Your Music doesn't Suck, You Do

With my brother slacking on adding to this site (probably because he's too busy sitting in his recliner bitching), I am now taking it upon myself to direct this vehicle of hate and rage in a new direction.
I've decided to add a new dimention to this site. While in the past we have decimated all opposition on the topic of liberal incompetence, I feel the stage is now set for me to discuss other issues. More specifically, I am going to make fun of the music you like. Music is something that defines your character, and if I can criticize it, hopefully you will make the connection that I am criticizing you as a human being, as well.

Country Music.

Okay, this is just pure shit. It makes any sane person's ears bleed. The reason that country sucks is that all the songs are exactly the same. All songs are so depressing I'd rather have a jellyfish in my shorts than to have my day ruined by some cowboy with hurt feelings. All songs have that ever-present extruciating fiddle in the background. All songs have one of three subject materials:
1. My Wife Left Me (Time Fer Some Drinkin')
2. I'm Leaving My Husband
3. I Miss My Wife (Time Fer Some Drinkin')

The only way you could possibly enjoy this frothy diarrhea is if your brain is pickled with tooth-rotting moonshine, you fucking gultch.

Everyone who isn't a moron knows that this shit is made specifically for rednecks. Rednecks aren't inherently bad, they just aren't good, either. Something about the uneducated, non-directioned, ignorant inbred just doesn't help give me hope in America's future.

Hip Hop.

Now this shit has no place in the New World. I have a real problem with this fucking crap because there are no guitars in it, and you need guitars to make music. Listen, if I made you french fries without using potatoes, you'd say 'what the fuck? What's with this plate of oil and salt?' And then you'd get the point. In fact, I want you to go make a thermos of salt-oil that you can sip the next time you are in your car and chillin' to Beyonce. If you are going to be an ignorant cunt with music, you might as well be ignorant in all ways.
And what's with Fat Joe? He's a stupid dressing no talent fuck. Now let's all rush out and throw money at him. He is porky pig's son. Why didn't I think of it first, naming myself after an erection and stalking J-lo.

One Metric ton of Fertilizer, 14 grams of Yankee hat

Emo. (sadcore)

Easily the most insignificant of all the genres. I love these Emo people, because they already have a headstart on feeling like shit; they don't need me to tell them. But I will. Until very recently, I didn't even know there was such a thing as 'emo'. I was simply under the impression that there were just an influx of nerdy little depressed teenagers everywhere, which I was completely comfortable with, since it gave me constant reason to chuckle. However, it turns out this is a fad, which means it is linked to liberalism.
It turns out that all this shit is simply typical crappy teen poetry that somehow leaked its disgusting filth into our radios. Slowly rock music began to turn all heartfelt and whiney, and I realized this was just a ploy for mediocre kids to get attention.
Here's an IM conversation I intercepted on the internet (note the need for drama)
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: omg my gf just left me
acidburnedsoul: that sux man
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: i blame myself only i'm such an ass *cries*
acidburnedsoul: dude come over to my house and we can cut ourselves together
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: okay *cries*
acidburnedsoul: omg dashboard confessional has a new cd, i preordered it already
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: dude they're my favorite band to self-mutilate to
acidburnedsoul: i prefer to cut myself while watching Napoleon Dynamite on my bigscreen
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: dude that movie is so deep. i cry every time i see it
acidburnedsoul: me too. i hate myself
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: yeah we're such tortured souls, nobody understands how hard life is for us
acidburnedsoul: yeah we got it tough dude. pass the tissues

What a bunch of estrogen filled pussies.

Kill these people before they try kill themselves

NuMetal.

It's hard to even say that term without pausing to giggle. I know, you can't decide if you want to listen to slayer or backstreetboys, so let's just compromise and listen to something exactly in between. It seems you don't want to rock too hard so as not to offend anyone around you, yet you want to send the message loud and clear that you rock the heavy shit. Nothing says testosterone like being a moped kind of guy in a motorcycle world. I mean, if you are going to try to piss off your parents with your rebellious music, why not start listening to the vengeful and bloodthirsty sounds of limp bizkit.
And if you are starting your own band, remember: You may only play a 7 string Ibenez even though you won't be playing a guitar solo. Ever.
Here's the blueprint for all of the NuMetal songs:
So here's the blueprint: start with a nice processed drumbeat for 8 bars. then come in with big, fizzing, power chords. Take the guitars down a notch and allow your buddy to rap in an unimaginative fashion. This is all part of the plan. The slightly drab verse builds up and before you know it you're upping the stakes, pulling out the stops, and hitting the kids with the huge angry chorus, instruments thrashing wildly, vocals wailing, and the tune with a hook as infectious as herpes. Maybe your pals can shout behind you a bit here, to give your anger more authenticity. This whole process should then be repeated, and followed by a bridge that's a bit shouty. Then repeat chorus until only the most stupid of people won't be able to recite it back.

What used to take four people, now takes six.

Can Someone Please Tell Me What The Fuck Is Going On

With the Yankees in the off season, I've had more time to observe just how fucked society is getting. It seems that during the baseball season I had become so distracted and oblivious to the actual patheticness and mind-numbingly pitiful interests of the rest of the world. So since you are still reading, you obviously want me to tell you about what I've noticed in the world lately.


Can someone please tell me why Hillary Duff is a celebrity? Is she a fucking singer? Is she a fucking actress? Why do I keep hearing about her? Don't get me wrong, there is nothing I love more than a girl built like a 12 year old boy. But I still don't know why she is famous.

Large Penis Support Group. Okay, usually I am too busy getting drunk to be concerned with the goings on of dudes with enormous wieners. However, stumbling upon this organization's website just shook me to my very bowels. This whole time I've been so ignorant of the plight and constant hardship of guys with gigantic wieners. I mean it's such a terrible debilitating infirmity that they have to have to have meetings and shit. I bet they envy me for having a wiener that is perfect for dialing a rotary phone with.

Reality Show about Gorillas.
While you've been having sex with your pillow every night, pretending that it's a real girl, I've been trying to pretend that reality TV hasn't taken over the universe. But it turns out that it has, and this new series proves that we are now fucked. Just thinking about the ensuing riveting drama makes me stop what I am doing and masturbate furiously.


Extreme Rock Paper Scissors. The original game was bad enough, only being played by wishy washy liberals when deciding who's turn it is to go down to the store to buy the slimjims and mountain dew code red with their foodstamps. If you're freakish enough to be able to play this new game without having to look at the legend, you might as well humiliate yourself on a national level and get a giant face tattoo like Mike Tyson did.

Faggity-ass MySpace people.
Here's the harsh reality: Nobody likes you. Not only that, nobody that knows you gives a shit that you like the mocha espresso at starbucks, and as a stranger, I will not give a shit about it either. Oh, how clever, you figured out how to pipe in 'Lean Back' for me to listen to as I get a glimpse of your empty life. Please kill yourselves.

Nerdy/Trendy Chicks/Hookers.
I know you are still finding yourself, and maybe you will find her while having sex with everyone you meet. Those glasses make you look like a retard. Face it, you are not hot like the chick on american pie. I know they go well with your replica Atari lunchbox, but the combination of the two just makes for interesting overload. Most people can only take you with one interesting accessory at a time. Nice Judas priest t-shirt. I'm sure you were a huge fan of theirs back when they were at their prime, when you were like 3. In my day, your types were known as ravers, and got the shit kicked out of them. The world has grown soft, I tell you.

Cellphone mania.

This asshole is stuck in the stone age with me, and I'm comfortable with that. My cellphone is such a piece of shit that I have to squeeze the screen in an exact place to read it. I have to team up with a buddy to call people and check out is who is calling me because I don't have three hands. My roommate has a cellphone that watches football with him and gives him a BJ after the game. I have to survive on Ramen noodles and his phone is hogging the stove making him prime rib. Fuck him and his phone and fuck you too.