FUCKING LIBERALS SUCK, ACT V, SCENE II

Withdrawls from fuckin' Liberalism.

The setting is a basement of a church somewhere in Anytown, USA. A few people sit in a circle, one person is making coffee. The mood is somber.

Group leader: Everyone, welcome this evening to 'L.A.' and thank you and your higher powers for coming. To start, I want to point out we have a new person with us tonight. Would you like to introduce yourself?

New Guy: Hi, everyone. My name is John, and I'm a liberal.

Group: Hi, John.

Group leader: John, would you like to say anything to the group about yourself?

New Guy: I started dabbling with liberalism about a year ago. First a friend made me watch some CBS news. Then soon enough, I was getting involved in war protests and stuff. Finally about a week ago I hit rock bottom and married my friend Stan. I'm so ashamed.

Group leader: I'm so sorry to hear that, John. (gets up and hugs the new guy) I'm glad you are here taking your first step toward recovery. We are here because we recognize that we have an uncurable desease, but we are seeking treatment.

A college-aged male with an Abercrombie shirt raises his hand.

Twentysomething liberal: Hi, I'm Don, and I'm a liberal.

Group: Hi Don.

Twentysomething liberal: I've been seriously depressed lately. I mean seriously fucking depresssed. Wait, can I say fucking?

Group leader: Yes you may, Don. Recovery from liberalism means you are now free from censorship. Proceed.

Twentysomething liberal: Thanks. I've been so... blah lately. I've been craving foodstamps all day. I should be over it by now, I've been liberal free for almost three days now.

Group leader: The cravings for welfare will subside in time, Don. Try taking your mind off of the welfare by perhaps getting a job. You will be suprised how rewarding that can be.

Older gentleman in flip flops raises his hand.

Old guy: Hi. I'm a bit nervous, so bear with me. I'm Mark, and I'm a raging liberal.

Group: Welcome Mark.

Old guy: I've been liberal free for two years and five days.

Group leader: Congratulations to you and your higher power.

Old guy: Thank you. It hasn't been easy. Just yesterday I was at a neighbor's watching Fox News with him and in the corner of his house I saw that he had a gun cabinet with a rifle in it. I felt that urge coming on, you know, to tell him that he should not have that. But I held strong and allowed him to have personal rights. It's just so hard sometimes.

Group leader: Mark, I'm glad you were able to avoid liberalism. It's time to conclude now, and I want to remind everyone that if you feel these liberal urges creeping up, Don't hesitate to pick up the phone and call your sponsor. And remember how the evil desease of liberalism has ruined your lives and affected your loved ones.