink the players head and balls, it shrank his whole body. If you notice, he’s still not too small to eat a whole sausage gravy and biscuit meal. I was sold during this experiment due to the absolute cuteness, but it hit me; if a lib won this contest they wouldn’t claim the prize, or they’d try to abort it before it got to their door. Back to the lab.

With the baby left over, I combined him, the apple pie, and McDonalds, and got this:

A baby sized Mcdonalds apple pie...I rushed right out to McDonalds to show them what I’ve created and apparently they already make these by the ton, but at least I now know where they come from.

Not only is the winner going to receive a McDonalds apple pie, but I will go and buy as many as it takes to fill up a 5 gallon pail, and then empty them into a similar sized box to be shipped out. What’s even better, if you live in Poland, and you win, the pies will still be good by the time they arrive at your door. These things never go bad. I found one under the seat of my car while I was looking for my wallet. It must’ve been there for like a week and a half, easy. I threw it in the microwave when I got home and it tasted better if not as good as the born on date.

If you don’t like McDonalds apple pies, then you don’t like America. You don’t have to even eat them, I’ll throw a picture up here of the victor doing creative things with their spoils if they can’t put down 100 apple pies fast enough.

There are no runner up prizes, because in real life, not everyone is a winner.

Good Luck

::Insert Cute Italian Phrase Here::

2005-03-14T20:31:00.000-05:00

So incase no one had any idea, I had the opportunity to visit Italy for a bit last week. Fortunately, the day I touched ground, that dude got blasted in Iraq so it gives me more shit to talk about. If you don’t know the story, you can read it here
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,150248,00.html
I won’t repeat it for you, and if you don’t care to check into, just continue on. Otherwise, we can learn a few important things:

1) If you knew anything about Italian drivers and driving conditions, this would not be any surprise to you whatsoever. I‘ll touch on this later, but we can basically learn that it‘s a good to understand things like stop signs, and other similar traffic protectors like traffic lights, crossing guards and check point armored vehicles.

2)If you have information someone should know, the sooner you get it to them…the better.

3)If a tank flashes some lights at you while you’re no doing anything wrong, you might want to stop.

4)If a tank shoots shit in front of you while you’re not doing anything wrong, you might want to stop.

5)If assholes don’t follow the rules, blow the shit out of them.

Stop or we'll shoot

Front page after the Iraq elections. I can assure you that caption does not say "Oh shit, the terrorists won."

“Italy” you might be asking your uneducated self, “Where the fuck is that“? That’s a good question. I couldn’t give you specific latitude or longitudes, but it’s usually on the right side of a map in that Europey place and is always colored in green. It has a 6 hour time difference and takes 8 and a half hours to fly to from the east coast. If you’re having problems finding it by name, I think they call it wussville or poopypants land too.

Oooooooh, Ahhhhhh

Now, I know it’s in my assholish nature to automatically start shitting on something, but in all fairness it’s wasn’t that terrible. Although, in fairness to my sanity, I’m going to shit on it anyway, just not that bad. I’d like to point something out before I get too into this that seems to be the best example of going there. Everyone and their mom would usually freak their shit about going to Italy because of the scenery, the food, the culture, all that stuff. That’s cool, but it’s not Disney Land cool. It’s cool cause it’s different. If you were into just the food and the scenery you might as well visit the Italy portion of your local Busch Gardens. Italy is no amusement park. For some reason Italy gets perceived as that, but there’s too much walking and the “cool” stuff to see like the buildings or art or certain landscapes are so few and far between that you just get super aggravated by the time you get to your destination. It’s cool cause it’s different.

What I’m going to do is make a list of the cool things to crappy things, in that order, followed by some form of conclusion. Don’t assume because of the title of this post that I’m going to be a hateful ogre-twat, even if that would be a fair assumption. Let me give you a few pieces of information about this place. Not like “Italy has a population of 58 million”, or average rain fall or anything. More like “this is how the typical day goes down”. I’m going to dumb it down big time here and for the remainder of the post and refrain from using the Italian terms like “siesta” and just replace them with “nap time” unless otherwise noted. I hit 5 or 6 towns in over a week so I know everything about Italy, ever, so shut the fuck up.

Oh yeah and I think one more thing I forgot to say. Italian is pretty much exactly like English. There’s 3 basic rules to follow.
1) They have the same amount of letters in their alphabet as we do
2) They don’t really use the letter Y to start any words, and
3) A lot of their words are the same as ours they just put a vowel on the end of all their nouns and verbs.
Now just say everything with an accent like you’re really angry and slightly retarded, and that’s 80% of their language. I just saved you 4 semesters of school. Congratulations, you can speak Italian.

So a typical day as a 20 or 30 something is as follows:
You’re not in school anymore so you probably wake up around 10am., or you are working, so you are probably working till about 5ish. Lets say you have no money, school, or job to attend (*) so you bum some money off your parents and run down to the bar -yes bar, ill interpret in a sec- for a croissant and a coffee-whatever-foam-thingy. Now if your over 16, grab some smokes and it doesn’t even seem like there’s a drinking age there so throw some coffee brandy down and have a seat outside and watch the traffic for a few hours. Once 12 rolls around, you might as well go get some food. If you have any money left over from your mom, you might go to a restaurant, but chances are you’ll just go home since the home cooking tastes the same as any place you go out to.

(*) there’s no room to cram any more shitty jobs anywhere, and everything is fucking expensive as hell. On top of that, with the exception of the fuck load of farm land, most places by law aren’t allowed to be open more than 35-40 hours a week so generating more revenue for businesses and increasing job growth, more labor and income for people is completely out of the question. Horray for European free enterprise. The typical kid finishes school around 18 years of age, and they take tests for the next 12 years, or whenever they get off their ass to study and take them. That‘s kind of their college. Because of this, kid‘s live with their parents for-fucking-ever since they can‘t make it on their own. So what else are you going to do if you have no job and no school except for sleep in all day and then go annoy the tourists? Fortunately for them, just cause your 30 in Italy makes you a mother-fucking genius and a huge chunk of their jobs are distributed by seniority, so just fuck off your first 30 years and then toughen up for a month just so you can finally get a job. The GOOD side about this, is your considered a failure if you‘re a woman and never married, so the guys get to fuck off till their 30 living at their moms house, then get married, just to have their wife wipe their ass for them.

During lunch, or actually every meal, eat like a mother fucking bastard and then…take a nap. If you have a business like a restaurant, wait till the last prick leaves and then shut the fuck down. If you have a small clothes shop, shut the fuck down. If you’re the biggest super market in town, shut the fuck down. It’s mother-fucking nap time. There might be a few things still open like a Bar or a guy or two wandering the streets, but other than that the whole country is a wasteland, tumbleweeds and all. Oh yeah, bars are awesome. They have pubs, like our bars, and bars, which are like nothing we have... And there’s at least 20 in every town. Bars have smokes, some gum or candy, coffee maybe, possibly a few pastries, and a wall full of booze. Pretty much it’s a pit stop but you don’t own a car. Take a shot of whatever, grab a cookie and get the F out.

Okay so you wake up from your nap. If you own a business, you might open back up…but it’s pretty much whenever you feel like it. The landscape is littered with those little twister hanging window clocks that say “will return at” but where you set the time the hands are just busted off, or spun and stopped on something like 3 am. The big towns are usually hoppin at about 6 pm, and most places to eat at 7. People running the streets, bouncing in and out of shops, nut to butt traffic, pretty lively. So you grab something to eat while you’re out, or again go home and eat like a bastard. Now this is the moment of truth. The news is at 8. There’s no 6 o’clock news, and no 11 o’clock news, just one at 8. That’s cool. I would just assume they’d be right to the point with local then national news. Now if you’re out, you might be some of the small percentage that just stays out and gets their shit done, otherwise you’re at home, or at a restaurant/pub that’s got a TV.

Let me explain the news to you real quick. Starts at 8. World news, no local. A few topics on the pope, and then talk about everyone else in the world. The pope in Rome and how he’s not pooping in his sleep is the only local news they got. There’s 60 million people there, and none of them make enough of an impact to even make the news casters sneeze at. The rest of the cast isn’t even good coverage. They touch on the war as if it we’re touchy. They talk about the 2 inches of snow in Germany, but not the guy who ran over three pedestrians and ran from the cops in Naples. How can we take any of these bastards seriously when they can’t even take themselves seriously? The news ends at 8:30...excuse me, after 12 pm it goes into 13...14...15 etc. which I’m all in favor for. but for your sake, 8:30 the news ends and it’s a point/counter point. 2 hot chicks sit on opposite couches being pretty basic in their arguments. This goes on for about 10 or 15 minutes when all of a sudden, the fucking show ends…10 seconds of black, and everyone holds their breath for the Italian version of “The Weakest Link”.

When is the next unveiling of the monuments in Spain for the victims of that bus bombing?

Who’s gonna win 750,000 euro today?

This questions pretty easy, you sure you want to use one of your life lines?

These fuckers who run home in time aren’t even in for the news! They’re in cause they wanted to get back early so they don’t miss the fucking commercials before their game show. It’s like 5 minutes of actual news, 40 minutes of fluff, and 3 hours of game shows until soft core porn comes on at like midnight. Judas. Well since everyone is home jerking off to “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”, you might as well close shop and head home to jerk off too. Get 13 hours of sleep and prepare for another day of absolute devotion to existing and your proficiency in jack shit.

Now for the details within the day, from best shit to worst:

3 wheeled trucks -

LOFL

LOFL.

Kid’s actually used these to pick up their dates, after their dad hauled 40 cubic feet of dirt in 19 trips. It only goes like 25 mph and stops traffic everywhere. But man it’s like a parade every time I see one. LOFL.

Assiago cheese - If the moon were actually made of cheese, it would be assiago. We have it here, but they make a lot of their shit from goats and buffalos. It’s un-believable. If God himself shat cheese, it would be assiago.

Chisel point - If you don’t know what this is, then I might as well hold off for another post or leave it to my brother to explain. Otherwise, it doesn’t exist there. It could have been the cheese, or the air, but definitely not the water. It must be against the law or some shit but it’s so unnatural with just getting over the flu, with that amount of walking and that amount of eating…that it would just not exist. Bizarre.

Road signs - Do they actually have anything to do with the road? There’s fucked up signs everywhere, on boats, in hallways, and it seems none of them apply to anything that’s going on in the area. Fortunately I got to use my prime translating skills and other keen observation techniques to decipher the meanings.

Incase of enormous boner, run directly into nearest rectangle

Incase of enormous boner, go directly downstairs

Keep walking it off

If families are found smuggling in more families inside themselves, they will be ran at from all directions.

LOFL, this was on the train so I'm assuming you should face the door to prevent getting sucked out backwards

No stepping through red circles

Stepping through red circles is permitted here
please note the traffic chaos

Italy makes it simple for you to get a whole range of diseases. 2 seconds after I snapped this another 3 wheeled truck drove by. It could have been the best picture ever taken.

Places to eat - I also touched on this earlier. Eating out is the same as eating in. The same applies to going to restaurants. That was in bad taste, I’m sorry. No, seriously, the restaurants are run by families who cook just as well as the people upstairs form them. This, of course, does not detract from the greatness of their food. It is very good and there are a lot of choices, you just won’t see as many locals out to eat as much as someone from out of town, unless it’s a large gathering.

Oh, ::burp:: Jesus

“Mezzo litro, vino rosa de la casa, grazie” - translates to “Half liter, wine of the house, thanks”. Fuck yeah. That’s all you really need to know. House wine rocks. It’s a gamble everywhere you go. It’s either right out of some shitty store bought bottling plant, or it could have come from the owners 12 hot virgin daughters, who slept and bathed in them, and licked each grape clean only to roll naked in them and bottle the wine using the butt-cheek to butt-cheek filling technique. Either way there’s something about house wine that makes you that much more loopy half way through the night. It also makes you incredibly sleepy.

Hey Adam! What's crappenin? I take requests!

This guy -

LOL, this translates to “A better country…Now there is.” Every time I walked by it I kept thinking it really said “Vote for me…Motherfucker”.

The great thing is it’s WAY easier to distinguish the two parties.
This is awfully reminiscent of our election. These two posters were everywhere and I’m sure they’ll make the right decision.

Alright this is like borderline now:

WTF? -

The 6 legged fire breathing spike monster means gas up here. Yeah I know we got the Michelin man, but this thing is a staple in every town.

Bar on every corner - I already touched on this but it’s tit. At my bar, 4 shots of Jaegermiester is 12 bucks. Here, they put two shots in each glass and charge you 4 euro, which is like $5.50 here. The exchange rate bounces but to keep my money straight I just said 1 euro = $1.40. 8 euro and you get twice as much Jaeger at 1 in the afternoon. No wonder I was fucked by 3...everyday. Slight downside is all their beer tasted like PBR. Italians are definitely not known for their beer. Not that I hate PBR, but it’s one of those beers you don’t start with, you end with cause it tastes like everything else you’ve been drinking or even your own vomit.

Cheese 3 times a day - God damn it I love assiago but they unfortunately don’t make everything with it. Give it a rest guys. You eat cheese filled or cheese sauced everything. Or just walk around with bricks of cheese in your hand. Just thinking of those little triangular wedges they have in supermarkets they try to give you to take by the bucket-full makes me shit myself.

1 ways going both directions -

Incase you're wondering, theres no traffic lights and I doubt that van has two tail lights out.
Try braking. I was really hoping to see some tit cars like some old romeo’s or a few Ferraris dotted across the landscape or…fuck anything classic. All they have are Ford fiestas, VW rabbits, and all their compact Fiats/Opels/Citrons/Renaults…which are our Civics and Neons. Problem is, all their cars are banged to shit cause of the small streets. Shitty drivers and shitty streets make shitty looking cars. I’d be scared to take out my nice car too if it were anything like this:

Swift

LOL, hope your kid wasn't in the back seat

I mean, seriously, who needs to look behind them anyway?

Italian chicks/guys - All Italian chicks are funny shaped. They’re not fat, they’re just wide. It’s like they only gain weight sideways. And if you are fat, it bunches up in your Italian stomach and you can’t tell if they’re pregnant or a fatso. And all Italian guys have one eyebrow and hate everyone. They always have facial hair they always missed, or shave it before they go to bed so it grows back by morning. All Italians have black hair, before they dye it, bald or turn gray. I still don’t know if the guys hair is naturally greasy or not. Italian guys are mostly pussies. If there are 3 or more in a group, and a girl walks by, they’ll cat call and woo and annoy…possibly even stalk. If a guy is with that girl, instead the group stares at the wall or at the floor and quietly talk among themselves. It’s impossible to start a fight with an Italian because all there insults are mumbled under their breath and their physical pushing wont actually involve you…they’ll take out their frustration on one of your inanimate objects like pushing your backpack along the floor or pushing your pocket book with their ass if it’s too close to them on the bus. Wooooh, way to show me. I am the asshole of all observation.

McDonalds - WTF. This is supposed to be the American embassy if not a place to get my digestive system reset to normal. I’m walking down the street to get to the airport at like 5:30 am and saw a McDonalds down the road. I was like “shit, ours open up no later than 6 back home, worse case I’ll wait a half an hour for them to” This shit didn’t open till like 9. WTF. I need a god damn sausage-egg-and-cheese-biscuit and the owner wont show up till 9...if he feels like it. Fuck those guys. That’s the only reason I really hate it, because of the hours. I went to another one just to see if it was similar to ours, and it is. They just open later and take a nap halfway through the day.

No Sunkist - In fact, they only have a few types, mainly Coke, A little Pepsi, Sprite, and Fanta. I love Fanta. Not as much as Sunkist because Fanta has no caffeine, but it’s got a fine fine orangey taste. Little known fact: Adam drinks a Sunkist every morning. He enjoys the caffeine alternative from coffee and loves the taste but dislikes the pick-me-up power of orange juice.

Bidets - Pronounced “Bid-day”, also known as “the other toilet” I was at a hostel (hotel for travelers) and ran into an American guy from Oklahoma and shot the shit with him for a good 3 hours. 2 hours in we started joking about the bidets in all the rooms and he asked me if I tried it and I said I was too scared. Like a first gay experience, I was way to concerned with the pain and the awkwardness afterwards to really know if I’d enjoy it or not. He said I should give it a shot so I did. If you’re confused as to what it is, it looks like this:

You see, to me it looks like a weirder toilet, so I stare at it and say to myself “Well Adam, there’s really no big enough hole to crap in, and I’d feel weird peeing in it then trying to maneuver the faucet part around to wash it out”. I soon realized its pretty much a big roll of wet toilet paper. You just scooch down and balance yourself while it washes your nether regions. Harmless enough I suppose but I’d rather just take a shower and try to do that because at least you have a shower curtain in the way and you wont feel stupid with someone walking in on you while your trying to balance your anus in front of that spout. So I tried it and it totally blasted my ball sack clean off. Now I’m just wiener. Thanks guys.

I like my toilets like this, but why does it look like train tracks where the water should be?

Pussy metric system - Oh, big fucking deal, I can count to 1000 too. Grow some balls with your fucking math. A pound? 16 ounces. Fuck yeah. Where’s the pattern there dildo. I know the origin of all this stuff but seriously, metric is like the food stamps of the math world. You don’t even need to work to get results, they’re just practically handed to you. A meter is such an unnatural measurement and they label everything in walking directions like that too. “20 meters up a hill and to your right” 20 meters? That’s nothing like, or even close to a stride, or an arm-span, or any of that. That’s like measuring the liquids in your cooking with mouthfuls.

So all in all, Italy is a great place to visit. Nice sunsets, food and spirits…nice cause it’s different remember? But How can we sum up Italy as a country? I’ll recap the bolded comments above if you didn’t get the subtle hints in the first place:

They don’t care about you: They’re constantly pissed at tourists, even if we do help their economy to an unfathomable amount, They purposely talk fast or change to English even if you’re trying to show you have an interest in the language. They put Bidets in bathrooms.
They don’t care about themselves: Who lets there kids smoke at 16? Shitty business techniques shows a shitty economy.
They don’t care about anything important: Shut the fuck up, my show just started.

Pretty....mmmmm....

Awwww, cooooool....

Neatooooo....

LOFL!!!

Please visit, but if you willingly live there I’ll make fun of you.

Also I’d like to inform you that we will be doing a new secret contest in a few days, so feel free to post what would be a decent prize for the winner in this entry, like “not getting shit on for a week” or like, throwing up a winning contestants essay or some shit.

WHAT THE FUCK!?

2005-03-03T11:53:00.001-05:00

We're on hiuatus until the weekend of the 12th.

Adam has to go to Italy for a week to do some overseas journalism.

I have to spend the week with my attourney, gearing up for a problem with someone who wants to ruin my life. The person is being pretty successful thusfar.

We'll be back with our inflammatory remarks as soon as he gets back and as soon as I can concentrate on one thing for more than 30 seconds.

I'm Back, but...

2005-02-22T23:49:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be doing some overseas journalism in a week/for a week so I'll have to leave again soon :(

I’m just going to jump right into this because I’ve had way too much time to get aggravated and no one to tell me how right I am for it. This Post is just more or less shortened versions of 4 or 5 entries, and enough pictures to keep your attention. First off, I had my first abortion! It was great! She didn’t want the kid at all so I tried doing every possible circumstance a guy would do in this situation. This included crying a lot because I didn’t think I was ready, driving off and not calling for a week, researching back alley fees as well as costs to a doctor, dropkicking her in the stomach, and pushing her down a flight of stairs. When everything was said and done, we both felt that spending 400 bucks and a few weeks of hell was much better then not giving into temptation in the first place. Libs: caring for kids, as long as they’re not born.

Take this bastard back

Second, because I couldn’t add posts or entries, I’d like to give props to jesse for continuing the liberal beat down. I suppose reading these past entries, I need to add a few things:
1) If jesse and I were gay, and not brothers, and had a kid, it would be this site. The site is fucked up enough as it is so you could only imagine the ridiculous colossal bastard that would be the product of our upbringing. It would rip trees out of the ground and derail trains and only stop to sleep and shit.

2) This whole “doing it because it feels right” is absolute nonsense. I don’t think there’s anything in the constitution about not making fun of people because hurt their feelings. I don‘t even think that shit was written based on “feelings”. This is why women shouldn’t vote, but don’t bother posting comments on that quote, we’ll get to that soon enough. If you must be gay in public, do it where I can’t see you. We’re fucking surrounded on all sides as it is: We gave you California, as well as I think the most eastern point in America. I accidentally went there and stayed overnight while on a road trip with a girly and I never knew gay folks were so hateful. I could fill up a whole 4 pages on how being there proved gayness is a mental malfunction. For fucks sake it can’t even be hereditary due to that whole “can’t procreate with two of the same sex” thing, so how can you be born with it? It’s a hard concept to understand, I know.
3) Considering the small amount of comments on jesses lack of taking responsibility post, as well as mine on jobs, I’m pretty sure we’re all on the same wavelength. Now get a job.

So anyway, A few nights a week I wait tables. There’s not a whole lot of exciting things that happen, or even really that many odd people that come in to eat, but some seriously fucked up shit happened to me a few weeks ago and I just realized that I was a victim of racism.

A white, probably Florida-bound retired couple and a late 20’s well groomed yet ridiculously hirsute…I dunno, Arabian guy came in to grab a bite to eat. I already knew this was trouble from the second I took the table just cause of the glare they were giving me. It wasn’t the good “staring at your enormous package” glare, it was more like the “caught masturbating” kind. Now, let me set the premise here. All three of these guys had blue circle shit on their foreheads. No it wasn’t ash Wednesday where they smear that black shit on them, it was way before that. It was more like a Rorschach test that resembled a spaghetti-o. I seat them and ask them for their drinks, and being the observant son-of-a-bitch that I am, kept staring at their foreheads. At this point, the coffee colored uni-browed guy said “are you staring at our foreheads”?

Now let me take a time out here. Before I opened my mouth, I thought of this whole guys best case life scenario in about 3 seconds. The seniors at the time probably had troubles having a kid, and fortunately, they adopted this thankfully non-aborted kid in where he was taken from a poverty stricken area a decade or so ago. This kid was given the opportunity to grow up and go to school, become successful, and then crap on America. I’d put money on my assumption. And…go…

Me: “you bet I am”
Mr. Brown: “why?”
Me: “well, you have something on it”
Cobra Charmer: “I don’t see why you‘re so curious.”
Me: “I’m actually worried, did you guys all fall on the same soda can out in the parking lot? Should I get my manager? A doctor?”
Aladdin: “I’ve been ridiculed my whole life, your insults don’t harm me”
Me: “I’m being serious, is there something I should know?”
Sand Nig: “You should know to treat everyone with the same type of respect”
Me: ::snapped:: “…There’s some shit on your forehead.”

I pretty much knew where this was going, and that all chances of having a decent conversation or even a pizza-for-money scandal were nixed from the plan. The next 5 or 10 minutes were spent with him explaining how his god-parents had just accompanied him to some sort of 29 year old religious circumcision or some shit. I don’t know if the circle was a stamp made from the fabled foreskin to forehead ritual, it was all lost on me. Anyway, for the remainder of the evening I went about my business as usual.

I’d also like to point out the fact they didn’t tip me on their way out, so I have no choice but to assume that was a hate crime. The greatest part about this was how misunderstood he was in the fact that I didn’t know what was on his god damn head, and how he thought I already knew it was a culture thing.

The racial insults weren’t going through my head at the time, but they are in there now since I realized how much a bumbling dunderfuck that guy was. Like I should fucking know everything about foreskin prints. Why is it my fault that he has a permanent 5 o’clock shadow? It didn’t even cross my mind his magic carpet broke down on the way there, or how he used to have to shovel camel shit 50 hours a day, or how he dug up a nuke in his backyard, or ANY of that shit that he apparently thought I was thinking.

I saw three people,
with shit
on their motherfucking foreheads.

Come back with my tip asshole

I like how every case of racism I’ve heard in the past 5 years is all a product of causing their own damn problem. I never understood why oh say, moving to a place where you know races don’t intertwine, just to do a bunch of preaching and acts of “stamping your foot real hard” in the area. For fucks sake you don’t see me going to Compton to tell them to cut the shit. Isn’t bringing attention to the situation…acknowledging the fact someone doesn’t like another dudes color a racist act in itself? I never considered myself a racist guy, and sure, I dream just like every white guy to some day stroll through Harlem without getting shot, but in reality, they have just as much of a right to not like white guys as you do to complain about it. Reverse racism is awesome.

I guess you want to be made fun of?

So I went to a concert in Boston the other night with a friend of mine, and had a great time. The music and crowd wasn’t exactly my type of click, but with a few a Bullmiesters I got over it easy enough. There was one part of the show, where for 20 minutes I wrote this whole post up in my head, from seeing someone who looked a lot like this:

What the fuck is the position you’re trying to take?

Dressing like this and trying to state your point is like a rock climber who’s missing both their arms. You might make it to the top using your teeth and legs, but it’ll take too long and people are going to laugh at you the whole time.

he's our assistant in the lab too

And that was just the bassist. The real headache came from this fat bitch of a lead singer who was on some rant about how TV told her we went to fight in some unjust war or some other cliché bull shit. You see, what would really happen in this situation, is you’d stop playing to say something semi-profound, and we’d go up and bust you in the head with a bar stool.

Thanks for coming on stage

In this place, I can’t because they would've either, A) run away, or B) hire a lawyer. Its just becomes the salt rubbed in the wound from driving 150 miles, pay 30 bucks for gas and tolls, and then pay for a ticket just to hear an opening no name band go off about some kid you don’t even know got hit by a tank.

You don’t know these 3 guys in the pajamas either, but I guess you can feel bad for them too

Plus the chick singing was fat, but thought she was hot. I don’t care what anyone says about being able to bang a fat chick because you feel emotionally comfortable with them. That shit doesn’t work, I‘ve tried. I’m not being insensitive, I’m being realistic. It’s just like a guy in a wheel chair that’s trying to get into the grocery store but there’s no wheel chair ramp. He’s not going to wait out in the god damn parking lot for them to build one, He’ll just go take his business elsewhere. On the other hand, if he does try, he’ll gimp along trying to climb in and he’ll just feel like an idiot for it later. Plus your friends will give you that whole awkward “aw man, I can‘t believe you did that” thing.

analogy amplifier

I suppose freedom of speech is on my side, just like the chick who looks like butt. I swear to god half of those young lib dildos were there too. I just feel bad for those poor 16 year olds in the crowd who can’t even vote, or form a logical opinion, that cheer just for the sheer fact that the guys on stage said the same thing about bush that puhdiddy said on MTV the other day.

"Is this thing on?…Attention Younglibs: find out what the economy is before talking, thank you."

Which brings me to my next question.
A day off for voting? Are you retarded? YOU HAVE 3 ½ FUCKING YEARS to prepare for an election! I’m sure if you start your job at starbucks next month, you can request off 3 ½ years in advance. They probably won’t give you a hard time. And if they do, YOU HAVE 3 ½ FUCKING YEARS to find a job that will let you if it’s that important to you. For Christ’s sake, if everyone at least tried that, the people who couldn’t get off for work will have no lines by the time they get do show up. And in the rare circumstance that there’s that guy who works 20 hours a day and no polls are open before or after work, well that’s his own damn fault. PLUS, if he’s working that much, he probably knows a thing or two about responsibility, so he’ll probably vote republican anyway. You shouldn’t make too much racket, it’ll fuck you over. Isn’t there some kind of absentee ballot or some shit too? They make it sound as if waiting in line for a few hours to vote is a new disease they need to cure. Three Cheers for patience. A day off from voting...Judas.

LOFL, you lost cause no one could show up
not because you were too cool to wear a helmet.

And to anyone who didn’t know, I got that lump out of the top of my head. Apparently it was some kinda cyst. Gross I know, but the ironic thing it was exactly the same shape as a tiny brain, so all those jokes you guys made about the bump actually being my brain, turned out to be pretty funny.
I got more but I’ll leave it at that for now.

GAY PEOPLE v. UGLY PEOPLE

2005-02-20T10:01:00.000-05:00

This is a simple concept, and it baffles me that liberals refuse to consider the obvious. There is one major reason why same-sex couples will never be able to reach the legal status of conventional heterosexual marriages and rights. And the reason is not discrimination, bub. Brace yourself, because I am not speaking my opinion here, I'm speaking for over half the population of the United States:

A huge section of the world is physically repulsed by the sight of most gay sex. I'm serious. There's a reason why young kids on the playgrounds of America call each other 'fags' and 'gay' when they want to insult. When you're a kid, being called a fag is worse than being called retarded and ugly. What's the reason? Because with the overwhelming majority of the population, homosexual activity is something nauseating. Who wants to see two guys kissing?

It's hard to celebrate their diversity when 2/3 of the people who just saw that felt the coppery taste of bile in their throats. Now here's the rub:

Liberals (D'OH!) are trying to make you feel guilty if you can't stand the sight of gay activity. Nevermind that it is your natural reaction to be repulsed, because it is you that has the problem with tolerance. Moreover, they invent the issue of 'gay discrimination' to further their covert operation of sucking up to any minorities they can. (Liberals can't get a majority on their side for obvious reasons, so they race around to collect tons of minority groups, a situation that always backfires.) Look. I can see making a case for discriminating against race and gender. Those items are related to 'being' rather that 'doing'. If I'm black and you don't let me marry another black, you better believe there's going to be problems. If I'm a girl and you don't let me be a fireman, you're going to have a problem. But if I like to take a crap in the snack aisle of the 7-11, you can bet they will take my application and tell me to go fuck myself. Why? Because some actions are not accepted to most of the public. It's just the way it is. I suppose I could get Johnny Cochran on the case, and sue for 'freedom of fecal expression', but chances are, I'll look pretty gay.

Under the topic of 'generally considered repulsive' is the state of being hideously ugly. We've all seen people that are physically fucked up. My peeve happens to be people with no legs. I have a problem with looking at them straight on. But guess what. That's my fucking problem. They are repulsing me by 'being'. That's something they can't help, and besides, they would change that if they could. Gay guys making out in public might repulse me, along with most other people. But that is their problem, they're repulsing with 'doing'. BIG DIFFERENCE. They can help that, and I'm guessing they don't care to.

Hey, I have sex with trees, and Adam likes jerking off in church. Don't discriminate against us. There's something unsettling about doing things that disgust most of the population and then bitching that people can't accept them. Being gay is not being, it's doing. See fig. 1.

fig. 1.
BEING:
black guy
old guy
dumb guy
Jewish guy
guy

DOING:
gay guy
-----------------------------------------------

Finally, I'd like to say that pretty girls making out is a totally different matter, which I will address in the future. Most everyone seems to accept them. It's a complex issue, and I need to research it further before I post about it.

I'll leave you on a positive note.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: Adam has been on leave for a few weeks if you haven't noticed. He's been busy building himself a house. He'll be back to infuriate you this week.

IF YOUR PARENTS ARE DIVORCED CHANCES ARE YOU ARE A EMOTIONALLY WHACKED, BUT IF YOUR PARENTS ARE THE SAME SEX YOU'RE PROBABLY MENTALLY DISABLED

2005-02-15T08:39:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've been down in my basement working in the Analogy Lab, so I thought I'd tinker around with the beakers and test tubes last night. I started out looking for an analogical cure for cancer, but I got sidetracked and found out some strange links to x-ray vision instead. Here are some of my findings:

When you are the 'child' of a gay household, you end up being some sort of a retard with super powers. (I know being a legitimate offspring of gay parents is impossible, but humor me here).

The reason traditional marriage works well is that it is designed to give children a balance of two approaches without a specific overpowering of either one. From the father, the child receives lessons and understanding on the science of logic. From the mother, the child receives lessons and understanding on the art of emotion. Neither aspect is intended to dominate, but instead instill a balanced approach to life with both tools equally at the disposal. Both logic and emotion have extremely vital roles and qualities, though with too much of one and not enough of the other, the risk of catastrophe increases greatly.

ANALOGY:
Let emotionalism = hearing
Let logicality = vision

Let's say subject A has two moms in the same household raising him. Subject A has little to no male-encouraged training in the 'home setting'. However, Subject A gets a double dose of the female perspective of life skills. Now substitute the variables. Subject A now has supersonic hearing, but is blind as a bat. Now put the subject in an out-of-the-home atmosphere: sure, he now can hear the conversations of people from several hundred miles away, but it doesn't do him much good since he walks into trees and walls all day.

Subject B has two dads (work with me here; I swear this exists). Subject B gets super-sharp attributes to incorporate logic in his/her decision making, but none of the heart or passion for life. Substitute variables. Subject B now ends up being able to see through walls and count the stitches on a fastball, but now can't hear a smoke detector or a bus bearing down on him as he crosses the road.

What gives? Why do parents who selfishly need to indulge their sexual appetites in the name of 'freedom' have to sacrifice the proper upbringing of a child? Fucking Liberals, always putting their whims ahead of the well-adjustment of children. But hey, better to bring kids up in a dynamically bizarre setting than to kill them off before birth, I guess. Here's to progress.

That reminds me:

Does anyone else remember this show? WTF!? There was a reason why they made it a comedy!

So my hypotheses was that 'having two same sex parents would really fuck a person up', and I was right.

HAVING A DIVORCE? DON'T FORGET TO EMOTIONALLY SCAR YOUR KIDS IN THE PROCESS.

Why bother saying 'til death do us part'. If you are willing to lie from the beginning to your spouse, you are a scumbag. What's with all the self-centeredness all over the place? Methinks it's a liberal-perpetuated situation.

What's so tough about it? Just tell them that you lack integrity and that their wellbeing is last on your priority list. Besides, go on dates and bring new guys home all time. It will take your mind off the guilt, if you even have any.

"But Jesse, you have never been married, so you don't know how hard it is. Being married is extremely difficult."
Well then I guess that makes my parents Fucking Rock Gods then. Adam may correct me, but they've been married probably 33 years or so. Trust me, if they can do it, anyone can... unless you are a lazy liberal.
Most of my friends have their biological parents still married. They are all basically well adjusted folks. But the friends I have that have lived through their parents divorcing are profoundly fucked up, because the joke turned out to be on them.

So to people that are raising children in a household of same-sex parents:
Here's to you. You're doing an outstanding job keeping your kids from being well-rounded.
To the people who have subjected your kids to a divorce:
Nice job, you've traumatized them.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

LIBERALS: THE MASTERS OF AVOIDING ACCOUNTABILITY

2005-02-08T17:33:00.000-05:00

You know what else heavily sucks about Liberals? It's bad enough for the fact that they choose to avoid all personal responsibility on every level... What is worse is that they encourage the public around them to think that achieving a self-sufficient lifestyle is impossible to accomplish on their own. Fucking Liberals, they've been getting away with insulting the public's intelligence for years.

You might as well just rot there, I don't see any democrats around-so I guess you're fucked.

See, Liberals want us to believe that we need them, while in actuality, we don't. They would cease to exist as we know them if the 'I can't take care of myself' mentality that they force on the public was not their main propaganda. By doing this, the liberals impose and enforce a 'can't do' attitude on the gullible public, and this fosters laziness and a general false resentment against conservatives. Liberals want you to think that conservatives and libertarians are against the well being of the population, when it's just the opposite. We just don't think the thousands of federal and state programs compromising the 'liberal safety net' is a good way to motivate you do do well for yourself, and chiefly on your own. We know you can do it, but they don't want YOU to know it- because it would put them out of business forever. I'll put it into perspective, with emphasis on the Liberal Lack of Personal Responsibility. Here are quotes you will hear INSIDE a liberal mind:

"Just because I fail to discipline my son and take an active approach to teaching him has nothing to do with his total lack of interest and concentration at school. And he couldn't possibly just be slower than the rest of his class, no, he obviously is afflicted with [insert mental disorder of the month]."
That's right, your son acts like a fucking idiot at school and fails every class because he has ADHD, it couldn't possibly be because he doesn't work hard. I wish we had 'Attention Deficit Disorders' when I was in school, I could have played a lot more Nintendo instead of having homework and chores.

Better that they're happy than smart, I guess.

"Goddamn it, that was great sex. I hope I don't get inconvenienced with being pregnant, or I'll have to kill someone."
Right again, it's better that you're happy than responsible. Plus that $400 bucks you give the doctor will give the economy one hell of a boost.

I can't believe that asshole got me pregnant.

"I fucking hope they socialize healthcare, because I'm not paying for this coronary by myself... greedy republicans!"
It is your inalienable right to become morbidly obese. In fact, you'd be taking your liberties for granted by not becoming a fucking massive lard ass. That's why I go to work everyday, to make sure your unsightly ass is covered if you eat your way into diabetesville.

He's a fat unhealthy monkey, but goddamnit he's happy.
And while you're at it, make sure that you smoke as much as possible in celebration of your right to do so. If you haven't allowed your kids to smoke by age of 13, you're depriving them of their right to enjoy freedom. Hey- it's all about being a kid. They can teach themselves responsibility once you kick off from cervical cancer or stroke. Don't worry, I'll pay for their emphysima and COPD treatments, you won't be around, and besides, that's what I'm here for.

Your colon may be stewed tomatoes, but you REALLY enjoyed those smokes.

"The reason I can't find a decent job is because I'm a minority."
That's exactly right. It has nothing to do with the fact that the Official National Language in the United States is English, and you barely speak enough 'Englais' to ask a store clerk for Newport 100's. Heaven forbid that you take advantage of the Clinton Administration's ingenious tuition programs. You wouldn't want to spend 18 months at a technical school to be a Certified Pipefitter, because if you just take the graveyard shift at Dunkin' Donuts for $5.70 and hour, you could stand around and bitch about 'the Man' on your downtime. Plus at that wage, Liberals will allot you food stamps. Take 'em! I don't mind paying for you. It'll give you more money for Heineken. I'm pissed that my ancestors didn't find an alternative to getting ahead by working hard when they came here from Europe decades ago.

The more you learn, the more you earn, which means this guy's not only poor, he's fucking retarded .

Remember, common citizen. You are a world-class moron, and can not lead a self-sufficient lifestyle on your own. You NEED democrats to tax others and redistribute it to you. You deserve it. We do not want you to be constrained by the shackles of responsibility or hard work and determination. And especially remember, if it's not fun, don't do it.

'Keep Your Laws Off My Body'

2005-02-02T22:32:00.000-05:00

NOTE: ADAM AND I HAVE GANGED UP ON THIS POST.

JESSE:

What are you yawning about?

Aren't you supposed to be dead?

'Keep your laws off my body.' What a fucking asshead slogan that is. I guess that means I can ignore those fucking stupid seatbelt laws that you morons insisted on. I think you liberals may have the coat hangers in the wrong orfice again. Before I get into the first trimester of this post, I have to warn you slow-witted jerkoffs that I am not against abortion in all cases. I believe it is a viable option under circumstances of rape and incest. With that said, let the ramming and sucking begin!
Abortion is being used as an escape from responsibility. Not all cases, but most. I have had the misfortune of having met HUNDREDS of women who have had the procedure done out of convenience. You see, I spent several years working directy for OB/GYN physicians at a very large hospital here in the northeast. Being present for hundreds of these procedures, I know exactly how it's done. My favorite part is when they piece the fetus back together on a table like a puzzle to make sure they got everything. I'm good at puzzles.
As a member of the hospital staff, I was privy to all sorts of confidential information. OB surgeons, when on a first name basis with you, like to share such information when the patient is either out of earshot or under anesthesia. The physicians themselves would estimate the rate of abortions done out of sheer irresponsibility and/or lack of planning was up near 90%. And before you get redfaced and call me a liar, just remember that I am passing on comments of ten or so physicians that have no reason to make that up. It makes me frustrated that these patients can use that as a reason to terminate a pregnancy. Of course, due to Hipaa Confidentiality laws, I am not able to give you the patients' names, phone numbers, or addresses, though I would love to.

What I mean when I say irresponsibility/lack of planning, I don't just mean that the women who get pregnant and abort are fithy pieces of shit, I incriminate the men as well. We both know that there are tons of guys that accidently knock up random whores they meet at the bar, and then plead with the whore to get an abortion. It usually works. These guys, well, they should be executed on the day of the abortion. Now that I think about it, we could pass legislation that punishes frivilous abortions in a very effective way. When they think they are in the physician's office for the abortion appointment, instead of leading them to the surgical suite, they get led to a huge concrete vault where huge guys with sledgehammers smash the living snot out of them. When their skulls are finally crushed to a fine pulp, a switch is thrown and their carcasses are sucked through an enormous wind tunnel and shot out into space. We have control of the House and the Senate, right? I'll call my congressman.

It comes down to that diabolical phrase that liberals cringe at: personal responsibility. If you're worried about your enormous weiner breaking out of the condom like the Incredible Hulk, don't have intercourse unless you can take on a child. If you are afraid of contraceptive failure rates, remember that abstinence works 100% of the time. I know it's discouraging that you are being told not to be whores, but hey, sometimes the medicine tastes bad.

Do I need to get into the whole adoption thing? Good, because I'm already getting sick of stating the obvious.

The whole 'if you are against abortion, don't have one' slogan is just as shitty. I'm also against arson. I won't torch your house, but if some crazy pyro does and I see it, I guess I shouldn't interfere then, huh. You liberals, you need to sit down and write some better catchphrases. Maybe ones that have substance.

ADAM:

Excellent point. Yes I take this personally because I’ve dealt with this, but my stance is so ridiculously improbable that I have to stand by it as well. You might have read one of my previous posts where I mentioned “were fucking crazy to make shit normal”. I feel that in order to come to a feasible compromise, there needs to be some ‘way out there’ conclusions. I understand some medical problems may deem it necessary to bring about aborting a fetus. I can deal with that. Other than that, I have gone absolutely insane on the points of personal responsibility. There’s plenty of forms of birth control, and obviously abstinence. We’ve all heard and understood that.

This is where you come in and say “what if some chick is raped”? Well, I would probably say that you should’ve had a better judge of character to know that you never should’ve gotten involved with your shady ex-boyfriend. Or, you thought you knew the guy who you met in the Tim Horton’s parking at 3 am. Oh, you probably shouldn’t have been walking through that part of town shit faced at that hour as well. And why the fuck were you alone anyway? And why didn’t you lock your door? And why the hell did you answer your phone?

fuckin mongaloid! motherfuckin abort!

If you think that most abortions are caused by rape, at some completely uncontrollable rank, you’re probably retarded. Some do, but it’s such a ridiculously small percentage that it doesn’t even justify giving abortions with such ease at this height of a national level. In a country where everyone is a victim and everyone likes to place blame, even myself, there’s some issues that you just can not be a dildo about. I fell if everyone took some ‘responsibility for their actions’, and a devastating situation like this did occur, I’m so sure public response would be overwhelmingly positive, or in the victims favor if you understand that better. When I say positive response, I mean things like toughing out a birthing process…and if you decide you can’t care for the child in your present conditions, That child would most likely be taken care of through adoption and go to a very capable family, and quickly. Or maybe by the time you have the kid, you might have a change a heart.

Yeah, fuck me. I’m a softy. This shit will never happen because it “puts restrictions on the human spirit” or some shit, right? I know life isn’t raining rose petals and growing gum drops. On the other hand, if I give in, there becomes no sense of balance and everything spins into chaos. And besides, we all know its wrong.

Attention War Protesters: Lick My Balls- Part II

2005-01-31T18:45:00.000-05:00

If you are a liberal, it would help you to read this first.

And to think, you liberals tried to stop this.

Most people know that I only visit two liberal sites with any regularity. Both of said sites contain lots and lots of anti-war propoganda. Why? The reasons vary. One of the sites is run by true idiots, and that's a fact. You can go to their site, and they will tell you that 2+2=5. All their idiot friends all say 'no shit, radical thinking is cool!' But then you bring them an abacus, count the fucking beads in front of them, and they just refuse to acknowledge you out of sheer stubborn immaturity. They are young people, (hence their site name), which means they will likely grow out of it and turn conservative eventually anyway.
The other site is run by who I believe to be actually intellegent (no, really), but who is also very stubborn and uses much more subtle tactics. This writer will twist things into oblivion to get a result that is suitable. It'll go more like this:

'this guy says 2+2 is 4.'

'but this guy thinks it's 5.'

Before you know it, it's real popular to say 5. And if you tell her it's still 4, you had better keep it to yourself, or you'll be ridiculed. This site is all filled with generic liberal pessimism, alligations (that when questioned aren't proven), monday morning quarterbacking, and other closed-mindedness. Well fuck that shit, we're on to you. For you liberals that MUST lower everyone's morale to further your agenda, I dedicate the rest of this post to you.

Today would be a good day to be kind to a Democrat. They won't be in a good mood. The people of Iraq have voted in their first free election in 50 years. Credit goes to Bush. Depression goes to the Democrats. ">Today would be a good day to be kind to a Democrat. They won't be in a good mood. The people of Iraq have voted in their first free election in 50 years. Credit goes to Bush. Depression goes to the Democrats.

The presidents of France and Russia, top opponents of U.S. policy in Iraq, joined world leaders Monday in praising this weekend's landmark Iraqi elections as a success of democracy over terrorism

President Bush and UK Prime Minister Tony Blair - the leaders of the two nations which led the invasion of Iraq - hailed them as a resounding success.

Iraqi cops! quit celebrating!

Allawi! Quit smiling!

Iraqi woman! That better not be a smile!

You there! Quit clapping!

Here's to thinking positive.

P.S. People die and get maimed in wars, which makes none of this worth it.

If you think you’re entitled to something, you probably deserve nothing.

2005-01-30T20:55:00.000-05:00

http://www.iwantmyvacation.com/
I bet you do. After I saw the Commercial for this website I went out and fucked a 14 year old. Things like this make me loose all sense of reality, and suddenly the right becomes wrong. You guys can stop crying about “it’s just a Orlando business site, promoting vacation packages” or whatever you want, I understand. The fact is that this really is the mentality of a lot of people.

If you poke around the site long enough, you can play a cute little game, read some statistics, and even type in your numbers to see if you really deserve a vacation. If you choose the options in succession, you first view a small table of average vacation days spent by other countries. Don’t feel too discouraged, because it forgets to state things in there like how a few of those countries at the top wont allow you to work more than 30-35 hours a week, no matter what your profession. It also shows America down at the bottom of the list, because apparently there’s only 8 countries that exist as well as the little known fact that people die when they don’t take vacations. Just remember that’s not your fault you have no ambition, it’s the mans.

Next, I skipped straight to the game, I couldn’t handle the suspense anymore. All it consisted of was a coy little activity where you can punch the guy who didn’t need to employ your selfish ass in the first place. I quickly got frustrated because I couldn’t quite figure out how to blast him that far down the hallway. As much as I enjoyed watching his face slide across the floor after hitting him 50 doors down the hall, I decided I should search the site a little more.

Next was pretty much the best part of the site. They have this charming equation in which you punch in how much you work, and how many days you took off for vacation. Getting holidays off, and a weekend day seems plenty of vacation to me, but I guess the National Bureau of Lethargy figured that if you’re working, you’re doing to much. I assumed that I should type in what I actually do work, but I was afraid the website would pop and fizzle if the work input digits exceeded 4. I leveled with them, and threw in 20 work hours a week, and said that I only took say, 3 vacation days off last year. 3 full days of work…This is the type of person who should get off their ass and do something but is actually doing something to their ass and getting off. Get this: apparently, this person is on the brink of suicide because their “VDQ” is below zero. VDQ? WTF?! If you’re only working that many days a week, the majority of your life is a fucking vacation… and unless you’re making some serious money at 20 hours a week, you can’t afford a vacation. Whatever. Now is this a clever marketing ploy, or Harsh reality? Well, no matter what you put in, even if it’s what you deem as legit, it’s still not enough. They really want you to take a vacation. This is where the real meat and potatoes of this come in.

Why the fuck do you deserve a vacation? Look at you! I hate to break it to you, but you can’t get the job you want because you didn’t go to school and get a skill…or you did go to school, but you got pissed because no one in your area wants your creative writing degree, with your minor in ocean trash. It’ll be okay, Id rather tell you that, then be the guy that had to tell Sylvester Stalone that his ex-wife is fucking a time-keeping Viking.

"wait, shes banging who?

...you're fucking kidding me

Even Wal-Mart thinks you guys are fucking stupid. And you are, because they have a company that takes care of 2% of Americas "gross domestic product", some ungodly number like 240 billion a year…and you still call you mom to ask for gas money so you can drive to Alaska to “find yourself”. These motherfuckers get pissed because they think they’re entitled to a certain amount of money, just because of where they live, and because Wal-Mart can afford to pay them how much they want. This is fucking stupid. I’m sure some of you don’t quite understand yet what I’m trying to say, so I will set up a mock-conversation to feed it to you in bite size pieces.

Me: Oh, I heard you lost your job.
You: Fuck that, I quit there.
Me: Really? I heard the fired you.
You: Hell no! I quit, they kept giving me a hard time about showing up late, it’s total bull shit.
Me: Well, how’s the new job search going?
You: Oh, not to good.
Me: How come?
You: Eh, no one will hire me
Me: Where did you apply?
You: Everywhere.
Me: Everywhere?
You: Yeah, no ones hiring.
Me: I find that hard to believe.
You: Well, not everywhere. But all the good stuff is taken.
Me: Good as in, good money?
You: Yeah. I don’t really wanna work at McDonalds, and the Wal-Mart has good prices, but I think the wages are too low. Plus I wouldn’t want to get stuck in customer service when someone brings this back:

Me: Okay, well where did you want to work?
You: Well I wanted to work at Office max but I didn’t want to wear a suit to work, and I also wanted to work at PepBoys with one of my friends, but I don’t know anything about car parts.
Me: Anywhere else?
You: I tried applying for waiting tables at the Roma but they didn’t except me.
Me: Isn’t the place like a 4 star restaurant?
You: Yeah.
Me: How come they didn’t hire you?
You: Because I told them I didn’t want to take my nose ring out…and some bull shit about never waiting tables before.
Me: I thought you said you were gonna go to school for business?
You: I was, but….uh, I don’t think my application got there in time
Me: How many places did you actually drop an application at?
You: like 2, but I talked to all the managers at like 5 other places and they didn’t need me, and there’s really nothing else around here.
Me: Nothing?
You: Except the Mcdonalds.
Me: So, go apply then, I heard they‘ll take any shifts for anything, they really need help.
You: Fuck that, Mcdonalds is wicked gay.
Me: Not as gay as not working.
You: No, gayer. I’m sure something will come up anyway.
Me: What about something the next town over?
You: I don’t have a car
Me: Why don’t you ride a bike?
You: What about in the winter?
Me: Get a snowmobile.
You: I don’t know how to ride one.
Me: Yeah, learning a skill blows.
You: Word.
Me: How about you mow lawns? Everyone’s got a lawn.
You: HAHAHA
Me: What?
You: Mow lawns? What am I, 13?
Me: Did you get your GED yet?
You: No. But seriously, mow lawns?
Me: Yeah, I’d do it if I were you.
You: I can’t afford one.
Me: I thought you said Wal-Mart had good prices? You could pay that thing off in a week.
You: Good point. But what about my kid?
Me: Buy a riding lawn mower. And car seats are 20 bucks. So that’s 2 weeks of work.
You: Again, what about in the winter?
Me: Snow blow peoples drive ways. Plus that’s 4 months away, You might be able to find another job, and you’d still have a Lawnmower.
You: That’s way too much work, plus I don’t know anything about filing taxes from not getting a pay check.
Me: Why are you making so many excuses?
You: ‘Cause I’m a lazy piece of shit, and because I’m 21, the world owes me something.

End scene

Don’t like your job? No one is stopping you from getting another one. On the other hand, you could just tough it out. After all, it’s not your job anyway, It’s the companies, they didn’t need to give it to you in the first place. What’s the point of someone starting a business anyway? To just have to follow a bunch of civil rights laws? To give back to the community? I think once you get big enough, you could probably use that as a spin, you’re the big company that gives money to charities that save seals from oil spills. I have never in my life heard of a company that was started up to not make a profit. I think that’s called community service.

So what did we learn today? 1) People don’t employ you because you’re lazy with no skills or education, and wont go conform to their code of ethics. 2) You do have a job, but you get no promotions, benefits and a crappy wage because you’re lazy with no skills or education. 3) Have a job but still don’t like your wage or working conditions? Get a different job 4) You get offered jobs you don’t want because of your Masters in “History of Interpretive Watercolor Paintings Holding The Paintbrush With Their Ass Cheeks”? That’s your own fault. 5) Nothing in your town? Try moving. 6) Don’t want to move and leave things behind? Chances are that shit’s keeping you back anyway.

not bad, considering you did it with your ass

P.S. -
haiku 100
she shits there lonely
watching the tide wash away
and counts the sea shells
…as if we needed a reason to not take your haiku’s seriously.

I'm Declaring War

2005-01-30T10:31:00.000-05:00

You all know how I like to shy away from exposing liberal morons for who they are, right? Well in this instance, I can't resist. I have happened on to a site run by such arrogant, ignorant, one-sided, hateful, and unintelligent subhumans, that it has made me quake with rage. I'm telling you, these guys are even more retarded than I am. Ladies and gentleman, I give you Young Liberals.

These douchbags are led by Headdouchebag Chris Bilal, a condesending, ugly, militant, typical angry black adolescent.

Action shot: That's the expression one uses when they are about to be verbally sodomized.

And here he is. I know, it's cruel to post ugly people's pictures unexpectedly like that, but try to keep your vomit contained. This putzy desk clerk from a law firm has no idea what he's in for. I try to provoke a debate out of him, and I get typical liberal cowardice in return. He runs his site like a third world socialist. He removes comments by readers who make the slightest implication that he is a monkey. He tells me he is going to ignore me whenever I address him. For a supposed free thinker, he doesn't want his readers to think freely. He spews liberal propaganda and poorly typed borish rhetoric and expects people to treat it as the word of God. Don't worry, after our my war gets going, we'll find him in a spider hole with poop in his pants, well, because that's what fearful dictators do.

There's a morbidly obese teenager with an enormous head from the site, named Samantha. Now Samantha has something in her favor, she at least tried to debate me privatly about a month ago. Her argument was nothing a fourth grader couldn't handle, but at least she gave it a shot. She urged me not to print it, but fuck her and her gargantuan body. She wanted to screw around with the abortion debate. Here it is in part:

I put the turning points of the argument in bold in case you just want to skim it.
(Samantha is Solace3225)

solace3225: okay, what about this
solace3225: regarding abortion
solace3225: what about female soldiers who are raped by male soldiers, should they be allowed to have an abortion and have their rights respected
evilnursemask: Yes.
evilnursemask: But as a contraceptive, no.
solace3225: then what is wrong with me, a civilian having an abortin
solace3225: abortion*
solace3225: i don't see abortion as a contraceptive
evilnursemask: It's being done like brushing one's teeth now a days.
solace3225: not really
solace3225: it has gone down actually
evilnursemask: Samantha, I worked as a CST in the operating room of the biggest hospital in my state.
evilnursemask: Abortions everyday.
solace3225: but it is not in the blue states, most abortions are in blue states
evilnursemask: 12 per day on average.
solace3225: that doesn't matter
evilnursemask: Oh it doesn't?
solace3225: do you know why they are having abortions
evilnursemask: Yes.
evilnursemask: And yes, when the patients are asleep, we talk.
solace3225: and...?
evilnursemask: The MDs tell us that the abortions are a contraceptive. Very rarely is it an incidence of rape or anything like that.
solace3225: i don't see them as a contraceptive
evilnursemask: Most other liberals do.
solace3225: a contraceptive to me is: the pill, the patch and the shot that is given
solace3225: not a lot
solace3225: as you think
evilnursemask: Abortions should only be done in case of rape or health risks.
evilnursemask: Surgeons say that is only 2% of the time.
evilnursemask: 98% are for lack of responsibility.
evilnursemask: That is from the physicians' own words.
solace3225: that is such a glaring generality
evilnursemask: Yeah, ok.
evilnursemask: Rationalize it however you want.
solace3225: many men tell their wives, daughters, girlfriends to have abortions even though the woman wants the kid
evilnursemask: Sure.
solace3225: then that is not lack of responsibility
evilnursemask: Yeah.
solace3225: it takes two to tango
evilnursemask: Yeah.
solace3225: women get abortions because they cannot provide for the child
evilnursemask: Yeah.
solace3225: are you going to pay for the child
evilnursemask: They should have been abstinant.
solace3225: but these women are married
evilnursemask: So.
evilnursemask: If you can't take on a child, don't have sex.
evilnursemask: What's so hard about that.
solace3225: condom break, and birth control does not work
evilnursemask: 1%
evilnursemask: Birth control failure rate:1%
solace3225: yea
solace3225: still look at the size of our population
evilnursemask: You've lost this argument along time ago.
solace3225: that 1% could equal 1 million people
evilnursemask: Youre scrambling.
solace3225: no
solace3225: no
solace3225: it is the truth
evilnursemask: You haven't rebutted the main statement.
evilnursemask: If you can't take on a child, don't have sex.
solace3225: it is not as if i am making it up, what would i have to gain?
solace3225: i know you are researching
evilnursemask: I'm actually on the phone.
evilnursemask: Back.
solace3225: yea
evilnursemask: I guess what you won't address is this:If you can't take on a child, don't have sex.
evilnursemask: Abstinence has a 100% effectiveness rate.
solace3225: i said that i agree with you
solace3225: i agree with you
solace3225: duh
solace3225: i don't think you can get pregnant through masturbation
evilnursemask: So whats the problem?
evilnursemask: That eliminates 98% of abortions.
solace3225: not really
solace3225: what is someone is raped
evilnursemask: Really.
evilnursemask: 2%
solace3225: they are not asking for it
evilnursemask: Are you paying attention?
solace3225: i can subtract
evilnursemask: evilnursemask: 98% are for lack of responsibility.
evilnursemask: That is from the physicians' own words.
solace3225: okay
evilnursemask: Stop saying everyone is being raped and getting pregnant.
solace3225: does the doctor ask why they are having the abortion?
evilnursemask: Yes.
solace3225: every 1 someone is raped
solace3225: second*
evilnursemask: Sure.
solace3225: do you think that the rapists use condoms?
evilnursemask: Everytime someone is raped, they are pregnent from it? I doubt it.
evilnursemask: Highly doubt it, and now I'm chuckling.
solace3225: i am not saying everytime
solace3225: i never did
evilnursemask: did you say the majority of abortions are from rape.
solace3225: no i did not
evilnursemask: When it's really 2%.
solace3225: i said that people who get abortions, some of them are rape cases
evilnursemask: And you dispute that 98% is from lack of planning/responsibility?
solace3225: do you honestly think that the rapist wheres a condon
solace3225: yes
solace3225: there are other factors?
evilnursemask: You are misinformed.
solace3225: no ? mark*
solace3225: you are insular

Now LOOK AT THIS:
evilnursemask: I tell you this from the statements of maybe a dozen physicians.
evilnursemask: Are they lying?
solace3225: i am not doubting their testimonies
solace3225: you are stating that 98% are from irresponsibility
solace3225: and I refuted that
evilnursemask: They are stating it, I am agreeing.
solace3225: you are stating it by typing it, are you not?
evilnursemask: THAT IS THEIR WORDS AS WELL.
solace3225: but you said you didn't state it, you just agree with it
evilnursemask: Nice avoidance.

HERE'S WHERE I NAILED HER:
solace3225: i said that i was doubting their testimony
solace3225: that is the second time that i typed that
evilnursemask: solace3225: i am not doubting their testimonies
solace3225: i am not
evilnursemask: I've sunk your battleship.
solace3225: i think that they are credible
solace3225: since they are physicians
evilnursemask: solace3225: i said that i was doubting their testimony
solace3225: but do the doctors actually know why they are having that abortion
evilnursemask: Now my chuckle has developed into a belly laugh.
evilnursemask: Yes.
solace3225: there is a difference between doubting and recognizing the actual facts behind it
evilnursemask: We've been over this.,
solace3225: yes we have
solace3225: you have poor comprehension skills and you are insular
evilnursemask: Whatever you have to say.
solace3225: i am not saying because you apparently "sunk my battleship"
evilnursemask: This is an argument ad hominem.
solace3225: i am saying it because it is indeed true
evilnursemask: 'argument against the man' before you ask, which is just an attack on Me, not what I Say.
solace3225: no not really
solace3225: i am attacking what you say
evilnursemask: solace3225: you have poor comprehension skills and you are insular
solace3225: but you have poor comprehension still
solace3225: skills*
evilnursemask: Yeah.
solace3225: i know i said that
solace3225: yea you do
evilnursemask: I just showed you where you contridicted yourself.
solace3225: contradicted**
solace3225: no, i did not contradict myself
evilnursemask: And now you circumvented the topic.
solace3225: i did not

SO I CUT AND PASTE HER OWN WORDS, SHOWING SHE SAID OPPOSITE STATEMENTS:
evilnursemask: solace3225: i said that i was doubting their testimony solace3225: i am not doubting their testimonies
solace3225: i just simply stated that you have poor comprehension skills
solace3225: i am not
solace3225: i am doubting the knowledge behind them
solace3225: as i stated before
solace3225: the doctors do not know the actual reasons, what is so hard about grasping this concept?
evilnursemask: They do know them.
solace3225: yea right
evilnursemask: That's what the pre abortion interview is about.
solace3225: they have a list of every single patient
solace3225: some clinics do not require them
evilnursemask: Yeah, it's called a 'chart'.
solace3225: really
solace3225: ?
solace3225: do tell me more
evilnursemask: In them states the reasons for abortions.
solace3225: is that a question?
evilnursemask: I'll treat you like a 3rd grader if youre going to reason like one.
solace3225: i am reasoning like a 3rd grader
solace3225: you are just too narrow-minded
solace3225: men make their wives have abortions
solace3225: fathers make their daughters have abortions
evilnursemask: the doctors do not know the actual reasons,yea right they have a list of every single patient
evilnursemask: Jesus Christ.
solace3225: they don't
solace3225: it is against state law to even ask
solace3225: well in PA
evilnursemask: You don't know much about what goes on in the medical profession.
solace3225: i can say the same for you
evilnursemask: I WORK THERE
evilnursemask: YOU DON"T
solace3225: and that is suppose to give you some backing of knowledge
solace3225: how do you know that i do not work at a hospital?
evilnursemask: Oh god.
evilnursemask: This is silly.
evilnursemask: You don't have to believe me I suppose.
solace3225: i believe that you work in a hospital
solace3225: that is the whole point of arguing
solace3225: trying to persuade someone
solace3225: well i have to g
evilnursemask:I know a lot about what I am telling you.
solace3225: point?
solace3225: we will pick this up later, i have to go
evilnursemask: HAHAHAHAHAH
solace3225: see ya
solace3225: no, it is storming and our other phone line is not working
solace3225: so i am on the main line
evilnursemask: I'll post this.
solace3225: remember it is illegal
evilnursemask: Sue me.
solace3225: you are not worth it
solace3225: go ahead post it and i will post this too
solace3225: then you can sue me
evilnursemask: I don't believe in frivilous liberal lawsuits.
solace3225: really
solace3225: interesting...
evilnursemask: JesseFactor will get a kick out of this conversation.
solace3225: go ahead, so will my liberal friends
evilnursemask: Cool.
solace3225: yes
evilnursemask: What are you wearing?
solace3225: see ya jesse
evilnursemask: Later Samantha.
solace3225 signed off at 11:44:32 AM.

I SCHOOLED HER, AND SHE HUNG UP ON ME

I like how when I challenge their ideas on their site, my comments always seem to end up looking a lot like this:

Jesse said...
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
1:17 PM

How lame. So much for freedom of expression. Why is it so hard to get a liberal to debate and stay on an issue? Why do they always squirm? Why do they use sensationalistic journalism? Why do anti-war people put pictures of burned up kids and soldiers on their blogs to horrify the reader when pictures of hacked-up fetuses make them giggle? Why is the word 'abstinence' make them screech like a vampire in sunlight, but the thought of bizzare new family structures gives them erections.

Some bitch named 'Brandong' who works for that liberal shit factory site said this in response to an allegation that liberals are overemotional.

"Do you want to talk about emotions? The modern conservaive movement is BASED in emotion. The fear mongering, the rage, the unrestrained anger. The sexual jealousy right wingers exhibtted towards Bill Clinton. The hate and envy that angry white men exibit towards blacks and hispanics. The fury and outright hysteria that religious radicals exhibibt when confronted with gays and lesbians."

I've never seen someone fuck up the word 'exhibit' so many times in one sitting: what a fucking IDIOT. Here's your unrestrained anger. Here's your rage. Here's your hate and envy of blacks by whites. Disregarding certain facts and making generalizations is a good time, isn't it? Wasn't Clinton guilty of perjury? And who the fuck was jealous of Clinton's sex life? Only someone who can't even score with ugly fat bitches would, I'm guessing that would be Brandong. Hey, maybe you could try to get Samantha drunk. After you take her to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

'I wonder how many of these things I REALLY have.'

In short, my point is this. In a world where liberals are getting increasingly irrational, unintellegent, and whiney, it is easier for me to just dislike them than to pity them. Their fear of a structured debate makes them look silly, as does their inabilities once they dare enter that arena. Chris Bilal, you are a pussy and I'm going to bring you down. Believe me, the longer you ignore me, the worse it's going to get.

if you could afford it, youd do it too.

2005-01-24T20:27:00.000-05:00

"give 'em a few seconds to move before you shoot next time"

Thanks for the E-mails regarding the tank pictures with captions. Considering how fucking awesome tanks really are, I decided to post-pone the entry i was originally going to do (working title: "Attention Welfare Dildos"), and devote an entry on the insurance in iraq analogy. these are some of the things i would do with my protective tank. please enjoy.

if that guy was faking being a cripple that
parked in handicapped, hes not now.

"dammit nig, i said i don't want my fucking windows washed!"

"save up and buy your own tank, dildo...keep walking"

“I guarantee I have more bullets than you have bodies,
now pick up your signs and get inside the fucking library!”

this picture is too fucking awesome in itself,
but if i had to put a caption, it would probably be something like:
"i can drive forward faster than you can run backwards motherfuckers!"
or
"i'll give you a headstart after i shoot your brother"

Jesse: "This would be way cooler if we were moving."
Adam: "STFU, we can't drive and look cool from way up here anyway."

And THIS is Why I Hate the Elderly

2005-01-24T16:11:00.000-05:00

Why can't you just die already!?

Not to be insensitive, but you old people have been gumming up the works for some time now. The problem is that you are impeding my progress to accomplish important things without making any positive donations of your own. I'm in that mood again, so you may want to double up on your meds for this one.
I can't even go into a supermarket for a bag of chips and a roll of TP without coming out of there with a fucking ZZ Top beard. Ethel, if it's going to take you 45 minutes to write out a check, either let me go ahead of you or send someone competent in. The next old bag that looks at a pen and says 'crazy newfangled gadgets' gets one in the knees.

"Hey, this TV has a typewriter hooked to it!"

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but being demented is just like man-on-man sodomy. I don't care if you do it at your house, but don't let it involve me.
And it turns out, you're not just confused and slow, you're dangerous. As of 2002, drivers 75 years and older have higher rates of fatal motor vehicle crashes than drivers in other age groups except teenagers. That's scary enough, but then consider this. Teens grow out of being teens, you just stay being fucking old. So it would be safe to nip this in the bud and preemptively take your licenses at age 65.

"Did you get a description of the driver?"
"Yeah, his face looked like an antique baseball glove."

People 75 years and older have the highest pedestrian death rates per 100,000 people. It's fine if you only hurt yourself. But running over a person? C'mon, it's not like a missle was bearing down on you and you couldn't get out of the way. It was a fucking guy on foot. Jesus Christ. I can picture it happening to me: I'm crossing the road to cash my paycheck, which will put gas in my car, so I can work and pay taxes to allow you to live in your government subsidized housing and eek out another miserable few months of low-quality life, and you run me over.
Which brings me to another thing. Just because you suck at everything EXCEPT fucking up stories, doesn't mean you can be crotchity. I know it's a pain in the ass that you have no idea what your bowels are doing, but your misfortune shouldn't have to be my misfortune. If I want to hear complaining, bitching, and general frustration, I'll tune into Air America. At least I won't have to look at the people.

Did you do your makeup without a mirror again?

And to show you that I am a compassionate chap, we would like to give you your own state. That's right, all persons over 65 are hereby ordered to live in Florida. It's going to be great, you can do what ever you wish there. 24 hour beano games, Matlock-theme crosswords, all the figs and prunes you can eat. There's one catch though: we're knocking down all the hospitals. Those of us who don't waste society's resourses need them up here.

In conclusion, you hate me, I hate you, but I'm stronger and smarter. Hell, I can even work the remote to my television without having to call someone to help me.

Now get in there, and shut the fuck up.

LIBERALS HAVE REALLY MADE ME CHUCKLE THIS WEEK

2005-01-23T13:45:00.000-05:00

DEar libHatEr, YoU twO aR sTuPIdHeAdz.

Somehow, this site has acted as a giant fishing net for liberals with below average intellegence. At first, this really bothered me. I felt that some of our sarcasm and childish wit was attracting undesireable clientele, and that maybe we should consider going a bit more high-brow with this, so we could get some serious and profound liberal feedback about political ISSUES. But after serveral pensive days to consider the matter, I decided 'fuck no'.
As it turns out, the liberals have opened my eyes in the past few days to a new side of them. Gone are the days where I would get frustrated at their incompotence, angry at their lack of ethics or appropriate social behaviors, annoyed by their unproductive protesting, aggrivated by their predictible use of non-sensical bumpersticker slogans in debates, disgusted by their irresponsible fiscal spending. I've now been aquainted with some liberals that I have done something positive for me: made me laugh my scrotum off.
It's not like most of us conservatives ever took them too seriously anyway. Most of us either view them as a group to be pitied for their lack of talent and charisma, or as a festering cancer that needs to be ripped from society and incinerated. You'd think we'd get some somewhat reasonable rebuttals on here, but lately for some reason, this conservative boat has netted some really dumb fish.

"YoU gUyz aR a BUnch oF pOoPypAnTs."

Well tell us what you really think. I'm about to give a few of my liberal 'fans' some free pluggage, whether they like it or not. The following comments were provided to our site by the intellectual arm of the democratic party.

-"quite frankly i think you are both half-wits... i do truly wish that you were both more intelligent...proofread. nothing is more irritating than someone who begs to be taken seriously but who cannot type a grammatically correct sentence. -d
Well 'd', next time you come to my site to write four paragraphs with no substance or a specific, relevent response, I'll send you what I like to call 'a nasty online organism'.
-"what a fucking flamer.. you make fun of other peoples bloggers while you have gay men dancing together... go take it up the ass...i wouldnt be pround of the fact that your a bigger fag" -katie
Well katie, those are the same remarks I used to enjoy saying when I was your age. Don't worry, you'll get hair on your vagina soon enough. You'd have a point there if I was actually a homosexual. Aren't you supposed to be busy 'celebrating diversity'? Take a deep breath, and learn how to capitalize the first letter of your name.
Let's pull in the nets again. What do we have here.
-"I want to have the option to have an abortion if nessacary. In other words, I want to be an American." -Samantha
Practice safe sex, Samantha, and it won't be 'nessacary'.
-"wtf kind of blogger is this??? get a life cum eater." -anonymous
You have to love that anonymous liberal cowardice.
-"your father isnt as black as you think he is. a true black person wouldnt agree...your father is denying his heritage...cracker...your hopeless." -katie AGAIN
katie, you have a knack for making an ass of yourself. I nominate you for the 2008 democratic primaries. You may be even more insane than Howard Dean.

"katie and I are going to Utah! Then Michigan! Then we're going to take Ohio! Then the white house! YAARRAGAAGGGHHAGAGGAGHHH!!!

It just goes on from there, a bottomless pit of braindamaged crybabies. I want to thank the liberals who took the time to brighten my days with infantile rhetoric, irrelevent name-calling, and generally weak or half assed arguments. It all strengthens our belief that liberals are not to be taken seriously, ever.

I'll leave you with some very insightful and very truthful words taken from this site. It is a list of general examples of why Liberals are dangerous and incompetent.

"I BELIEVE that all Liberal Democrats are mentally undeveloped, and are locked into the age of 7 where everything that goes wrong in their lives is 'someone else’s fault.' This is called projection. No Liberal Democrats are able to admit fault for anything. I first ran into this when I was 5 years old when my father caught an older sadistic neighbor kid hitting me with a stick. My father asked this 11-year-old why he was hitting me with this stick, and he dropped the stick and said, 'what stick?' Just as President Clinton cannot tell a lie, if he "thinks" whatever he wants, it is 'true.' They cannot, and never will, accept responsibility for their actions."

Well put. And for you liberals that are finally starting to realize your lack of self-worth:

You're right, Liberals ARE awesome...

2005-01-22T22:29:00.000-05:00

I <3 terrorists

Okay kids, this is getting fucking ridiculous. You can pull this whole Iraq thing out of your butts now. I’ll simplify everything so you guys can understand how reasonable people perceive what’s going on over there. I’m just going to push all this shit together for a moment: What were some of the top reasons we went over there? WMD’s, yeah, nothing in the shape of a missile that could blow up a city has been found, but we see tire tracks and clouds of dust leaving empty warehouses. Trust me, its kind of hard to kill over 500,000 of your own civilians with rocks and sticks alone. I’ve tried. Whatever, if it makes you feel better that there’s nothing there, that’s fine, congratulations. what about the 8000 other reasons?

Oil? Of course that’s a factor. Yes, having that large of a supply aiding to what goes on over here helps a lot, but whatever we do with it is a lot better than anything they have planned. You don’t see Gas at 10 bucks a gallon, so no ones trying to get rich off this shit. This probably doesn’t apply to you kids anyway. I have a good feeling the only reason you gotta get out of the house is to borrow your mom's station wagon to go the convenience store to buy some wraps. And if you guys are still hell bent on the whole “big bad companies not giving me handouts for the oil they’re getting” idea, then just put on your protest pants and walk everywhere.

SPEAKING of oil,

http://www.nationalreview.com/comment/rosett200404182336.asp

I think something along the lines funding and harboring terrorist organizations was on that list of reasons somewhere, but lets just forget about that. Bush sometimes says words wrong so he must be a fucking troll with no common sense.

Oh wait, wait. I just remembered about the elections over there too. Yeah that’s a shitty idea too. 70 parties, a few that dropped out then a few that came back into the race…

http://www.iraqidinaronline.com/iraq-election.php

I know how pissed off you guys get when large numbers of people disagree with you. It took me some time to find out exactly why this tugs your weiners so hard. I think it sucks for you because it takes way too much fucking time to character assassinate 275 people. God damn, you guys average like, oh shit, I dunno; 1 or 2 a day? These numbers are so new there’s NO way you can keep up…Just hit the bigger ones, and tell us why they suck. You'd better get to work, dildos, the elections are coming up.

And I’m sure you guys know all about the President's speech the other day. There was this one part of it that stood out for me and I’d like to share: “Freedom, by its nature, must be chosen, and defended by citizens, and sustained by the rule of law and the protection of minorities. And when the soul of a nation finally speaks, the institutions that arise may reflect customs and traditions very different from our own. America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling. Our goal instead is to help others find their own voice, attain their own freedom, and make their own way“. He didn’t actually speak in italics and bold, so let me explain. We feel compassion for Iraqis because they get shit on, in there own country…not by us.

did that just run me over, or is it about to?

http://www.frontpagemag.com/Articles/Printable.asp?ID=5773

Here’s an excerpt form that, just incase you don’t wanna read it: “In 1999, a complaint about prison overcrowding led to an instruction from the Iraqi leader for a "prison cleansing" drive. This resulted, according to human rights groups, in hundreds, and possibly thousands, of executions”. It’s got a whole buncha cute points, but I’m sure you guys will just disregard it anyway.

So, we go over there and fuck up insurgents and saddam loyalists, so the bread and butter of that country can choose its own path, instead of being forced to do something. kinda like our country…but without the whole “liberals take this option for granted” part. Assholes, how can this be bad? I thought you were all about helping people out who are less fortunate, or the ones whose voices aren’t able to be heard? You guys are fucking retards.

This brings me to saddam. I was reading all these articles, and then read the posts here. The common thought I find is, if you grow up a certain way, its not your fault if you do bad shit. So I understand now how awesome he is, I can totally see why you guys think this was all a bad idea. He was definitely deprived of warm loving emotions when he was a kid, and was surrounded by killings and just a whole lot of crabby nasty people. That poor guy. We should’ve just left that country alone so he can get all his frustration out. Man I feel like such an asshole for thinking we shoulda gone over there. You guys were so right. Fuck Iraq, fuck all those guys. Today I turn a new leaf. I’m going to adopt your view on life. I now bring you the tsunami.

Get up pussies, it’s just some water

Man, fuck these guys too. What did they ever do for us anyway. I’m so glad I get it now. They can totally help themselves, I don’t see what the big deal is. Its not like Asia isn’t fucking huge or anything.

"What a pain in the ass… that’s even farther away than Iraq"

With all seriousness, you guys gotta shut the fuck up. Saddam murdered way more people than the tsunami unavoidably fucked up. Believe me, if we coulda built a wall to keep out 40 foot waves that we knew were coming, we would’ve done it. I pieced some analogies from different places and this is the best way I can describe it: if you have a car, you get insurance, so in the small chance you might get in an accident, you’re covered. you don't get in an accident first, or have someone blow up another 3000 people and then buy the car/people back, you get insurance. yes, the chance saddam himself sending something over personally to blow the hell out of us was practically nil, but we all know he funded terrorists, and he had weapons that magically disappeared to some other countries, or he just used them on his own civilians before we found them. and yes, its a little more overkill than just getting insurance, its more like employing someone with a tank to follow you around everywhere you go. but if I had the money, I couldn’t think of a better way to spend it than that.

i'm gettin a soda, you need anything while im in there?

America cares, Bush cares, and he does this caring shit all the time. Put away the sex pistols records and get out of your parents basements. It’s not cool to hate the president anymore for the solemn reason that he’s the president. It used to be cute when you sketched pictures of W's with the red anti-sign over it in your social studies notebooks, It's time to grow up now. He cares more about you than I do, and I probably know you better.

Gay Activists: Quit Clogging America's Bowels

2005-01-22T13:24:00.000-05:00

Stop laughing, this is serious.

Homosexual activism may just be the stupidest thing Liberals get involved with besides politics. Most of the population is sick of it, too. And before you start screeching 'freedom of expression' slogans, I want to ask you to shut the fuck up, because it's my turn to speak.
We live in a democratic society, which means that the majority rules. I can't walk around with my testicles hanging out of my fly because the majority of citizens find it disconcerting. I can't sit in the middle of Macy's and take a crap next to the men's slacks, because it's not socially acceptable and maybe offensive. I can't wear a T-shirt that says "I love Osama Bin Laden" because sensible people will find it distasteful and will beat me up. There are rules which govern acceptable behavior in public. What I CAN do however is all of these things in my own home. This applies to homosexual activity. No one is saying that you can't be gay; people just want you to practice it in private. The reason is clear- the majority of the population finds it unacceptable.

You know, I never thought of that.

"You can't speak for everyone, what is acceptable is different to different people." Shut up. If the majority of people liked homosexual lifestyles, you wouldn't need to hold rallys and protests. So by being an activist you are proving that most people disagree with you.
This brings me to another point- activists who hold rallys. You are wasting your time and embarrassing yourselves. Equal rights for gay people? What the fuck is that about? You are bitching about employment discrimination? Why? Unless you are being inappropriately flamboyant in your interview, you won't get descriminated against. Pro-gay marriage laws? It's not going to happen, the majority finds it inappropriate. Deal with it. It's a rather silly idea anyway.

Hurry, you'll be late for your job interview.

I guess my point is, the majority is never going to cater to a small majority, and shouldn't have to. It's rather shameful that you would be so abrasive to even assume this. Should I team up with other guys that like to put their testicles out of their pants in public and go to the the steps of the the City Hall with a bullhorn ranting why everyone should tollerate me? Fuck no.
The reason there are so many silly little organizations, alliances, and support groups suggests that gay people are feeling like outcasts. If society views you this way, then what makes you think pride marches and rallies are going to change anyone's minds? Are you preaching awareness? We're aware, now shut the fuck up.
Before I get thirty million comments calling me a Nazi, remember that I never once said that being a homosexual is wrong. I am a huge supporter of freedom, and believe what goes on in private between consenting adults is their business. I am not a homophobe, I have several gay friends, and I'm not hateful to the idea of gay people. I am hateful to the activism, the complaining, and the assumption that they as a small minority should be owed anything special. I also believe that being overly flamboyant can make a person look fucking stupid, too.

You bring it on yourselves.

This is just none of my business.

Okay, you've convinced me. How can I get in on this?

Happy Inauguration Day, Liberal Jerkoffs! and Thanks for being a rash on the balls of America!

2005-01-20T14:18:00.000-05:00

This day is ours. It is not yours silly liberals, although if you had the capacity for logic, it would be. I dedicated this day to doing all the things liberals are trying to stop me from doing. The next four years may be the last chance to do a lot of the things I take for granted. I'll take you through it:
I woke up, and before I even went to take my morning piss, I went outside and brushed all the snow off my grill. That's right, I treated myself to a 1.5 pound steak for breakfast. As it turns out, I woke up my liberal neighbors when I did this, since it was 5 AM and I go to work everyday. On my way to work in my evil conservative gas-guzzling SUV hatemobile, I filled my tank with the high test. I decided to take the long way to work after that, without wearing my seatbelt, hoping to pollute as much of the fucking atmosphere as possible. I even left 'er running while I was at work. On the way home, I stopped off at the biggest corperation I could, Wal-Mart, and bought a case of shells for my shotgun. No, I don't have any real need for ammunition today, but if any liberals try to take away my rights today, I just might.
Let's all take a moment to appreciate what happened today at noon. Just imagine if Kerry had won the election. We'd be fucked. It would be like asking Billy Joel to be your kids' school bus driver. Just plain stupid. And for those of you pretending not to know what I mean:
Living in this country is sort of like quarterbacking a football team. You have a choice between two guys to snap the ball to you and protect your ass. You can either have the guy from "Everybody Loves Raymond" (the one whose wife and mom bosses him around), or Vin Diesil. Thank god America picked the right one.

"Even I would make a better leader than Kerry!"

Why jesse and I are the way we are

2005-01-18T17:19:00.000-05:00

hey, im not such a bad guy

WTF is aljazeera anyway. does anyone actually read that shit for it's news? of course if we're blowing people away over there, they're gonna be pissed. look at the fucking site i got the picture from. I seriously don't think they know any planes ran into any buildings over here. Not like they don't acknowledge it...i seriously don’t think they know it happened. and look at some of these comments! LOFL! all the shit we need to stop, or all the people we're fucking up they put quotations...'terrorism', 'war on terror', 'threat of global terrorism'. I think, fuck that, I know these guys are fucking retarded. Listen, just cause they report "what someone else said" doesn’t make them unbiased, its what they choose to report. this holds true with pretty much every form of news. No, im not gonna go all crazy with this media elite shit or how liberals run the press, cause we already know that. I'm trying to show examples of how fucked up this is in general, and this aljazeera shit kinda sparked it off.

When i say choose to report, that also means how many similar stories, or what stories they choose to run. I remember specifically during the political campaign they showed john kerry doing a live speech on CNN... i can't remember for who but its unimportant cause he lost anyway. I know he did some stuff during Vietnam on an aircraft carrier for a month or two way the hell out of the way from any combat...but he was talking about his swift boat stuff, nothing specific, just the fact he did it. I think he only did like 2 months. the BEST thing about this coverage is he was actually in Vietnam December of 68 to January of 69, two months, and the caption on the bottom of the screen said "john kerry's swift boat tour: 68-69"

2 fucking years? oh yeah, that reminds me. when my kid was due a few Februarys ago, i remember the previous October i was telling people he was gonna be born in 2 years. and remember that time it took us a year and a half to drive to florida? oh man, it seems so current that the sox won the series, but i guess it was 2 years ago. Dildos.

If this is where you get your news, or you don’t think before you do anything, you should come to this site way more fuckin often, We'll give you all the shit you need to read. Oh! heres a start:

reading assignment 1 <---this is a fucking brilliant lib idea. You guys have some fucking masterminds

reading assignment 2 LOFL! go ahead, fuckin try that one!

reading assignment 3 D'oh! that backfired! maybe cause they took both the possible results and found out they shoulda been added together anyway.

reading assignment 4 This really fucking happened

Now the question, why are we like this?

The reason is simple. But it's easier if I put do it mathematically.
Imagine a number line. All liberal ideas represent the negative integers, and all republican ideas are the positive integers. Theres no connotation with the lib ideas and negative integers, so switch it if it makes you that upset. Lets assume now that extremities would be considered 5 integers in either direction. Now, if i were to give a little, adding a -5 to a, oh +3...would be...shit hold on.
yeah thats a -2, and that blows ass. zero and above is the only tolerable result.

"if you would tone down the language i would be very happy to put a link to your site".
"Unfortunately, some of your language is way too course for me to link to your site".
"although i agree with your views, you site contains offensive language that i do not support and publicize".

Were fuckin nuts to make shit normal.

MLK Day Update: Blacks Working Against Themselves

2005-01-18T10:52:00.000-05:00

I can't help but chuckle.

WTF!?
A lot of black people are fucked up. There. I said it. This may be a generalization, but most black folks I see are really working AGAINST racism. Fortunately for me, I have some reasoning behind my statements.
So blacks believe they are oppressed by whites. I'm not denying the history of slavery, segregation, discrimination, or any other historical facts. But I do deny that racism against blacks exists to the degree and in the manner that they say it does.
I have a few black friends. There aren't a whole lot in my neighborhood, but the ones I do know or meet I seem to get along with just fine. I dare say that I don't even recognize their color when interacting with them. It just isn't a big deal to me. I'm more into judging by deeds. The same goes for most whites that I know. Maybe it is just the way it is here in the Northeast, but around here, color isn't that big a deal.
But the message we get from black celebraties (i.e. rappers, actors, and many political figures) is the opposite. They make it out to be as though we still live in the 1950's.
Why can't I say 'nigger'? Not that I would really want to anyway, but blacks have made a huge deal out of whites using this word. But are they really that sensitive about it? Why have Black Leaders not demanded that the word Nigger be eliminated from rap Songs, comedians' vocabulary, and black movies? Some try to circumvent the ignorance by saying it's really pronounced "Nigga". They claim the intent is defined "as they determine" along with the race of the person who uses it. Black activists drool over the continuing verbal racial tensions. It feeds their personal agenda of corrupt power over the poor and ignorant. They'll continue to play the race card with the aid of the liberal media assholes.
Which brings me to the real source of racism: Liberals. Liberals will have you believe that blacks do not get a fair shake in life, and need federal assistance. But this is called Enabling. To have blacks believe this notion will only keep them from engaging in opportunities. Why aren't the black leaders solving or discussing some of the more pressing issues - Over 70% of Black children grow up without the daily instruction of a father? Many wind up on the streets in gangs and idolize drug dealers. And who is there to misguide them? Liberals. The black self-given disadvantage is just what liberals need to feel important. Now they can create programs of assistance and use Federal dollars to give blacks a sense that they can not survive on their own, without the liberals' help. Well, fuck that, amd fuck them.
There is a direct correlation between economic status and average life span. This means that blacks, who are disproportionately poor (with the liberals' help), tend to have shorter life spans, especially black males. The average life expectancy of a black male is roughly 68.6. The retirement age of Social Security is set under current law to eventually rise to 67. You do the math, it's a total shaft. Fucking liberals. The term for that is preditory lending.
Finally, using black culture to separate themselves from whites is not benefiting. Call it having pride in your race or culture, but I don't see how that will break down remaining barriers. It only enforces them. It sort of seems like a gesture of resentment toward whites. Racism is in its decline, and all this in-your-face black culture (bling, big pimpin', etc) for the most part comes across to whites as keeping the culture gap as wide as possible.

Poor and Oppressed

Despite the diamond earings, this man has been kept down by the white man

Allen Iverson has not had any opportunities as a minority.

I guess the question I have is, what are these guys trying to prove? I mean, at one point in time just about all blacks in America were slaves, all poor and downtrodden. Now, you generally STILL have most blacks being below the poverty line. But you have like the 2% of blacks who really grabbed life by the testicles and now they go around dressed in $200,000 rabbit costumes drinking Krystal for breakfast, flying around in helicopters with 20 inch rims. It's hard to take them seriously. We get it, you aren't slaves. You're rich. What I don't get is if there is a deeper message. With that, I'll leave you with the link to the site that really made me laugh my ass off. PIMP CUPS, SILLY FUR COATS, AND TOUGH-GUY EXPRESSIONS, LOL
click HERE for some examples of reverse racism

Adam 1, Stupid Liberal 0

2005-01-17T21:31:00.000-05:00

I had to post this, it was a comment by a liberal reader regarding "Parenting, FUCK YEAH!", and the subsequent rebuttal by Adam.

At 2:34 PM, t-bone said...
Interesting take on things here. I have a critique and a question:

I feel like talking about this since I am definitely the master of seeing parenting at its finest, and at its worst.When making a statement like this, please establish for us, the readers, what exactly gives you the "master" status. It could possibly go a long way towards driving your subsequent points home.

My questions regard your meanings behind the following statements:
Fortunately we can learn 2 valuable lessons from this. One is, if you’re a 12 year old kid, don’t do stupid shit we‘ll fuck you up.Is the "we" that's learning the valuable lessons the 12 year old kid, or the "we" that'll be doing the fucking up of the 12 year old kid? I wonder only beacuse you are apparently passionate about this subject, as its writer, and I know you probably want your point to get across to me, the reader.

and... . Second, keep your 12 year olds away from me cause I wouldn’t want you to have to kill them later.Do I have to ask? It sounds like I may have to kill my theoretical 12 year old because you are going to fuck him and/or her. Please don't fuck my kids, Mr. Mailman, sir. Or any other children for that matter. They do bad things to child molesters in jail, and we need all the truth-speaking people like yourself out on the streets as we can get.

your friend in christ,
t-bone

At 8:32 PM, Adam said...
Well T-bone, I appreciate the time you took to add some comments. This blog has not been up that long and we don’t know much about computers and blogs and shit so please bare with us for the next few weeks. I never really got around to filling out a profile, but you’re right, having something like that might help. We put an option to post comments about the blog, but the draw back is I don’t really give a shit what you have to say, or at least catering to your needs, “as you, the reader“. I’ll probably never fill out a profile. Needless to say, I’m a parent and I’d f my kid up if he did something like that at 12, and I’d fuck your kid up for you if they were involved as well. And the joke is, keep your 12 year olds away from me so I wont fuck them. But now id like to fuck you. Seriously, There nothing that turns me on more than liberals that don’t understand jokes, or think the best type of humor is rhetorical questions. You dildo. You’re the type of dude id smash a beer bottle over his head while you attempt to confuse me with claptrap bumper sticker slogans, or try and find out why I’m stabbing you with glass without retaliating. And if you're a girl, then that wouldnt happen, but you should stop talking. Theres nothing that turns guys off more than a chick who thinks shes smart. I’m also glad to see you’re a religious person as well. Unfortunately, my god, Zeus, thinks you’re a fag. Being a republican gives me the option to worship whoever I want, and I don’t blame reasons for political ideas or sides on religious agenda and confuse that with common fucking sense. Republicans might be more violent, but at least we know the repercussions of our actions, where liberals think theyre invincible. Thank you for the post. I hope to hear form you soon, and keep that constructive criticism coming!

That had to hurt.

Parenting, FUCK YEAH!

2005-01-15T15:10:00.000-05:00

tough love

I guess ill just get right to the point here. I found this article yesterday. It happened in Alabama back in November but they pretty much got all the facts now. I feel like talking about this since I am definitely the master of seeing parenting at its finest, and at its worst.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,144454,00.html

If you don’t want to read it, the abridged version is that a mother sat on her daughter and poured bleach down her throat for losing her virginity at the age of 12. I looked everywhere for this story and FOX was the only one at the time that said ANYTHING about the motives of the mother, I.E. killing her for fucking someone. But then again this is FOX, so it can’t be true.

There’s only two things that went wrong here. First was the mom wasn’t being an anti-drug or some shit because she wasn’t finding out where her kid was. This is much like the argument “its your own damn fault for letting your kids sleep over at Michael Jackson’s house”. Second thing that went wrong is that she poured bleach down her throat and sat on her all in the same night. I would’ve spread the beatings out over the course of a good week or two and added some more things in like hitting her with a chair or running her over with a car. For fucks sake the kid weight 240 pounds, a month without eating should have been fucking mandatory.

Why is this so awesome? Cause parenting is back motherfucker. No, she didn’t have to kill her about it, but you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. Actually, open a few cartons of egg beaters - egg substitute and watch that kid's cholesterol intake. If this kid didn’t die, and the mother didn’t go to jail, this wouldn’t have even been worth talking about. No one would fucking care. Kids get beat all the time but they just take the kids away if the beatings are too harsh, and then make an example out of the parents for not giving them Ritalin first. Then everyone just becomes a statistic.

Fortunately we can learn 2 valuable lessons from this. One is, if you’re a 12 year old kid, don’t do stupid shit we‘ll fuck you up. Second, keep your 12 year olds away from me cause I wouldn’t want you to have to kill them later.

Attn: War Protesters Re: Lick My Bag

2005-01-15T08:12:00.000-05:00

Fucking war protesters. The weakest of the weak. Let's all take a moment to shit on them and their deep and profound demonstrations. Take a deep breath, liberal activist peaceniks- this may be slow and painful. Remember to shift your weight so you don't lose circulation.
For starters, you liberals don't know anymore about war than you know about how to braze steak tips. More times than not, if someone runs up to debate a war protest group, you people gang up and shout slogans and and anti-Bush euphamisms. You rant a bunch of garbage that you saw on Farenheit 9/11. Your entire arguments are based on heresay, conjecture, and rumormongering. I've seen you people in action; you guys look like homeless lunitics. I will say that my city had a lone protester that stood out front of the library for like three months straight holding up a piece sign. I drove by and beaned him with trash from my truck atleast a dozen times over that period. I wasn't being malicious, I was just encouraging him to do something constructive with his time. Maybe even go in to the library.
More discussion on the fact that war protesters are total jerkoffs:
The overwhelming majority of people protesting Iraqi freedom consists of impressionable youths. I would generalize them as 15-25. In other words, America's inexperienced are trying to get your attention because they know everything. These are the same pack of tards that supported Kerry because they think we need to be "respected in the world." Well guess what. America doesn't need to be governed by the views of foreigners.
"But Jesse, aren't you forgetting that there were no WMDs, which was Bush's whole premise on invading Iraq?" YOU FUCKING DILDO. If you had a trashbag full of crank that you had just cooked up in your basement, would you hide it on your property? Chances are you would bury it in your grandmother's backyard before inspectors/cops came by. But here's a hint: The weapons are buried in Syria.
Finally, do you think that all this criticism for every move that the troops make reminds them how much we appreciate them? I mean, they wake up and go to work and hope nobody drives up next to them and blows them up. You wake up and don't go to work, instead going downtown to meet a bunch of hippies and drink coffee, make noise, and hold signs with misspelled words. You people are embarassing, you fuck up the otherwise nice cityscape, you slow up traffic for those that are afraid to run you over, and you cannot debate.
The most common arguments from war protesters:
Q:"Wouldn't you rather have peace than war?" A:Would you rather have more terror attacks? You ungrateful little bitch.
Q:"This is a war for oil!" A:No it's not, Alaska has all the oil reserves we need.
Q:"Haven't we lost enough troops?" A: With war brings casualties. The couple of thousand US troops that have been killed is a fraction of the 25,000 dead in the Revelutionary War. Or the nearly 1,000,000 in the Civil War. Or the 400,000 in WWII. So far, this war is turning out to be one of America's best tactically fought wars in its history. What we need is more protester casualties, or atleast more woundings.
It's a good thing you have the 1st Amendment protecting your total assholery, but I am still going to throw Snapple bottles and full hot coffees out my window at you people. Support the troops.

I THOUGHT I ASKED YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!I THOUGHT WE WARNED YOU HIPPIES TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

You have the right to remain silent. You want to meet Mr. Stick?
THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP!

You're fucking kidding me

2005-01-12T01:41:00.000-05:00

No essay or analogy here, just some thoughts that crossed my mind in the past week.
After the Christmas season working at the post office, I counted my tips and started writing out thank you cards to the people who were kind enough to leave me some cookies or a couple bucks in their mail box. I was looking at the addresses and I received tips 9 republicans, 1 democrat, and 3 undecided. I don’t quite understand, considering how crazy liberal the town I work in is. And the families on my route don’t know anything about me except the car I drive and maybe my name. And about knowing political preferences of people (p-p-p-p-pffffpffp), mail carriers know everything, don’t fuck with us.
Most importantly, I already got 3 complaints about this site, not even after a half of a week. So, A) eat shit, and b) eat shit. The same shit I apparently put in your cereal, eat that. We might not even agree with anything we put in here, we could be raging fucking democrats for all you know. 52% of America probably agrees with us over you, so cry about it. Make your own site.
And finally, I was wondering what the deal is with these truth commercials about the kids, who can’t even buy butt’s yet, fuckin’ vandalizing shit and stopping traffic to tell us were going to die. I don’t remember a pack that didn’t have a surgeon general warning on it, and if you asked a smoker if they were good for you, I highly doubt they would say “fuck yeah“. But thanks anyway for protecting us from ourselves, since our lack of personal restraint is easier to deal with when we blame the people who gave them to us.

A STUDY OF HAMMERHEAD SHAPED PENISES AND THEIR RELATION TO LIBERALS

2005-01-11T16:45:00.000-05:00

So I was in my basement all morning working in the Analogy Lab that I have set up. After two weeks of laborious experiments and tests, I have finally done it! I HAVE PROVEN MY HYPOTHESIS THAT BEING A LIBERAL AND HAVING A HAMMERHEAD SHAPED PENIS ARE THE SAME THING. And I only set my lab coat on fire twice. I submit for you the 'Hammerhead weiner theory'.
Both Liberals and Weiners Shaped Like Hammers Possess the Following Qualities.
1. Both can exist, but neither really can seem to function as they are intended.
2. No two liberals are even remotely similar, and grotesquly deformed genitals are the same way.
3. Liberals are generally pissed off because they don't have any direction. Hammershaped penises piss off in any direction.
4. Liberals always claim they don't get a fair shake in life, Hammerhead penises are nearly impossible to shake fairly.

FUCKING LIBERALS SUCK, ACT V, SCENE II

2005-01-11T14:35:00.000-05:00

Withdrawls from fuckin' Liberalism.

The setting is a basement of a church somewhere in Anytown, USA. A few people sit in a circle, one person is making coffee. The mood is somber.

Group leader: Everyone, welcome this evening to 'L.A.' and thank you and your higher powers for coming. To start, I want to point out we have a new person with us tonight. Would you like to introduce yourself?

New Guy: Hi, everyone. My name is John, and I'm a liberal.

Group: Hi, John.

Group leader: John, would you like to say anything to the group about yourself?

New Guy: I started dabbling with liberalism about a year ago. First a friend made me watch some CBS news. Then soon enough, I was getting involved in war protests and stuff. Finally about a week ago I hit rock bottom and married my friend Stan. I'm so ashamed.

Group leader: I'm so sorry to hear that, John. (gets up and hugs the new guy) I'm glad you are here taking your first step toward recovery. We are here because we recognize that we have an uncurable desease, but we are seeking treatment.

A college-aged male with an Abercrombie shirt raises his hand.

Twentysomething liberal: Hi, I'm Don, and I'm a liberal.

Group: Hi Don.

Twentysomething liberal: I've been seriously depressed lately. I mean seriously fucking depresssed. Wait, can I say fucking?

Group leader: Yes you may, Don. Recovery from liberalism means you are now free from censorship. Proceed.

Twentysomething liberal: Thanks. I've been so... blah lately. I've been craving foodstamps all day. I should be over it by now, I've been liberal free for almost three days now.

Group leader: The cravings for welfare will subside in time, Don. Try taking your mind off of the welfare by perhaps getting a job. You will be suprised how rewarding that can be.

Older gentleman in flip flops raises his hand.

Old guy: Hi. I'm a bit nervous, so bear with me. I'm Mark, and I'm a raging liberal.

Group: Welcome Mark.

Old guy: I've been liberal free for two years and five days.

Group leader: Congratulations to you and your higher power.

Old guy: Thank you. It hasn't been easy. Just yesterday I was at a neighbor's watching Fox News with him and in the corner of his house I saw that he had a gun cabinet with a rifle in it. I felt that urge coming on, you know, to tell him that he should not have that. But I held strong and allowed him to have personal rights. It's just so hard sometimes.

Group leader: Mark, I'm glad you were able to avoid liberalism. It's time to conclude now, and I want to remind everyone that if you feel these liberal urges creeping up, Don't hesitate to pick up the phone and call your sponsor. And remember how the evil desease of liberalism has ruined your lives and affected your loved ones.

AHA!

2005-01-10T13:23:00.001-05:00

Look at this. I want a Liberal to explain/make and excuse for this.
WHEN ENTERING THE FOLLOWING INTO GOOGLE:

Democrats stupid
(144 000 results)
Republicans stupid
(122 000 results)

Democrats idiots
( 30 600 results)
Republicans idiots
( 26 200 results)

Democrats retards
(6 140 results)
Republicans retards
(1 540 results)

Democrats cowards
(9 700 results)
Republicans cowards
(7 860 results)

Bush MUST have rigged the search engine.

2005-01-09T19:32:00.000-05:00

LIBERALS ALL GO FUCKING NUTS IN THE END

LIBERALS ARE WRONG -By Jesse

2005-01-09T18:40:00.000-05:00

I say the following with the goal of fostering liberty and with the promotion of freedom, regardless of if those in opposition perish by getting in my way.

Liberalism is the manifestation of fallistic thinking and the mental breakdown when displaying judgment. It is not up for debate whether Liberalism is a form of evil or simply an impairment of one’s mental faculty. I know it is the former. If the following seems rather abrasive or demeaning to Liberals in general, well, I don’t apologize because I wish them harm. I aim this verbal .50 calliber at you, common Liberal.

I will make this as simple as I can for you subhuman Liberals to make sense of why you should be put to death or at least physically punished. Liberals are the dregs of society because they seek to ruin society as the constitutional framers had set it up. The framers created a masterpiece in which civilians could seek all the liberty that they could handle. They created a government like no other; they took great pains to separate powers of branches so that no part of government could grow too large and tyrannize the people. They wanted the people’s freedom to be the priority. This freedom is a liberal’s arch enemy. Bit by bit, tax by tax, law by law, Liberals try to take your freedoms away. Liberalism in itself is WRONG. Don’t believe me? Fucking take a look at this then, hippy.

Let’s take some fundamental Liberal ideals and analyze how twisted and destructive they are. Name one. Welfare? Gay marriage? Taxation? Abortion?Large government? They are all outfuckingstanding ideas. How about welfare? How dare a liberal take money from me that I worked for, and decide how much and when to give it to someone I have not even met. That is stealing from me, and stealing is WRONG. Who are you to decide what is best for my paycheck? And who receives my monies? Someone who either doesn’t work or doesn’t work enough to be self sufficient. I don’t care that you have three kids and cannot find affordable daycare. I don’t owe you any of my money. You shouldn’t have had three kids, or you should have made better choices when finding someone to have kids with. Are you working 40 hours and barely making enough to survive? Need some of my paycheck for foodstamps? Fuck you, get a second job. Being a lazy douchebag is WRONG. Don’t punish me just because I work harder than you.

Gay marriage. Liberals are such fucking maggots. Marriage already has had a consistent definition for several millennia, you self-centered deviants. You are going to reinvent the wheel to your immoral liking? Look, gay people can’t even procreate a family. Do you need any other physical proof that this issue is a non-issue? If my state of Maine allows gays to marry in the future, I will shoot myself in the fucking face. Gay marriage is WRONG. Taxation? Again, that’s my money you greedy liberal thieves. Cut back on spending money on non essentials, like welfare and 4th grade sex education programs, you bitches. Rush once said that ‘no nation has ever taxed itself into prosperity’. He’s right, and again it shows that Liberals are WRONG and/or piles of shit.

Abortion. What a convenient form of birth control. Using abortion instead of abstinence or protection is WRONG.

The larger the government, the smaller your personal freedom. It doesn’t takea genius to understand this. Not having freedom is WRONG.

Finally I’d like to mention that Liberals thrive on bitching. Take NAACP. These fucking douches need racial tensions to exist! Think of it! They make their revenue on the very problems that they are supposed to be fixing. I’ve said it before, the NAACP is like some gigantic ogre that nourishes itself by eating its own piss and shit. Being hypocritical is WRONG.

In conclusion, Liberals are self-serving whiners that have no souls, and they are WRONG.

NICE CATCH YOU FUCKING DILDO!

WHY LIBERALS SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP -By Adam

2005-01-09T17:59:00.000-05:00

-
I only wish I had enough dexterity to type 600 pages worth of shit on everything liberals do. Unfortunately I am either too lazy, or the fact I don‘t get paid for typing essays doesn’t quite give me the motivation to do so. This isn‘t intended on shitting on them for the lack of coming up with a democratic candidate that isn’t plagued with thoughts of conspiracy theories, irrational face-boiling rants, or fuck…a vibrancy tank that’s constantly on E. No, this isn’t meant to shit on them for having the unsurpassed skill of confusing 20/20 hindsight as intellect. I realized not too long ago that liberalism…or the new term “progressives” make up a party of absolute chaos. And we don’t give a fuck. Why don’t we care? More importantly, should we? Let us discuss together.
I would like to first explain as to why they represent a party of chaos. Lets take 15 to 20 stereotypical subjects that fall under the umbrella of liberalism and put them in one room. These people would be representatives of issues such as pro-death, labor unions, redistribution of wealth, affirmative action, gay marriage… so on and so forth. Now if you take these people and told them to come up with one common ground, you could probably leave them in there for 3 hours and the best thing they could come up with is they don’t like republicans. Gays might not like abortions, or union guys might think the war rocks…there is no general concept, or even a goal they share. Its like rolling a snowball in winter and picking up shit along the way like sticks and leaves and rocks, but being in the comfort of your party of shit knowing you’re going to become a snowman. I am not denying the fact that some conservative take part in things like unions, or have approval of a few things that’s embodied in the misshapen mongoloid faction. The fact is all republicans, minus John McCain know the task that needs to be done, and we vote, knowing what issues take priority and what our candidate is going to do.
The only reason we care about liberalism is because it gets in the way. Being the masters of shifting responsibility and calling faults, Progressives do just the opposite of what their name suggests. Conservatives rarely if ever go to liberal websites to “see what the opposition is thinking”, if not just to get a good laugh. If you observe the ratio of lib responses to our opinions versus conservative rebuttles to fag ideas, it seems that libs have their tits twisted way more often, like we personally crapped in all their cereal for several consecutive days prior to the post. Its like they are a gluttons for punishment, as if they forgot that it hurt the first time they put their nut sacks in the mouse trap.
We don’t care for the most part because we already know what our non-chaotic agenda is. We have control over all 3 branches and you’re not included. Fucking get over it. You guys just exist, and we’ll take care of the rest. And you can do anything and everything you want to do! Bush is not going to go to your house, shine a light through your bedroom window, and tell you to remove your wiener out of someone else’s butt. You don’t need to worry. Abortion is not gonna become illegal, but you might have to check with your parents first now. And be thankful that if you’re quiet enough, you can grow weed in your place, and you wont have to worry about a grenade rolling underneath the foundation. Just understand that you can do and think whatever you want, and if you just fucking shut up about it in the first place, your problems will most likely go away.