GAY PEOPLE v. UGLY PEOPLE

This is a simple concept, and it baffles me that liberals refuse to consider the obvious. There is one major reason why same-sex couples will never be able to reach the legal status of conventional heterosexual marriages and rights. And the reason is not discrimination, bub. Brace yourself, because I am not speaking my opinion here, I'm speaking for over half the population of the United States:

A huge section of the world is physically repulsed by the sight of most gay sex. I'm serious. There's a reason why young kids on the playgrounds of America call each other 'fags' and 'gay' when they want to insult. When you're a kid, being called a fag is worse than being called retarded and ugly. What's the reason? Because with the overwhelming majority of the population, homosexual activity is something nauseating. Who wants to see two guys kissing?

It's hard to celebrate their diversity when 2/3 of the people who just saw that felt the coppery taste of bile in their throats. Now here's the rub:

Liberals (D'OH!) are trying to make you feel guilty if you can't stand the sight of gay activity. Nevermind that it is your natural reaction to be repulsed, because it is you that has the problem with tolerance. Moreover, they invent the issue of 'gay discrimination' to further their covert operation of sucking up to any minorities they can. (Liberals can't get a majority on their side for obvious reasons, so they race around to collect tons of minority groups, a situation that always backfires.) Look. I can see making a case for discriminating against race and gender. Those items are related to 'being' rather that 'doing'. If I'm black and you don't let me marry another black, you better believe there's going to be problems. If I'm a girl and you don't let me be a fireman, you're going to have a problem. But if I like to take a crap in the snack aisle of the 7-11, you can bet they will take my application and tell me to go fuck myself. Why? Because some actions are not accepted to most of the public. It's just the way it is. I suppose I could get Johnny Cochran on the case, and sue for 'freedom of fecal expression', but chances are, I'll look pretty gay.

Under the topic of 'generally considered repulsive' is the state of being hideously ugly. We've all seen people that are physically fucked up. My peeve happens to be people with no legs. I have a problem with looking at them straight on. But guess what. That's my fucking problem. They are repulsing me by 'being'. That's something they can't help, and besides, they would change that if they could. Gay guys making out in public might repulse me, along with most other people. But that is their problem, they're repulsing with 'doing'. BIG DIFFERENCE. They can help that, and I'm guessing they don't care to.

Hey, I have sex with trees, and Adam likes jerking off in church. Don't discriminate against us. There's something unsettling about doing things that disgust most of the population and then bitching that people can't accept them. Being gay is not being, it's doing. See fig. 1.

fig. 1.
BEING:
black guy
old guy
dumb guy
Jewish guy
guy


DOING:
gay guy
-----------------------------------------------

Finally, I'd like to say that pretty girls making out is a totally different matter, which I will address in the future. Most everyone seems to accept them. It's a complex issue, and I need to research it further before I post about it.

I'll leave you on a positive note.

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NOTE: Adam has been on leave for a few weeks if you haven't noticed. He's been busy building himself a house. He'll be back to infuriate you this week.

IF YOUR PARENTS ARE DIVORCED CHANCES ARE YOU ARE A EMOTIONALLY WHACKED, BUT IF YOUR PARENTS ARE THE SAME SEX YOU'RE PROBABLY MENTALLY DISABLED

It's been a while since I've been down in my basement working in the Analogy Lab, so I thought I'd tinker around with the beakers and test tubes last night. I started out looking for an analogical cure for cancer, but I got sidetracked and found out some strange links to x-ray vision instead. Here are some of my findings:

When you are the 'child' of a gay household, you end up being some sort of a retard with super powers. (I know being a legitimate offspring of gay parents is impossible, but humor me here).

The reason traditional marriage works well is that it is designed to give children a balance of two approaches without a specific overpowering of either one. From the father, the child receives lessons and understanding on the science of logic. From the mother, the child receives lessons and understanding on the art of emotion. Neither aspect is intended to dominate, but instead instill a balanced approach to life with both tools equally at the disposal. Both logic and emotion have extremely vital roles and qualities, though with too much of one and not enough of the other, the risk of catastrophe increases greatly.

ANALOGY:
Let emotionalism = hearing
Let logicality = vision

Let's say subject A has two moms in the same household raising him. Subject A has little to no male-encouraged training in the 'home setting'. However, Subject A gets a double dose of the female perspective of life skills. Now substitute the variables. Subject A now has supersonic hearing, but is blind as a bat. Now put the subject in an out-of-the-home atmosphere: sure, he now can hear the conversations of people from several hundred miles away, but it doesn't do him much good since he walks into trees and walls all day.

Subject B has two dads (work with me here; I swear this exists). Subject B gets super-sharp attributes to incorporate logic in his/her decision making, but none of the heart or passion for life. Substitute variables. Subject B now ends up being able to see through walls and count the stitches on a fastball, but now can't hear a smoke detector or a bus bearing down on him as he crosses the road.

What gives? Why do parents who selfishly need to indulge their sexual appetites in the name of 'freedom' have to sacrifice the proper upbringing of a child? Fucking Liberals, always putting their whims ahead of the well-adjustment of children. But hey, better to bring kids up in a dynamically bizarre setting than to kill them off before birth, I guess. Here's to progress.

That reminds me:

Does anyone else remember this show? WTF!? There was a reason why they made it a comedy!

So my hypotheses was that 'having two same sex parents would really fuck a person up', and I was right.


HAVING A DIVORCE? DON'T FORGET TO EMOTIONALLY SCAR YOUR KIDS IN THE PROCESS.

Why bother saying 'til death do us part'. If you are willing to lie from the beginning to your spouse, you are a scumbag. What's with all the self-centeredness all over the place? Methinks it's a liberal-perpetuated situation.


What's so tough about it? Just tell them that you lack integrity and that their wellbeing is last on your priority list. Besides, go on dates and bring new guys home all time. It will take your mind off the guilt, if you even have any.

"But Jesse, you have never been married, so you don't know how hard it is. Being married is extremely difficult."
Well then I guess that makes my parents Fucking Rock Gods then. Adam may correct me, but they've been married probably 33 years or so. Trust me, if they can do it, anyone can... unless you are a lazy liberal.
Most of my friends have their biological parents still married. They are all basically well adjusted folks. But the friends I have that have lived through their parents divorcing are profoundly fucked up, because the joke turned out to be on them.

So to people that are raising children in a household of same-sex parents:
Here's to you. You're doing an outstanding job keeping your kids from being well-rounded.
To the people who have subjected your kids to a divorce:
Nice job, you've traumatized them.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

LIBERALS: THE MASTERS OF AVOIDING ACCOUNTABILITY

You know what else heavily sucks about Liberals? It's bad enough for the fact that they choose to avoid all personal responsibility on every level... What is worse is that they encourage the public around them to think that achieving a self-sufficient lifestyle is impossible to accomplish on their own. Fucking Liberals, they've been getting away with insulting the public's intelligence for years.

You might as well just rot there, I don't see any democrats around-so I guess you're fucked.

See, Liberals want us to believe that we need them, while in actuality, we don't. They would cease to exist as we know them if the 'I can't take care of myself' mentality that they force on the public was not their main propaganda. By doing this, the liberals impose and enforce a 'can't do' attitude on the gullible public, and this fosters laziness and a general false resentment against conservatives. Liberals want you to think that conservatives and libertarians are against the well being of the population, when it's just the opposite. We just don't think the thousands of federal and state programs compromising the 'liberal safety net' is a good way to motivate you do do well for yourself, and chiefly on your own. We know you can do it, but they don't want YOU to know it- because it would put them out of business forever. I'll put it into perspective, with emphasis on the Liberal Lack of Personal Responsibility. Here are quotes you will hear INSIDE a liberal mind:

"Just because I fail to discipline my son and take an active approach to teaching him has nothing to do with his total lack of interest and concentration at school. And he couldn't possibly just be slower than the rest of his class, no, he obviously is afflicted with [insert mental disorder of the month]."
That's right, your son acts like a fucking idiot at school and fails every class because he has ADHD, it couldn't possibly be because he doesn't work hard. I wish we had 'Attention Deficit Disorders' when I was in school, I could have played a lot more Nintendo instead of having homework and chores.

Better that they're happy than smart, I guess.

"Goddamn it, that was great sex. I hope I don't get inconvenienced with being pregnant, or I'll have to kill someone."
Right again, it's better that you're happy than responsible. Plus that $400 bucks you give the doctor will give the economy one hell of a boost.

I can't believe that asshole got me pregnant.

"I fucking hope they socialize healthcare, because I'm not paying for this coronary by myself... greedy republicans!"
It is your inalienable right to become morbidly obese. In fact, you'd be taking your liberties for granted by not becoming a fucking massive lard ass. That's why I go to work everyday, to make sure your unsightly ass is covered if you eat your way into diabetesville.

He's a fat unhealthy monkey, but goddamnit he's happy.
And while you're at it, make sure that you smoke as much as possible in celebration of your right to do so. If you haven't allowed your kids to smoke by age of 13, you're depriving them of their right to enjoy freedom. Hey- it's all about being a kid. They can teach themselves responsibility once you kick off from cervical cancer or stroke. Don't worry, I'll pay for their emphysima and COPD treatments, you won't be around, and besides, that's what I'm here for.

Your colon may be stewed tomatoes, but you REALLY enjoyed those smokes.

"The reason I can't find a decent job is because I'm a minority."
That's exactly right. It has nothing to do with the fact that the Official National Language in the United States is English, and you barely speak enough 'Englais' to ask a store clerk for Newport 100's. Heaven forbid that you take advantage of the Clinton Administration's ingenious tuition programs. You wouldn't want to spend 18 months at a technical school to be a Certified Pipefitter, because if you just take the graveyard shift at Dunkin' Donuts for $5.70 and hour, you could stand around and bitch about 'the Man' on your downtime. Plus at that wage, Liberals will allot you food stamps. Take 'em! I don't mind paying for you. It'll give you more money for Heineken. I'm pissed that my ancestors didn't find an alternative to getting ahead by working hard when they came here from Europe decades ago.

The more you learn, the more you earn, which means this guy's not only poor, he's fucking retarded .

Remember, common citizen. You are a world-class moron, and can not lead a self-sufficient lifestyle on your own. You NEED democrats to tax others and redistribute it to you. You deserve it. We do not want you to be constrained by the shackles of responsibility or hard work and determination. And especially remember, if it's not fun, don't do it.

'Keep Your Laws Off My Body'

NOTE: ADAM AND I HAVE GANGED UP ON THIS POST.

JESSE:

What are you yawning about?

Aren't you supposed to be dead?

'Keep your laws off my body.' What a fucking asshead slogan that is. I guess that means I can ignore those fucking stupid seatbelt laws that you morons insisted on. I think you liberals may have the coat hangers in the wrong orfice again. Before I get into the first trimester of this post, I have to warn you slow-witted jerkoffs that I am not against abortion in all cases. I believe it is a viable option under circumstances of rape and incest. With that said, let the ramming and sucking begin!
Abortion is being used as an escape from responsibility. Not all cases, but most. I have had the misfortune of having met HUNDREDS of women who have had the procedure done out of convenience. You see, I spent several years working directy for OB/GYN physicians at a very large hospital here in the northeast. Being present for hundreds of these procedures, I know exactly how it's done. My favorite part is when they piece the fetus back together on a table like a puzzle to make sure they got everything. I'm good at puzzles.
As a member of the hospital staff, I was privy to all sorts of confidential information. OB surgeons, when on a first name basis with you, like to share such information when the patient is either out of earshot or under anesthesia. The physicians themselves would estimate the rate of abortions done out of sheer irresponsibility and/or lack of planning was up near 90%. And before you get redfaced and call me a liar, just remember that I am passing on comments of ten or so physicians that have no reason to make that up. It makes me frustrated that these patients can use that as a reason to terminate a pregnancy. Of course, due to Hipaa Confidentiality laws, I am not able to give you the patients' names, phone numbers, or addresses, though I would love to.

What I mean when I say irresponsibility/lack of planning, I don't just mean that the women who get pregnant and abort are fithy pieces of shit, I incriminate the men as well. We both know that there are tons of guys that accidently knock up random whores they meet at the bar, and then plead with the whore to get an abortion. It usually works. These guys, well, they should be executed on the day of the abortion. Now that I think about it, we could pass legislation that punishes frivilous abortions in a very effective way. When they think they are in the physician's office for the abortion appointment, instead of leading them to the surgical suite, they get led to a huge concrete vault where huge guys with sledgehammers smash the living snot out of them. When their skulls are finally crushed to a fine pulp, a switch is thrown and their carcasses are sucked through an enormous wind tunnel and shot out into space. We have control of the House and the Senate, right? I'll call my congressman.

It comes down to that diabolical phrase that liberals cringe at: personal responsibility. If you're worried about your enormous weiner breaking out of the condom like the Incredible Hulk, don't have intercourse unless you can take on a child. If you are afraid of contraceptive failure rates, remember that abstinence works 100% of the time. I know it's discouraging that you are being told not to be whores, but hey, sometimes the medicine tastes bad.

Do I need to get into the whole adoption thing? Good, because I'm already getting sick of stating the obvious.

The whole 'if you are against abortion, don't have one' slogan is just as shitty. I'm also against arson. I won't torch your house, but if some crazy pyro does and I see it, I guess I shouldn't interfere then, huh. You liberals, you need to sit down and write some better catchphrases. Maybe ones that have substance.




ADAM:

Excellent point. Yes I take this personally because I’ve dealt with this, but my stance is so ridiculously improbable that I have to stand by it as well. You might have read one of my previous posts where I mentioned “were fucking crazy to make shit normal”. I feel that in order to come to a feasible compromise, there needs to be some ‘way out there’ conclusions. I understand some medical problems may deem it necessary to bring about aborting a fetus. I can deal with that. Other than that, I have gone absolutely insane on the points of personal responsibility. There’s plenty of forms of birth control, and obviously abstinence. We’ve all heard and understood that.

This is where you come in and say “what if some chick is raped”? Well, I would probably say that you should’ve had a better judge of character to know that you never should’ve gotten involved with your shady ex-boyfriend. Or, you thought you knew the guy who you met in the Tim Horton’s parking at 3 am. Oh, you probably shouldn’t have been walking through that part of town shit faced at that hour as well. And why the fuck were you alone anyway? And why didn’t you lock your door? And why the hell did you answer your phone?

fuckin mongaloid! motherfuckin abort!

If you think that most abortions are caused by rape, at some completely uncontrollable rank, you’re probably retarded. Some do, but it’s such a ridiculously small percentage that it doesn’t even justify giving abortions with such ease at this height of a national level. In a country where everyone is a victim and everyone likes to place blame, even myself, there’s some issues that you just can not be a dildo about. I fell if everyone took some ‘responsibility for their actions’, and a devastating situation like this did occur, I’m so sure public response would be overwhelmingly positive, or in the victims favor if you understand that better. When I say positive response, I mean things like toughing out a birthing process…and if you decide you can’t care for the child in your present conditions, That child would most likely be taken care of through adoption and go to a very capable family, and quickly. Or maybe by the time you have the kid, you might have a change a heart.

Yeah, fuck me. I’m a softy. This shit will never happen because it “puts restrictions on the human spirit” or some shit, right? I know life isn’t raining rose petals and growing gum drops. On the other hand, if I give in, there becomes no sense of balance and everything spins into chaos. And besides, we all know its wrong.