Your Music doesn't Suck, You Do

With my brother slacking on adding to this site (probably because he's too busy sitting in his recliner bitching), I am now taking it upon myself to direct this vehicle of hate and rage in a new direction.
I've decided to add a new dimention to this site. While in the past we have decimated all opposition on the topic of liberal incompetence, I feel the stage is now set for me to discuss other issues. More specifically, I am going to make fun of the music you like. Music is something that defines your character, and if I can criticize it, hopefully you will make the connection that I am criticizing you as a human being, as well.

Country Music.

Okay, this is just pure shit. It makes any sane person's ears bleed. The reason that country sucks is that all the songs are exactly the same. All songs are so depressing I'd rather have a jellyfish in my shorts than to have my day ruined by some cowboy with hurt feelings. All songs have that ever-present extruciating fiddle in the background. All songs have one of three subject materials:
1. My Wife Left Me (Time Fer Some Drinkin')
2. I'm Leaving My Husband
3. I Miss My Wife (Time Fer Some Drinkin')

The only way you could possibly enjoy this frothy diarrhea is if your brain is pickled with tooth-rotting moonshine, you fucking gultch.

Everyone who isn't a moron knows that this shit is made specifically for rednecks. Rednecks aren't inherently bad, they just aren't good, either. Something about the uneducated, non-directioned, ignorant inbred just doesn't help give me hope in America's future.

Hip Hop.

Now this shit has no place in the New World. I have a real problem with this fucking crap because there are no guitars in it, and you need guitars to make music. Listen, if I made you french fries without using potatoes, you'd say 'what the fuck? What's with this plate of oil and salt?' And then you'd get the point. In fact, I want you to go make a thermos of salt-oil that you can sip the next time you are in your car and chillin' to Beyonce. If you are going to be an ignorant cunt with music, you might as well be ignorant in all ways.
And what's with Fat Joe? He's a stupid dressing no talent fuck. Now let's all rush out and throw money at him. He is porky pig's son. Why didn't I think of it first, naming myself after an erection and stalking J-lo.

One Metric ton of Fertilizer, 14 grams of Yankee hat

Emo. (sadcore)

Easily the most insignificant of all the genres. I love these Emo people, because they already have a headstart on feeling like shit; they don't need me to tell them. But I will. Until very recently, I didn't even know there was such a thing as 'emo'. I was simply under the impression that there were just an influx of nerdy little depressed teenagers everywhere, which I was completely comfortable with, since it gave me constant reason to chuckle. However, it turns out this is a fad, which means it is linked to liberalism.
It turns out that all this shit is simply typical crappy teen poetry that somehow leaked its disgusting filth into our radios. Slowly rock music began to turn all heartfelt and whiney, and I realized this was just a ploy for mediocre kids to get attention.
Here's an IM conversation I intercepted on the internet (note the need for drama)
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: omg my gf just left me
acidburnedsoul: that sux man
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: i blame myself only i'm such an ass *cries*
acidburnedsoul: dude come over to my house and we can cut ourselves together
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: okay *cries*
acidburnedsoul: omg dashboard confessional has a new cd, i preordered it already
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: dude they're my favorite band to self-mutilate to
acidburnedsoul: i prefer to cut myself while watching Napoleon Dynamite on my bigscreen
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: dude that movie is so deep. i cry every time i see it
acidburnedsoul: me too. i hate myself
XxSlavetoAnguishxX: yeah we're such tortured souls, nobody understands how hard life is for us
acidburnedsoul: yeah we got it tough dude. pass the tissues

What a bunch of estrogen filled pussies.

Kill these people before they try kill themselves

NuMetal.

It's hard to even say that term without pausing to giggle. I know, you can't decide if you want to listen to slayer or backstreetboys, so let's just compromise and listen to something exactly in between. It seems you don't want to rock too hard so as not to offend anyone around you, yet you want to send the message loud and clear that you rock the heavy shit. Nothing says testosterone like being a moped kind of guy in a motorcycle world. I mean, if you are going to try to piss off your parents with your rebellious music, why not start listening to the vengeful and bloodthirsty sounds of limp bizkit.
And if you are starting your own band, remember: You may only play a 7 string Ibenez even though you won't be playing a guitar solo. Ever.
Here's the blueprint for all of the NuMetal songs:
So here's the blueprint: start with a nice processed drumbeat for 8 bars. then come in with big, fizzing, power chords. Take the guitars down a notch and allow your buddy to rap in an unimaginative fashion. This is all part of the plan. The slightly drab verse builds up and before you know it you're upping the stakes, pulling out the stops, and hitting the kids with the huge angry chorus, instruments thrashing wildly, vocals wailing, and the tune with a hook as infectious as herpes. Maybe your pals can shout behind you a bit here, to give your anger more authenticity. This whole process should then be repeated, and followed by a bridge that's a bit shouty. Then repeat chorus until only the most stupid of people won't be able to recite it back.

What used to take four people, now takes six.

Can Someone Please Tell Me What The Fuck Is Going On

With the Yankees in the off season, I've had more time to observe just how fucked society is getting. It seems that during the baseball season I had become so distracted and oblivious to the actual patheticness and mind-numbingly pitiful interests of the rest of the world. So since you are still reading, you obviously want me to tell you about what I've noticed in the world lately.


Can someone please tell me why Hillary Duff is a celebrity? Is she a fucking singer? Is she a fucking actress? Why do I keep hearing about her? Don't get me wrong, there is nothing I love more than a girl built like a 12 year old boy. But I still don't know why she is famous.

Large Penis Support Group. Okay, usually I am too busy getting drunk to be concerned with the goings on of dudes with enormous wieners. However, stumbling upon this organization's website just shook me to my very bowels. This whole time I've been so ignorant of the plight and constant hardship of guys with gigantic wieners. I mean it's such a terrible debilitating infirmity that they have to have to have meetings and shit. I bet they envy me for having a wiener that is perfect for dialing a rotary phone with.

Reality Show about Gorillas.
While you've been having sex with your pillow every night, pretending that it's a real girl, I've been trying to pretend that reality TV hasn't taken over the universe. But it turns out that it has, and this new series proves that we are now fucked. Just thinking about the ensuing riveting drama makes me stop what I am doing and masturbate furiously.


Extreme Rock Paper Scissors. The original game was bad enough, only being played by wishy washy liberals when deciding who's turn it is to go down to the store to buy the slimjims and mountain dew code red with their foodstamps. If you're freakish enough to be able to play this new game without having to look at the legend, you might as well humiliate yourself on a national level and get a giant face tattoo like Mike Tyson did.

Faggity-ass MySpace people.
Here's the harsh reality: Nobody likes you. Not only that, nobody that knows you gives a shit that you like the mocha espresso at starbucks, and as a stranger, I will not give a shit about it either. Oh, how clever, you figured out how to pipe in 'Lean Back' for me to listen to as I get a glimpse of your empty life. Please kill yourselves.

Nerdy/Trendy Chicks/Hookers.
I know you are still finding yourself, and maybe you will find her while having sex with everyone you meet. Those glasses make you look like a retard. Face it, you are not hot like the chick on american pie. I know they go well with your replica Atari lunchbox, but the combination of the two just makes for interesting overload. Most people can only take you with one interesting accessory at a time. Nice Judas priest t-shirt. I'm sure you were a huge fan of theirs back when they were at their prime, when you were like 3. In my day, your types were known as ravers, and got the shit kicked out of them. The world has grown soft, I tell you.

Cellphone mania.

This asshole is stuck in the stone age with me, and I'm comfortable with that. My cellphone is such a piece of shit that I have to squeeze the screen in an exact place to read it. I have to team up with a buddy to call people and check out is who is calling me because I don't have three hands. My roommate has a cellphone that watches football with him and gives him a BJ after the game. I have to survive on Ramen noodles and his phone is hogging the stove making him prime rib. Fuck him and his phone and fuck you too.

Liberals are slowly being extracted from the human population

I'd first like to say that it is great to be back. Now fuck off.

Jesse works diligently in the analogy lab as his brother looks on

After months working tirelessly in the lab, I have uncovered new and overwhelming proof that gay people deserve all the shit that they get. That's right, I have found in my researching that discrimination and the general picking on of gay people is not only acceptable, it is actually a natural human tendency. The icing on the cake is that my theory was proven using Darwinian philosophy. Gay people are liberals, and liberals are evolutionists since they hate God, and evolutionists believe in Darwinism. So I used a gay peoples' faggity-ass reasoning on them. Beating them at their own 'gaym', if you will.

Chances are that you remember going outside during recess when you were a child. Probably you remember playing games with the other children. But things have changed since I was a little boy. The liberals have taken over the school systems and banned some of the games we played when I was young. One of the games those fucking whiners outlawed was called 'Smear the Queer'. It was AWESOME. The rules are simple, according to Hoyle's Official Rules.

Smear the queer is a rougher tag variant common among children. In this game, "it" is instead called "the queer" (the word is used in the sense of "homosexual" to contemporary players). The queer does not try to tag the other players; instead, he tries to avoid being tagged, or, more often, tackled (knocked down to the ground as roughly as possible).

Smear the queer is often played with an object such as a ball which is held by the "queer". Once the "queer" is tagged or tackled, he throws the object at another player. The other players then try to avoid the object, so as not to become the new "queer". Like other forms of tag, those who stay "it" (queer) the longest are considered the worst players.

And it looks a little like this:

Remember to go for the pressure point

Oh and as a side point, the above picture came from this cutting edge research story in the UK. Shimply ex'shtrod'nry journ'lism, old chaps.

The point here is that children, who have not yet been infected with agenda-based grownup's mentality, are operating on instinct when they are away from the grownups. The games they play are along the same lines as the shit baby lion cubs play with each other when they are tiny and misleadingly adorable. Do you watch nature shows? Me neither but some how I know that adolescent animals roughhouse like this all the time to prove dominance, seek acceptability, and all that kind of instinctive experimental shite. And oh yeah, if one of the lion cubs was discovered by the others to exhibit some type of major difference between it and the others, you could bet that it would be the one singled out and fucked with on a regular basis. (As grownups, we cannot legally play Smear the Queer, because we are burdened by large liberal government with many laws.) That's how nature works. Natural selection. If you act in unacceptable ways, the others will kill you. I miss playing smear the Queer.

The whole natural selection thing that God-hating liberals believe in actually does have merit. Just look at the hurricane situation in the South. It was awesome! It helped weed out the true idiots of our species and punished many more lesser idiots. Chalk this up to evolutionary theory disposing of the bottom tier of human intelligence.

The local government called for an evacuation of New Orleans. Thousands of people who live in a city that is below sea level heard that call, shrugged, and said, "Fuck that. I think I will just chill where I am." Now they are paying the price of their liberal ignorance. It really pisses me off when I see some Katrina victim on the news say, "But all the buses going out of the city were full. We had to stay. We had no option!" FUCK YOU. It is called a "disaster" for a reason. If the buses are full, find another way out! Hire that old Creole bastard Francois Villeneux and his rowboat and get the fuck out! Do what you have to!


This tree actually landed just feet from where this guy slept. Hard to believe this guy is even stupider than

This non-planning jerkoff

There are always options. This is a perfect case of Darwinism revealing itself in modern day America. If you act like a dumbass, you might die. But oh we are supposed to feel sorry for Leroy Washington who claims he couldn't get on a bus out of town. Aww, not everything was provided to you? Poor fucking baby. With three days notice, you could have outwalked the storm, you fucking stupid dildo.

To sum up, liberals are slowly killing themselves off, which frees up a lot of time for people with skills.

Liberals should know not to try to compete with such a well rounded actor as Wilson. They will get upstaged every time.

WHAT THE FUCK!?

We're on hiuatus until the weekend of the 12th.

Adam has to go to Italy for a week to do some overseas journalism.

I have to spend the week with my attourney, gearing up for a problem with someone who wants to ruin my life. The person is being pretty successful thusfar.


We'll be back with our inflammatory remarks as soon as he gets back and as soon as I can concentrate on one thing for more than 30 seconds.

GAY PEOPLE v. UGLY PEOPLE

This is a simple concept, and it baffles me that liberals refuse to consider the obvious. There is one major reason why same-sex couples will never be able to reach the legal status of conventional heterosexual marriages and rights. And the reason is not discrimination, bub. Brace yourself, because I am not speaking my opinion here, I'm speaking for over half the population of the United States:

A huge section of the world is physically repulsed by the sight of most gay sex. I'm serious. There's a reason why young kids on the playgrounds of America call each other 'fags' and 'gay' when they want to insult. When you're a kid, being called a fag is worse than being called retarded and ugly. What's the reason? Because with the overwhelming majority of the population, homosexual activity is something nauseating. Who wants to see two guys kissing?

It's hard to celebrate their diversity when 2/3 of the people who just saw that felt the coppery taste of bile in their throats. Now here's the rub:

Liberals (D'OH!) are trying to make you feel guilty if you can't stand the sight of gay activity. Nevermind that it is your natural reaction to be repulsed, because it is you that has the problem with tolerance. Moreover, they invent the issue of 'gay discrimination' to further their covert operation of sucking up to any minorities they can. (Liberals can't get a majority on their side for obvious reasons, so they race around to collect tons of minority groups, a situation that always backfires.) Look. I can see making a case for discriminating against race and gender. Those items are related to 'being' rather that 'doing'. If I'm black and you don't let me marry another black, you better believe there's going to be problems. If I'm a girl and you don't let me be a fireman, you're going to have a problem. But if I like to take a crap in the snack aisle of the 7-11, you can bet they will take my application and tell me to go fuck myself. Why? Because some actions are not accepted to most of the public. It's just the way it is. I suppose I could get Johnny Cochran on the case, and sue for 'freedom of fecal expression', but chances are, I'll look pretty gay.

Under the topic of 'generally considered repulsive' is the state of being hideously ugly. We've all seen people that are physically fucked up. My peeve happens to be people with no legs. I have a problem with looking at them straight on. But guess what. That's my fucking problem. They are repulsing me by 'being'. That's something they can't help, and besides, they would change that if they could. Gay guys making out in public might repulse me, along with most other people. But that is their problem, they're repulsing with 'doing'. BIG DIFFERENCE. They can help that, and I'm guessing they don't care to.

Hey, I have sex with trees, and Adam likes jerking off in church. Don't discriminate against us. There's something unsettling about doing things that disgust most of the population and then bitching that people can't accept them. Being gay is not being, it's doing. See fig. 1.

fig. 1.
BEING:
black guy
old guy
dumb guy
Jewish guy
guy


DOING:
gay guy
-----------------------------------------------

Finally, I'd like to say that pretty girls making out is a totally different matter, which I will address in the future. Most everyone seems to accept them. It's a complex issue, and I need to research it further before I post about it.

I'll leave you on a positive note.

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NOTE: Adam has been on leave for a few weeks if you haven't noticed. He's been busy building himself a house. He'll be back to infuriate you this week.

IF YOUR PARENTS ARE DIVORCED CHANCES ARE YOU ARE A EMOTIONALLY WHACKED, BUT IF YOUR PARENTS ARE THE SAME SEX YOU'RE PROBABLY MENTALLY DISABLED

It's been a while since I've been down in my basement working in the Analogy Lab, so I thought I'd tinker around with the beakers and test tubes last night. I started out looking for an analogical cure for cancer, but I got sidetracked and found out some strange links to x-ray vision instead. Here are some of my findings:

When you are the 'child' of a gay household, you end up being some sort of a retard with super powers. (I know being a legitimate offspring of gay parents is impossible, but humor me here).

The reason traditional marriage works well is that it is designed to give children a balance of two approaches without a specific overpowering of either one. From the father, the child receives lessons and understanding on the science of logic. From the mother, the child receives lessons and understanding on the art of emotion. Neither aspect is intended to dominate, but instead instill a balanced approach to life with both tools equally at the disposal. Both logic and emotion have extremely vital roles and qualities, though with too much of one and not enough of the other, the risk of catastrophe increases greatly.

ANALOGY:
Let emotionalism = hearing
Let logicality = vision

Let's say subject A has two moms in the same household raising him. Subject A has little to no male-encouraged training in the 'home setting'. However, Subject A gets a double dose of the female perspective of life skills. Now substitute the variables. Subject A now has supersonic hearing, but is blind as a bat. Now put the subject in an out-of-the-home atmosphere: sure, he now can hear the conversations of people from several hundred miles away, but it doesn't do him much good since he walks into trees and walls all day.

Subject B has two dads (work with me here; I swear this exists). Subject B gets super-sharp attributes to incorporate logic in his/her decision making, but none of the heart or passion for life. Substitute variables. Subject B now ends up being able to see through walls and count the stitches on a fastball, but now can't hear a smoke detector or a bus bearing down on him as he crosses the road.

What gives? Why do parents who selfishly need to indulge their sexual appetites in the name of 'freedom' have to sacrifice the proper upbringing of a child? Fucking Liberals, always putting their whims ahead of the well-adjustment of children. But hey, better to bring kids up in a dynamically bizarre setting than to kill them off before birth, I guess. Here's to progress.

That reminds me:

Does anyone else remember this show? WTF!? There was a reason why they made it a comedy!

So my hypotheses was that 'having two same sex parents would really fuck a person up', and I was right.


HAVING A DIVORCE? DON'T FORGET TO EMOTIONALLY SCAR YOUR KIDS IN THE PROCESS.

Why bother saying 'til death do us part'. If you are willing to lie from the beginning to your spouse, you are a scumbag. What's with all the self-centeredness all over the place? Methinks it's a liberal-perpetuated situation.


What's so tough about it? Just tell them that you lack integrity and that their wellbeing is last on your priority list. Besides, go on dates and bring new guys home all time. It will take your mind off the guilt, if you even have any.

"But Jesse, you have never been married, so you don't know how hard it is. Being married is extremely difficult."
Well then I guess that makes my parents Fucking Rock Gods then. Adam may correct me, but they've been married probably 33 years or so. Trust me, if they can do it, anyone can... unless you are a lazy liberal.
Most of my friends have their biological parents still married. They are all basically well adjusted folks. But the friends I have that have lived through their parents divorcing are profoundly fucked up, because the joke turned out to be on them.

So to people that are raising children in a household of same-sex parents:
Here's to you. You're doing an outstanding job keeping your kids from being well-rounded.
To the people who have subjected your kids to a divorce:
Nice job, you've traumatized them.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

LIBERALS: THE MASTERS OF AVOIDING ACCOUNTABILITY

You know what else heavily sucks about Liberals? It's bad enough for the fact that they choose to avoid all personal responsibility on every level... What is worse is that they encourage the public around them to think that achieving a self-sufficient lifestyle is impossible to accomplish on their own. Fucking Liberals, they've been getting away with insulting the public's intelligence for years.

You might as well just rot there, I don't see any democrats around-so I guess you're fucked.

See, Liberals want us to believe that we need them, while in actuality, we don't. They would cease to exist as we know them if the 'I can't take care of myself' mentality that they force on the public was not their main propaganda. By doing this, the liberals impose and enforce a 'can't do' attitude on the gullible public, and this fosters laziness and a general false resentment against conservatives. Liberals want you to think that conservatives and libertarians are against the well being of the population, when it's just the opposite. We just don't think the thousands of federal and state programs compromising the 'liberal safety net' is a good way to motivate you do do well for yourself, and chiefly on your own. We know you can do it, but they don't want YOU to know it- because it would put them out of business forever. I'll put it into perspective, with emphasis on the Liberal Lack of Personal Responsibility. Here are quotes you will hear INSIDE a liberal mind:

"Just because I fail to discipline my son and take an active approach to teaching him has nothing to do with his total lack of interest and concentration at school. And he couldn't possibly just be slower than the rest of his class, no, he obviously is afflicted with [insert mental disorder of the month]."
That's right, your son acts like a fucking idiot at school and fails every class because he has ADHD, it couldn't possibly be because he doesn't work hard. I wish we had 'Attention Deficit Disorders' when I was in school, I could have played a lot more Nintendo instead of having homework and chores.

Better that they're happy than smart, I guess.

"Goddamn it, that was great sex. I hope I don't get inconvenienced with being pregnant, or I'll have to kill someone."
Right again, it's better that you're happy than responsible. Plus that $400 bucks you give the doctor will give the economy one hell of a boost.

I can't believe that asshole got me pregnant.

"I fucking hope they socialize healthcare, because I'm not paying for this coronary by myself... greedy republicans!"
It is your inalienable right to become morbidly obese. In fact, you'd be taking your liberties for granted by not becoming a fucking massive lard ass. That's why I go to work everyday, to make sure your unsightly ass is covered if you eat your way into diabetesville.

He's a fat unhealthy monkey, but goddamnit he's happy.
And while you're at it, make sure that you smoke as much as possible in celebration of your right to do so. If you haven't allowed your kids to smoke by age of 13, you're depriving them of their right to enjoy freedom. Hey- it's all about being a kid. They can teach themselves responsibility once you kick off from cervical cancer or stroke. Don't worry, I'll pay for their emphysima and COPD treatments, you won't be around, and besides, that's what I'm here for.

Your colon may be stewed tomatoes, but you REALLY enjoyed those smokes.

"The reason I can't find a decent job is because I'm a minority."
That's exactly right. It has nothing to do with the fact that the Official National Language in the United States is English, and you barely speak enough 'Englais' to ask a store clerk for Newport 100's. Heaven forbid that you take advantage of the Clinton Administration's ingenious tuition programs. You wouldn't want to spend 18 months at a technical school to be a Certified Pipefitter, because if you just take the graveyard shift at Dunkin' Donuts for $5.70 and hour, you could stand around and bitch about 'the Man' on your downtime. Plus at that wage, Liberals will allot you food stamps. Take 'em! I don't mind paying for you. It'll give you more money for Heineken. I'm pissed that my ancestors didn't find an alternative to getting ahead by working hard when they came here from Europe decades ago.

The more you learn, the more you earn, which means this guy's not only poor, he's fucking retarded .

Remember, common citizen. You are a world-class moron, and can not lead a self-sufficient lifestyle on your own. You NEED democrats to tax others and redistribute it to you. You deserve it. We do not want you to be constrained by the shackles of responsibility or hard work and determination. And especially remember, if it's not fun, don't do it.