Can Someone Please Tell Me What The Fuck Is Going On

With the Yankees in the off season, I've had more time to observe just how fucked society is getting. It seems that during the baseball season I had become so distracted and oblivious to the actual patheticness and mind-numbingly pitiful interests of the rest of the world. So since you are still reading, you obviously want me to tell you about what I've noticed in the world lately.


Can someone please tell me why Hillary Duff is a celebrity? Is she a fucking singer? Is she a fucking actress? Why do I keep hearing about her? Don't get me wrong, there is nothing I love more than a girl built like a 12 year old boy. But I still don't know why she is famous.

Large Penis Support Group. Okay, usually I am too busy getting drunk to be concerned with the goings on of dudes with enormous wieners. However, stumbling upon this organization's website just shook me to my very bowels. This whole time I've been so ignorant of the plight and constant hardship of guys with gigantic wieners. I mean it's such a terrible debilitating infirmity that they have to have to have meetings and shit. I bet they envy me for having a wiener that is perfect for dialing a rotary phone with.

Reality Show about Gorillas.
While you've been having sex with your pillow every night, pretending that it's a real girl, I've been trying to pretend that reality TV hasn't taken over the universe. But it turns out that it has, and this new series proves that we are now fucked. Just thinking about the ensuing riveting drama makes me stop what I am doing and masturbate furiously.


Extreme Rock Paper Scissors. The original game was bad enough, only being played by wishy washy liberals when deciding who's turn it is to go down to the store to buy the slimjims and mountain dew code red with their foodstamps. If you're freakish enough to be able to play this new game without having to look at the legend, you might as well humiliate yourself on a national level and get a giant face tattoo like Mike Tyson did.

Faggity-ass MySpace people.
Here's the harsh reality: Nobody likes you. Not only that, nobody that knows you gives a shit that you like the mocha espresso at starbucks, and as a stranger, I will not give a shit about it either. Oh, how clever, you figured out how to pipe in 'Lean Back' for me to listen to as I get a glimpse of your empty life. Please kill yourselves.

Nerdy/Trendy Chicks/Hookers.
I know you are still finding yourself, and maybe you will find her while having sex with everyone you meet. Those glasses make you look like a retard. Face it, you are not hot like the chick on american pie. I know they go well with your replica Atari lunchbox, but the combination of the two just makes for interesting overload. Most people can only take you with one interesting accessory at a time. Nice Judas priest t-shirt. I'm sure you were a huge fan of theirs back when they were at their prime, when you were like 3. In my day, your types were known as ravers, and got the shit kicked out of them. The world has grown soft, I tell you.

Cellphone mania.

This asshole is stuck in the stone age with me, and I'm comfortable with that. My cellphone is such a piece of shit that I have to squeeze the screen in an exact place to read it. I have to team up with a buddy to call people and check out is who is calling me because I don't have three hands. My roommate has a cellphone that watches football with him and gives him a BJ after the game. I have to survive on Ramen noodles and his phone is hogging the stove making him prime rib. Fuck him and his phone and fuck you too.