Your Music doesn't Suck, You Do

With my brother slacking on adding to this site (probably because he's too busy sitting in his recliner bitching), I am now taking it upon myself to direct this vehicle of hate and rage in a new direction.
I've decided to add a new dimention to this site. While in the past we have decimated all opposition on the topic of liberal incompetence, I feel the stage is now set for me to discuss other issues. More specifically, I am going to make fun of the music you like. Music is something that defines your character, and if I can criticize it, hopefully you will make the connection that I am criticizing you as a human being, as well.

Country Music.

Okay, this is just pure shit. It makes any sane person's ears bleed. The reason that country sucks is that all the songs are exactly the same. All songs are so depressing I'd rather have a jellyfish in my shorts than to have my day ruined by some cowboy with hurt feelings. All songs have that ever-present extruciating fiddle in the background. All songs have one of three subject materials:
1. My Wife Left Me (Time Fer Some Drinkin')
2. I'm Leaving My Husband
3. I Miss My Wife (Time Fer Some Drinkin')

The only way you could possibly enjoy this frothy diarrhea is if your brain is pickled with tooth-rotting moonshine, you fucking gultch.

Everyone who isn't a moron knows that this shit is made specifically for rednecks. Rednecks aren't inherently bad, they just aren't good, either. Something about the uneducated, non-directioned, ignorant inbred just doesn't help give me hope in America's future.

Hip Hop.

Now this shit has no place in the New World. I have a real problem with this fucking crap because there are no guitars in it, and you need guitars to make music. Listen, if I made you french fries without using potatoes, you'd say 'what the fuck? What's with this plate of oil and salt?' And then you'd get the point. In fact, I want you to go make a thermos of salt-oil that you can sip the next time you are in your car and chillin' to Beyonce. If you are going to be an ignorant cunt with music, you might as well be ignorant in all ways.
And what's with Fat Joe? He's a stupid dressing no talent fuck. Now let's all rush out and throw money at him. He is porky pig's son. Why didn't I think of it first, naming myself after an erection and stalking J-lo.

One Metric ton of Fertilizer, 14 grams of Yankee hat

Emo. (sadcore)

Easily the most insignificant of all the genres. I love these Emo people, because they already have a headstart on feeling like shit; they don't need me to tell them. But I will. Until very recently, I didn't even know there was such a thing as 'emo'. I was simply under the impression that there were just an influx of nerdy little depressed teenagers everywhere, which I was completely comfortable with, since it gave me constant reason to chuckle. However, it turns out this is a fad, which means it is linked to liberalism.
It turns out that all this shit is simply typical crappy teen poetry that somehow leaked its disgusting filth into our radios. Slowly rock music began to turn all heartfelt and whiney, and I realized this was just a ploy for mediocre kids to get attention.
Here's an IM conversation I intercepted on the internet (note the need for drama)
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: omg my gf just left me
acidburnedsoul: that sux man
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: i blame myself only i'm such an ass *cries*
acidburnedsoul: dude come over to my house and we can cut ourselves together
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: okay *cries*
acidburnedsoul: omg dashboard confessional has a new cd, i preordered it already
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: dude they're my favorite band to self-mutilate to
acidburnedsoul: i prefer to cut myself while watching Napoleon Dynamite on my bigscreen
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: dude that movie is so deep. i cry every time i see it
acidburnedsoul: me too. i hate myself
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: yeah we're such tortured souls, nobody understands how hard life is for us
acidburnedsoul: yeah we got it tough dude. pass the tissues

What a bunch of estrogen filled pussies.

Kill these people before they try kill themselves

NuMetal.

It's hard to even say that term without pausing to giggle. I know, you can't decide if you want to listen to slayer or backstreetboys, so let's just compromise and listen to something exactly in between. It seems you don't want to rock too hard so as not to offend anyone around you, yet you want to send the message loud and clear that you rock the heavy shit. Nothing says testosterone like being a moped kind of guy in a motorcycle world. I mean, if you are going to try to piss off your parents with your rebellious music, why not start listening to the vengeful and bloodthirsty sounds of limp bizkit.
And if you are starting your own band, remember: You may only play a 7 string Ibenez even though you won't be playing a guitar solo. Ever.
Here's the blueprint for all of the NuMetal songs:
So here's the blueprint: start with a nice processed drumbeat for 8 bars. then come in with big, fizzing, power chords. Take the guitars down a notch and allow your buddy to rap in an unimaginative fashion. This is all part of the plan. The slightly drab verse builds up and before you know it you're upping the stakes, pulling out the stops, and hitting the kids with the huge angry chorus, instruments thrashing wildly, vocals wailing, and the tune with a hook as infectious as herpes. Maybe your pals can shout behind you a bit here, to give your anger more authenticity. This whole process should then be repeated, and followed by a bridge that's a bit shouty. Then repeat chorus until only the most stupid of people won't be able to recite it back.

What used to take four people, now takes six.