Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Year In Review

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At the end of every year, I enjoy looking back on the things that made the biggest impact on certain aspects of life. Some things can’t be ignored like chart topping albums, latest reality shows, and most importantly, what happened in my life. So due to the over abundance of events, I decided to give out official Libhater awards to the top performers in their respective categories. So without further hesitation, I give you the first installment of the 2005 Libhater Awards. If you notice, the award is a plaque, on top of a trophy, inside of a medal. This is some prestigious shit, so listen up.

Ugliest Chick
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The lead singer of Coheed and Cambria. She’s got such a pretty voice, And I like her hair, she just needs to lose a little weight and shave that shit around her lips. Runner up was Ashton Kutcher was runner up. Bizarre, Ashton is an awfully masculine name for a girl.
*If I hear one more review of this band being compared to Rush I’m gonna throw up.

Comeback of the Year
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Carrot top has always been sorta jacked, so this picture might not be as fake as I thought it was when I first saw it. You know what, it’s true. I don’t care even if you tell me it’s not. Props to him for staying out of the public and taking the time off to make himself absolutely awesome. Carrot top is my favorite comic ever.

Worst Band
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Wait a sec, I thought you guys were like 35 or 40 now, and you’re still wearing eye liner? Listen, you’re not helping America. In fact, All you’re really doing is becoming less punk and tricking the youth of America into thinking they can all be rock stars, which would in turn make people who didn’t have a band like me, popular. You can’t always do what you want, and you definitely can’t tell that many people to fuck the system cause then no one will have money to buy your shitty music. Supply and Demand. If you’re gonna get old and refuse to sit out as the pop train picks up passengers, you might wanna take some hints from Henry Rollins and get an education, play the music that’s actually good, and keep some dignity in the process.
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I will have to say that Henry Rollins is the only celebrity Lib that I’d actually like to hang out with, mostly because If I said I didn’t want to, he’d probably come to my house and beat me up.
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alright, next:
Almost Cool but not quite
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Does this guy even act in his films? It seems like he’s just…talking like he would to anyone else. I guess he’s a natural talker. Okay, so he talks like a retard on the family guy, great range. I’m convinced.

Dumbest Idea for a game, still.
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Getting laid is overrated anyway.

People are still playing this fucking game. Just cause I can hurdle a fence in a cow pasture doesn’t mean I’m ready for the Olympics. Maybe the 3000 dollars of your moms money could’ve gone into dance lessons instead of teaching yourself how to river dance. You guys see the commercial for the video game rentals where a guy in his girlfriend are reading off titles like “lets count sand” and “lets wait in line”. I could’ve sworn I saw a title in there that said “lets step on squares”. Fuck yeah. I’m sure Bruce Lee limited himself to only 8 squares when trying to destroy someone in three moves. I’m still waiting for “Write Write Institution” where you sit in a desk and you have to write an essay to the tempo of getting hit by a ruler, or “Smell Smell Flatualation” where you stand in front of a vent and try to not pass out. If you’ve been to the Boston Museum of Science than just try to think of that god awful exhibit in the basement where they blow the animal odors at you to get a sense of what it’s really like to be there. The only pro I’ve found to this game is a story on the news where this chick lost 50 pounds playing this game, but she was still gross. Come to think of it, everyone I’ve ever heard or seen play this game looks like an ugly tree victim.

If you still don’t get it, I worked in the lab for a while hoping to make an analogy even you could understand.
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If this is the standard for how dancing can be acquired, then they should dumb down and give me a free pass with other social interactions, like I should be able to take my wiener and hit a chick in the face with it. Instead of getting slapped maybe next time they’ll say “Wow, you must’ve been playing Dink Dink Slapitation“. 2/3 of the DDR’s title it a lie, and revolution is kind of giving it way too much credit.
*I was just informed that DDR only has 4 squares to jump on, which makes 4/3 of DDR’s title a lie.
Yes, 133% of it is Bull Shit.

That’s all for this installment, more coming next week, plus a great story about an old guy who only had to drive 3 miles from his friends house, back to his own…and got lost and hasn’t been seen since.

Your Music doesn't Suck, You Do

With my brother slacking on adding to this site (probably because he's too busy sitting in his recliner bitching), I am now taking it upon myself to direct this vehicle of hate and rage in a new direction.
I've decided to add a new dimention to this site. While in the past we have decimated all opposition on the topic of liberal incompetence, I feel the stage is now set for me to discuss other issues. More specifically, I am going to make fun of the music you like. Music is something that defines your character, and if I can criticize it, hopefully you will make the connection that I am criticizing you as a human being, as well.

Country Music.

Okay, this is just pure shit. It makes any sane person's ears bleed. The reason that country sucks is that all the songs are exactly the same. All songs are so depressing I'd rather have a jellyfish in my shorts than to have my day ruined by some cowboy with hurt feelings. All songs have that ever-present extruciating fiddle in the background. All songs have one of three subject materials:
1. My Wife Left Me (Time Fer Some Drinkin')
2. I'm Leaving My Husband
3. I Miss My Wife (Time Fer Some Drinkin')

The only way you could possibly enjoy this frothy diarrhea is if your brain is pickled with tooth-rotting moonshine, you fucking gultch.
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Everyone who isn't a moron knows that this shit is made specifically for rednecks. Rednecks aren't inherently bad, they just aren't good, either. Something about the uneducated, non-directioned, ignorant inbred just doesn't help give me hope in America's future.

Hip Hop.

Now this shit has no place in the New World. I have a real problem with this fucking crap because there are no guitars in it, and you need guitars to make music. Listen, if I made you french fries without using potatoes, you'd say 'what the fuck? What's with this plate of oil and salt?' And then you'd get the point. In fact, I want you to go make a thermos of salt-oil that you can sip the next time you are in your car and chillin' to Beyonce. If you are going to be an ignorant cunt with music, you might as well be ignorant in all ways.
And what's with Fat Joe? He's a stupid dressing no talent fuck. Now let's all rush out and throw money at him. He is porky pig's son. Why didn't I think of it first, naming myself after an erection and stalking J-lo.
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One Metric ton of Fertilizer, 14 grams of Yankee hat

Emo. (sadcore)

Easily the most insignificant of all the genres. I love these Emo people, because they already have a headstart on feeling like shit; they don't need me to tell them. But I will. Until very recently, I didn't even know there was such a thing as 'emo'. I was simply under the impression that there were just an influx of nerdy little depressed teenagers everywhere, which I was completely comfortable with, since it gave me constant reason to chuckle. However, it turns out this is a fad, which means it is linked to liberalism.
It turns out that all this shit is simply typical crappy teen poetry that somehow leaked its disgusting filth into our radios. Slowly rock music began to turn all heartfelt and whiney, and I realized this was just a ploy for mediocre kids to get attention.
Here's an IM conversation I intercepted on the internet (note the need for drama)
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: omg my gf just left me
acidburnedsoul: that sux man
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: i blame myself only i'm such an ass *cries*
acidburnedsoul: dude come over to my house and we can cut ourselves together
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: okay *cries*
acidburnedsoul: omg dashboard confessional has a new cd, i preordered it already
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: dude they're my favorite band to self-mutilate to
acidburnedsoul: i prefer to cut myself while watching Napoleon Dynamite on my bigscreen
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: dude that movie is so deep. i cry every time i see it
acidburnedsoul: me too. i hate myself
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: yeah we're such tortured souls, nobody understands how hard life is for us
acidburnedsoul: yeah we got it tough dude. pass the tissues

What a bunch of estrogen filled pussies.
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Kill these people before they try kill themselves


It's hard to even say that term without pausing to giggle. I know, you can't decide if you want to listen to slayer or backstreetboys, so let's just compromise and listen to something exactly in between. It seems you don't want to rock too hard so as not to offend anyone around you, yet you want to send the message loud and clear that you rock the heavy shit. Nothing says testosterone like being a moped kind of guy in a motorcycle world. I mean, if you are going to try to piss off your parents with your rebellious music, why not start listening to the vengeful and bloodthirsty sounds of limp bizkit.
And if you are starting your own band, remember: You may only play a 7 string Ibenez even though you won't be playing a guitar solo. Ever.
Here's the blueprint for all of the NuMetal songs:
So here's the blueprint: start with a nice processed drumbeat for 8 bars. then come in with big, fizzing, power chords. Take the guitars down a notch and allow your buddy to rap in an unimaginative fashion. This is all part of the plan. The slightly drab verse builds up and before you know it you're upping the stakes, pulling out the stops, and hitting the kids with the huge angry chorus, instruments thrashing wildly, vocals wailing, and the tune with a hook as infectious as herpes. Maybe your pals can shout behind you a bit here, to give your anger more authenticity. This whole process should then be repeated, and followed by a bridge that's a bit shouty. Then repeat chorus until only the most stupid of people won't be able to recite it back.
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What used to take four people, now takes six.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Can Someone Please Tell Me What The Fuck Is Going On

With the Yankees in the off season, I've had more time to observe just how fucked society is getting. It seems that during the baseball season I had become so distracted and oblivious to the actual patheticness and mind-numbingly pitiful interests of the rest of the world. So since you are still reading, you obviously want me to tell you about what I've noticed in the world lately.

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Can someone please tell me why Hillary Duff is a celebrity? Is she a fucking singer? Is she a fucking actress? Why do I keep hearing about her? Don't get me wrong, there is nothing I love more than a girl built like a 12 year old boy. But I still don't know why she is famous.

Large Penis Support Group. Okay, usually I am too busy getting drunk to be concerned with the goings on of dudes with enormous wieners. However, stumbling upon this organization's website just shook me to my very bowels. This whole time I've been so ignorant of the plight and constant hardship of guys with gigantic wieners. I mean it's such a terrible debilitating infirmity that they have to have to have meetings and shit. I bet they envy me for having a wiener that is perfect for dialing a rotary phone with.

Reality Show about Gorillas.
While you've been having sex with your pillow every night, pretending that it's a real girl, I've been trying to pretend that reality TV hasn't taken over the universe. But it turns out that it has, and this new series proves that we are now fucked. Just thinking about the ensuing riveting drama makes me stop what I am doing and masturbate furiously.

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Extreme Rock Paper Scissors. The original game was bad enough, only being played by wishy washy liberals when deciding who's turn it is to go down to the store to buy the slimjims and mountain dew code red with their foodstamps. If you're freakish enough to be able to play this new game without having to look at the legend, you might as well humiliate yourself on a national level and get a giant face tattoo like Mike Tyson did.

Faggity-ass MySpace people.
Here's the harsh reality: Nobody likes you. Not only that, nobody that knows you gives a shit that you like the mocha espresso at starbucks, and as a stranger, I will not give a shit about it either. Oh, how clever, you figured out how to pipe in 'Lean Back' for me to listen to as I get a glimpse of your empty life. Please kill yourselves.

Nerdy/Trendy Chicks/Hookers.
I know you are still finding yourself, and maybe you will find her while having sex with everyone you meet. Those glasses make you look like a retard. Face it, you are not hot like the chick on american pie. I know they go well with your replica Atari lunchbox, but the combination of the two just makes for interesting overload. Most people can only take you with one interesting accessory at a time. Nice Judas priest t-shirt. I'm sure you were a huge fan of theirs back when they were at their prime, when you were like 3. In my day, your types were known as ravers, and got the shit kicked out of them. The world has grown soft, I tell you.

Cellphone mania.
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This asshole is stuck in the stone age with me, and I'm comfortable with that. My cellphone is such a piece of shit that I have to squeeze the screen in an exact place to read it. I have to team up with a buddy to call people and check out is who is calling me because I don't have three hands. My roommate has a cellphone that watches football with him and gives him a BJ after the game. I have to survive on Ramen noodles and his phone is hogging the stove making him prime rib. Fuck him and his phone and fuck you too.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Just because you're gay doesn't mean you know anything about the economy.

Man recovering from burns after costume fire

A Lisbon man is recovering from burns after his Halloween sheep costume caught fire at a Halloween party.

An investigator with the state Fire Marshal's Office said Kenneth Daigle Jr., 28, created a sheep costume to wear to a party by gluing about 1,800 cotton balls to a pair of long underwear.

Chris Stanford said that the cotton balls burst into flames at about 2 a.m. Sunday when Daigle brushed up against someone's cigarette while in the garage at a party in Greene.

Daigle told officials he watched as the fire spread from his right arm to the rest of his body in a matter of seconds.

Officials said Daigle suffered second- and third-degree burns to his hands, arms and thighs. He is listed in fair condition at Maine Medical Center in Portland, where he is expected to remain for several more days

Alright now that I got that out of the way…oh right:

Just because you're gay doesn't mean you know anything about the economy.

Listen Meow, I'd like to thank everyone who sent in E-mails and comments over every gay issue we've ever had. Because of this, I get to separate myself from Jesse's: "being gay is gross" campaign, so I can attack from the business standpoint of "I don't care if you're gay, just get out of the way". This is already ridiculous, but I'm about to put it in bite size pieces for you to understand.
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I'll read your findings Jesse, you just gotta let go of the bindings.

The origins of this post are a combination of Jesses last week post, and the election that’s coming up in Maine tomorrow. If you want to read all the issues, you can right here, but there's really no use. the issues can be summed up as "Would you like to not be able to make your own decisions regarding your personal views on gay/lesbians, and can we take a crap load of your money to fix shit we could've done ourselves? We were too busy raising your taxes and spending it on other crap". I'm going to focus on question one, since the other questions are waaaaay to boring to deal with right now.

Just staring at question one for more than 30 seconds tricks me into voting for something I didn't even want to. Let me get this straight - Do I want to REJECT the new law that would protect people from discrimination in employment, housing, education, public accommodations and credit based on their sexual orientation? - I figured the more CAPITOLIZING, underlining, italisizing and bolderizing I did to the text, the easier I could understand. It doesn’t help. As soon as i see the word "protect", it tricks me into thinking I'm already doing something wrong. Fuck that. I'm pretty sure I want to keep the right to make my own decisions, but it's worded so gay-ly that I can't figure out if I should vote yes or no.

Retards. First off, reverse discrimination is awesome. Thanks for making up a syndrome that we can just use against you. Kick and scream about being gay and not having whatever rights you don't think you have, and that just gives us more ammunition to launch back at you in the form of "You're discriminating against us for not letting us not like you, which we have just as much of a right doing as you do putting it in someones butt". I like how you can make laws over being a cry baby, or because people are big meanies.

I'll leave that stuff to my brother, the biggest issue that's been popping up around here is people using this question as a stepping stone towards gay marriage. All in all, the concept wouldn't be so terrible is you didn't fuck it up before it even became legal. You kids already have Civil Unions and you can't even do that right. Not to mention, I guess you guys can’t help but to kick the fuck out of eachother whenever you get the chance.

What does all this mean? Statistically, the gay and lesbian community can't even stay in a relationship for longer than 2 or 3 years until they reach like 40. The reason? Who the fuck knows. I have about 8 billion theories, but all I can tell you is that it's not my fault. I probably would not mind legalizing marriage for them, if they would also propose that divorce would be illegal. Where am I going with this? Why do I care if they get married? In my own little tiny few acre world, looking out the window, It doesn't affect me one bit. But the second I try to go get a loan, chances are...I'm fucked.

Follow me here. If you took an economics class, this wont be hard for you at all. I'm going to try to use something most of us can understand, being car insurance. For most companies, if you're married, they assume certain things like multiple cars, combined income, and the possibly of offspring that will also be included on the policy. For these reasons, this insurance company can offer a discount on the agreement. Statistically, this is a safe bet for ACME insurance because the odds are in their favor that they will be paid on time, and the odds are good that they will keep the policy for an extended period. The same company has a same sex couple come in and apply for the same insurance. The rate isn't the same? What the fuck?! "Just because we're gay doesn't mean we don't drive a car". That's very true, but statistically, they can't gamble on giving you this rate if you're just going to get a divorce next year. It's extra work, you have to sign up for 6 month or 1 year programs in most instances, and it's just not a circumstance that any normal business owner would want to participate in.

How can facts be discriminatory? You're the ones doing it to yourselves. Get your shit together and maybe people will take you more seriously. If you don't understand yet, I've included some pictures to help.

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"This is fuckin’ stupid! This company is being a bunch of age-sists. Just because being under 25 doesn't mean I'm gonna get in an accident."

No, it does. Out of everyone that I know that has a license, every single one has been in an accident. It would be financial suicide to have lower rates for 20 somethings if statistically, we crash cars all the fucking time.

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"GOD! I just lost $4000 on my team! They shouldn't even have the under picks if they're destined to lose."

You're right Libs. Vegas shouldn't exist either. They make those odds so they can make a profit, knowing the chances are, that team is not going to win.

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"I can't even sit on a couch or drive a car without killing myself. Because of this, I should be in charge of transportation and comfort laws in this state".
Why leave this guy in charge of anything that he can't even handle. I'm suprised breathing hasn't gotten the best of him yet. If you read that second link, it also mentions that he broke three of his ribs just getting the newspaper.

I'm dumbing this down more and more in hopes you're going to understand why you can't bet on things that are destined to fail. I got one more for you.
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"Ah yes….I have no hands and I'm calling in regards to your secretary job."
Not only should discrimination be legal, it should be manditory.

I am not saying they're pushing the legalization of marriage for the sake of benefits, but if they're this concerned about discrimination and it's not legal, little things like this will be the nit picky crap that will only fuck things up more. You have to think long term, not just because it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside now.

Money makes the world go 'round, not feelings. Thanks for nothing Lennon. Just because something feeeeeeeels good, doesn't mean it's going to help anyone but yourself. Im not going to run the sanctity of marriage card, the affect of our kids in school card, but I will run the economics card any time I get the chance. Just because you're gay doesn’t mean you’re granted the automatic ability and know-how to run a business, unless it’s a smoothie shop or an art museum.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Liberals are slowly being extracted from the human population

I'd first like to say that it is great to be back. Now fuck off.
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Jesse works diligently in the analogy lab as his brother looks on

After months working tirelessly in the lab, I have uncovered new and overwhelming proof that gay people deserve all the shit that they get. That's right, I have found in my researching that discrimination and the general picking on of gay people is not only acceptable, it is actually a natural human tendency. The icing on the cake is that my theory was proven using Darwinian philosophy. Gay people are liberals, and liberals are evolutionists since they hate God, and evolutionists believe in Darwinism. So I used a gay peoples' faggity-ass reasoning on them. Beating them at their own 'gaym', if you will.

Chances are that you remember going outside during recess when you were a child. Probably you remember playing games with the other children. But things have changed since I was a little boy. The liberals have taken over the school systems and banned some of the games we played when I was young. One of the games those fucking whiners outlawed was called 'Smear the Queer'. It was AWESOME. The rules are simple, according to Hoyle's Official Rules.

Smear the queer is a rougher tag variant common among children. In this game, "it" is instead called "the queer" (the word is used in the sense of "homosexual" to contemporary players). The queer does not try to tag the other players; instead, he tries to avoid being tagged, or, more often, tackled (knocked down to the ground as roughly as possible).

Smear the queer is often played with an object such as a ball which is held by the "queer". Once the "queer" is tagged or tackled, he throws the object at another player. The other players then try to avoid the object, so as not to become the new "queer". Like other forms of tag, those who stay "it" (queer) the longest are considered the worst players.

And it looks a little like this:
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Remember to go for the pressure point

Oh and as a side point, the above picture came from this cutting edge research story in the UK. Shimply ex'shtrod'nry journ'lism, old chaps.

The point here is that children, who have not yet been infected with agenda-based grownup's mentality, are operating on instinct when they are away from the grownups. The games they play are along the same lines as the shit baby lion cubs play with each other when they are tiny and misleadingly adorable. Do you watch nature shows? Me neither but some how I know that adolescent animals roughhouse like this all the time to prove dominance, seek acceptability, and all that kind of instinctive experimental shite. And oh yeah, if one of the lion cubs was discovered by the others to exhibit some type of major difference between it and the others, you could bet that it would be the one singled out and fucked with on a regular basis. (As grownups, we cannot legally play Smear the Queer, because we are burdened by large liberal government with many laws.) That's how nature works. Natural selection. If you act in unacceptable ways, the others will kill you. I miss playing smear the Queer.

The whole natural selection thing that God-hating liberals believe in actually does have merit. Just look at the hurricane situation in the South. It was awesome! It helped weed out the true idiots of our species and punished many more lesser idiots. Chalk this up to evolutionary theory disposing of the bottom tier of human intelligence.

The local government called for an evacuation of New Orleans. Thousands of people who live in a city that is below sea level heard that call, shrugged, and said, "Fuck that. I think I will just chill where I am." Now they are paying the price of their liberal ignorance. It really pisses me off when I see some Katrina victim on the news say, "But all the buses going out of the city were full. We had to stay. We had no option!" FUCK YOU. It is called a "disaster" for a reason. If the buses are full, find another way out! Hire that old Creole bastard Francois Villeneux and his rowboat and get the fuck out! Do what you have to!

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This tree actually landed just feet from where this guy slept. Hard to believe this guy is even stupider than
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This non-planning jerkoff

There are always options. This is a perfect case of Darwinism revealing itself in modern day America. If you act like a dumbass, you might die. But oh we are supposed to feel sorry for Leroy Washington who claims he couldn't get on a bus out of town. Aww, not everything was provided to you? Poor fucking baby. With three days notice, you could have outwalked the storm, you fucking stupid dildo.

To sum up, liberals are slowly killing themselves off, which frees up a lot of time for people with skills.
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Liberals should know not to try to compete with such a well rounded actor as Wilson. They will get upstaged every time.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Liberals, Masters of Originality... P.S....Southpark is better than Family Guy

Yeah that’s right, I said it. Southpark is way fucking better than Family Guy, and you know it. I’m not saying Southpark is the best cartoon ever, those spots are reserved for Popeye, Ren and Stimpy, Simpsons, and possibly Beavis and Butthead. I’m also not saying Family Guy would be put right behind Southpark…what I am saying if SP were #4 on the best cartoons ever, FG wouldn’t hit the top the 10.
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remember the cartoons you could watch with your kids?

What the fuck does this have to do with anything? I’ll tell you if you just fucking chill out for a second. This all started when Comedy Central started the new season of South P and I TOTALLY forgot how great this show is. I enjoy Wednesdays because you get a new episode and then they started the new season of Drawn Together, which is a lot like FG in many respects. Anyway, being wicked excited about a new Wednesday night ritual, my friend decided to say something absolutely fucking retarded, and that being “Yeah…I like Southpark, but it’s not nearly as good as Family Guy”.
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Remember when this show used to be called the Simpsons? It was around the same time Linkin Park was called 311.

So after dropkicking him through the window, I set out to find other people who might of thought this way. There’s a lot of people that like Family Guy, and it’s understandable. The show is pretty funny. I mean, for fucks sake, 4 seasons is definitely long enough to solidify its right as the best cartoon ever. Oh sure! In fact, I support the fact cartoon network runs the all 4 seasons 30 times a day. Why the fuck not. I still can’t figure out if that British football shaped kid says “fuckin cry” or “laugh and cry” at the beginning. I’m sure you all want to correct me right now, but before you do, understand you’re just going to make yourself look like one of the libs I’m about to blow away.

Libs? Oh yeah. Here’s the connection. I’ve found that everyone who thinks Family Guy is better, is a Lib. Whaaaat? Oh yeah. All of them. And considering everyone is a Lib until they’re 20 anyway, comments are null and void if you’re under 21. Why, you may ask, is Family Guy the choice of Libs? I’ve boiled it down to one distinct reason, and that’s lack of originality.

South P is original. The way the animation was in the first place, and most of the topics are good too. Most original cartoon ever? Fuck no. But at least they’ll make good situations like Cartman attempting the Special Olympics, Center a whole episode around a couple who has asses where there faces should be, and they poke fun of current events, on a timely manner, not 20 years after they fucking happened ::cough cough family guy cough cough::
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No thank you, Chili makes us throw up

Listen, We all know Liberals are very un-original people. Much like the fact there’s no such thing as a conservative Rap artist. It would be commercial suicide and rappers tend to recycle older tracks, or borrow it from someone else. The whole mantra to make themselves (liberals) feel cool is to have a bunch of smaller groups that believe their own thing, and you’re not cool if you don’t get it. The drawback is, when all 400 groups that have their own cool thing are underneath one giant group, it makes you lame. You make yourselves the majority by combining the smaller groups…nice job. Way to stick it to the man. You guys are so original, that everyone is just like you.

Holy shit! Did you see that? The Kool Aid guy just busted through the wall! Oh Jesus, remember when we used to drink kool aid? Oh man! Adam West! HA HA HA! He used to be batman! Holy shit…that kid just got sucked into that video, you remember that video? Whoa, it’s like they took the same video but added that retarded kid in there. NO WAY! Was that just the Fonze? Did he said he the clap? Un-fucking-believable. Wait, was the an Oompaloompa? No way! Charlie and the Chocolate factory did exist at some point in time, so I guess that’s game to throw it in this cartoon.

Just because it happened, doesn’t mean you HAVE to use it in your god damn show. Try thinking up of your own ideas, instead of recycling old ideas to try to make them funny again. Sometimes it works, but not as a basis. The distinction between the two is Southpark = Classic, Family Guy = Cult Classic. You can lump a crap load of those cartoon network shows in there too, like anything underwater, anyone with wings, anything with a sword, and those guys in my happy meal. What the fuck is up with that show anyway? Is it soooo Bizarre and soooo different that it makes it cool? Alright, If Family Guy is Howard Dean, then I now label Aqua Teen the Art Funding of the democratic party. Howard, do whatever you want, say everything everyone already said, and people will like you. And Art Department…you guys are right, that is art, if you‘re high and/or retarded.

What else are they gonna make shows about? Or better yet, what else are they gonna rip off? If I’ve learned anything about adult swim it’s: Random Talking Food + Chinese eyes + Action lines + Recycled Humor = instant classic.
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I’m next on the list of cartoon ideas. Just make my eyes slanted.

Recap? Classic = Punch Drunk Love. “You’re so beautiful I just want to smash your face with a sledgehammer“. Cult Classic = Happy Gilmore. Oh shit he beat up Bob Barker!…remember that guy? He used to be on that game show! HOLY SHIT THAT’S FUNNY!!! I just tried watching that movie the other night and I remember it being funny when I was in 7th grade. So I’m expecting you 20 somethings to come to your senses when you’re about 35, and you finally part with your Brak show seasons 3 and 4 DVD’s.

All in all, three cheers for an absolute unoriginal party with an absolute unoriginal show. Have pride in the fact that the more numbers you have supporting something original, the less original you are.
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Monday, October 03, 2005

because you were wondering

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combining the two makes a lazy baseball fan.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

If I Were Christ, This Would Be My Like My 4th Coming

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Oh yes. Yes yes yes. I missed you. Did you know that? I did. I thought about you all the time. I’m sorry too. Even though I knew how important you were, I kept doing other things, and putting you off. It ate away at me, until I couldn’t take it anymore, but I’m back baby. I’m back, and I won’t leave you again, or at least for another few months. I love you Libhater, in Libhater we trust.

If you check back every once in a while, and found NOTHING was new for god knows how long, I apologize. I spent a good few months trying to put myself in a position where I would be consistently happy, and it worked. I wont be giving specifics unless you ask, so just take that as a valid excuse. My brother? Oh, he’s somewhere. He’s doing well just no internet anymore, and he’s looking for a better place to set up camp. In the mean time, fuck him. I’m running the show.

If you’re new to Libhater, let me give you a quick run down. My name is Adam. I enjoy orange juice with the pulp in it, drinking beer, and being unreliable to the people that I don’t like. The premise of the site is pretty simple. It’s not as much about politics as it is about common sense. Plenty of sarcasm, pictures, captions, and leaving comments only makes this place better. We’ve made people shut down their sites, launched assaults on other sites, and I’m pretty sure made a few peoples heads explode. My usual shtick is I pick a topic that, isn’t really a bad thing that’s going on, or a topic that I generally agree with, and then pick it apart as to why it sucks. The real humor comes from the people that don’t understand the sarcasm, and then come to the conclusion I support something stupid like killing immigrants or supporting rape. I don’t enjoy picking apart current events because then it just turns into red vs. blue, or just sounds like the regular crap you can hear on talk radio. So unless if I can come up with a better spin, I won’t even bother.

I would like to say something about the hurricane real quick. Old news, yeah, but aside from the fact it sucks what happened, I came to 2 conclusions. One is, Katrina is such a sexy name for a hurricane, and unless the hurricane gave everyone an orgasm or only fucked their clothes up and went away, there’s really no reason to name it that. To my knowledge, most storms are regular names, and they are names is order of the alphabet, like they wont jump to R or X after this. I might be wrong, I dunno, but my proposal is not name the hurricane until it’s over with. It’s not like anyone’s not gonna know which fucking hurricane you’re talking about. “oh, THAT hurricane… I thought you were talking about that hurricane that happened 4 years ago”. We had a storm here…oh jesus like 10 years ago or something, named Hurricane Bob. Bob, yup. No power for like a fucking month and trees just all over the fucking place. Rednecks unite, I tell you. If you had a chain saw, you might as well have had the hand of God. But hurricane Bob!? I don’t even know any bobs, but I guarantee they don’t rip trees out of the ground and hurl them at my house.
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Holy shit guys, it's hurrcane Adam

After the storm leaves, we keep the idea of coming up with the next name in alphabetical order, but name it after what it actually did. I probably would’ve named it Hurricane Kock Face, or Hurricane Knot Good. Hurricane Kajun Krusher. Now, The other thing I gotta say is what is with these people and the government handouts. I understand money needs to be given to kick the economy back up, roads, transportation, build up commerce and get peoples lives moving and the income flowing again. What president or anyone with money to burn wouldn’t donate? What I don’t understand is why some of these people on the news are pissed off because Bush didn’t give them money and shit, as fast as he did.

What the fuck. Let me get this straight. You’re living in an area that chances are, you weren’t forced to live in. It wasn’t mandatory for you to live there. Your house gets crushed by, essentially something that was nobody’s fault, and you’re biggest concern is you aren’t getting free shit as fast as you want. Smooth. I think the pres did fine. The government is donating ass loads of cash, so chalk that up to that “compassionate conservatism” idea that you don’t understand. As well as millions of people, including myself, donating to the people who need it. Beggars can’t be choosers, unless it has to do with Bush, in which case the book goes out the window. That sound about right? You libs are charming.

I’m not being insensitive, and even if I were a little, it’s still not as ass-holish as the guy who made this picture:
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Now the real meat of this post is what I stumbled about here. http://www.menagainstdv.org/index.html

Ending domestic violence ends with my involvement? I thought not getting involved with punching my kids would be a much better idea. If you don’t want to read it, it’s a group of men who go on walks and parades and give out news letters, spreading the word that they don’t beat their wives and girlfriends, and they don’t think you should either. Really? I shouldn’t? Jesus, thanks guys. I guess I’ll put down this lead pipe and stop hitting my wife now. I thought it was a normal thing to knock your girlfriend around. Are you guys serious? Listen, there’s better ways of getting revenge on your significant other.

For instance, when my gf leaves her new box of tampons open on the floor, I don’t really know what to think. It’s a little tacky if you have company over, and I don’t know where to put them where in case of an emergency, they are still able to be found. Instead of kicking the crap out of her, I just took that little piece of warning paper off the top. You know that piece, it says “important instructions on toxic shock syndrome”. I scratch out the essay about TSS, and write in my new thing, so the end result says: “Warning: Leaving out new box of tampons lets boyfriend count how many have been used. Boyfriend does not want to keep track on the extent of your satanic flow today.” You see, beating your wife and writing a blurb like that are equally as humiliating, but one leaves a lot less bruises, and is a hell of a lot funnier.

I was gonna put a picture here but i was talked out of it.

Now that they have my attention, I guess I should donate money to them? If I don’t, will they go back to tossing around their loved ones? Do I support domestic violence if I don’t support the site? Are they threatening me? Should I call for help? I seriously can’t tell the difference between this website and something the newspaper doesn’t already tell me everyday.
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scream all you want, you're not gonna make me late to my AA meeting

Oh yeah, and i found this:
“If you are currently in an abusive relationship, please seek assistance by clicking ::here::. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 now.”
….”hi, 911? Yeah, my husband was wrapping my head off the computer screen while I was looking at this site, and I got your number off of it. Should I have called you first before looking for information on the net?”

Listen, it’s a noble cause, I understand what they don’t want you to do, and I agree. You get that? But I have a feeling that the cause is lost due to it’s obvious brain dead nature. It’s like having a site talking about how you shouldn’t stick your hands near the timing belt of a running car, or how fire is hot. My solution? We know theres instances of domestic violence everywhere, and it’s not cool, but find me someone, that beats the crap out of their kids and record them saying “Well geez, I thought when they cry that meant I wasn’t hitting them hard enough”. And if you do find that guy, give me his address and I’ll go club them for you. Something tells me that people who do that kind of thing aren’t gonna be “talked out of the situation”. Lets make a site where we take names to add to the shit list, or better yet, let’s just use this one and maybe we can help a few people.

Here‘s where I bring you full circle, Joe Torre is a big contributor to Men Against Domestic Violence. If you don’t know who Joe Torre is, he’s the manager of the Yankees, so I’m doing my part to tell you that as of Sept 22, Yankees are in first place in their division.
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Yankees nation.

It's good to be back. Let the arguments begin.

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